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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Shocked by throwaway comment made by ex oh

13 replies

outofpaper · 14/11/2015 23:29

A bit of background - I threw him out a year ago due to me facing up to his abusive nature and threatening police if he didn't leave. He did. We have a toddler together, and jointly own the house which I now live in on my own.
Things have been kind of 'ok' I guess between us in terms of getting along day to day for the sake of ds. He comes round a lot because there is not much I can do about it as he owns half the house.
I still suffer from his emotional/verbal abuse a lot of the time (guess I am used to it), although it had got much better of late.
But this evening he said something which shocked me, and that is that when he was about 15/16, if his mother say, called him and his brother down for dinner, they would mumble to each other out of her earshot 'just coming you stupid whore'.
And he stood there this evening telling me about this and laughed, expecting me to find it funny. When I told him I thought that was disgusting and actually quite upsetting, and I would be devasted if ds ever said anything like this, he said 'oh come on, he probably will when he's a bit older, stop being so over the top'
Anyway it ended in a horrible rant of verbal abuse and him blaming his bad upbringing and I don't know the half of it etc etc.
The thing is, this has hardened my resolve that I need to set stronger boundries and try and protect my ds even more from picking up his father's values.

But, it means selling the house and and loosing the security/space/investment for the future.
I can't afford to buy him out, although I am pretty much paying all the mortgage anyway.
I am not sure what to do, but I just know I have to do more than I am doing at the moment.
Or am I being over the top? (Sometimes I wonder, I have had many years of this..)
Sorry for long message, but if anyone had any advice at all I would appreciate it very much...

OP posts:
steppemum · 14/11/2015 23:36

I am not an expert on these things at all, but I am pretty sure you don't have to put up with this:

He comes round a lot because there is not much I can do about it as he owns half the house.

Set times and boundaries for when he has contact with ds, and no, he can't just come round in between, it is now your home not his, which is separate form the financial side of it.

And why are you paying all the mortgage if he half owns it?

You need some serious practical advice. can you go to CAB and talk it through?

starlight2007 · 14/11/2015 23:36

I would strongly adivse legal advise and Women's aid... Your Children will also be used to this low level abuse..It is damaging..

You also are not free of him while he comes and goes in your house

outofpaper · 14/11/2015 23:44

The thing is, I did seek legal advice months ago and was told that there is nothing that I can do to stop him from entering the house as its half is.. So I just 'gave in' as it were...

OP posts:
springydaffs · 15/11/2015 00:18

A shed would be better than this. The kids are witnessing all the abuse - still. You have to get them out of this.

The whore comment was vile. You are not overreacting.

Finola1step · 15/11/2015 00:24

Your best bet in the long term is ti resolve the issue with the house. First thing Monday, start calling round your local family law solicitors ro see if you can w a free 30 min consultation.

Finola1step · 15/11/2015 00:25

Apologies for typos!

summerainbow · 15/11/2015 06:29

Yes I have this my ex what you do after everytime you won't leave called the police always have witness there when he is tree. And get divorce asap

mintoil · 15/11/2015 13:19

Eh? I am not convinced what you have been told is correct OP. My XH still jointly owns our house but it is for my occupation with the DC and he cannot just come in.

Have you seen a solicitor? Are you married?

Why is he seeing the DC at your home? Make him collect them and fuck off somewhere. Where is he living?

This sounds so awful for you - I couldn't cope with all that intrusion so no wonder you are struggling.

timelytess · 15/11/2015 13:31

And you're being a bit unrealistic about teenagers. Some of them definitely do mutter abuse under their breath. They don't mean it. They're being teenagers.

All the 'my child would never do that' brigade will deny it, but it happens.

springydaffs · 15/11/2015 16:44

Whore, Tess? It's a very powerful word.

cannotlogin · 15/11/2015 18:54

He may own half the house but that doesn't give him the right to come and go as he pleases and interrupt your family time. I would suggest going back to the solicitor and asking for a strongly worded letter which sets out when he can/can't enter the house making it clear if he wants to come in outside of those times, he is to give you at least 24 hours notice. I would also change the locks and not give him a key unless he asks for one through legal means. If he persists, then ask your solicitor to get an Occupation Order which will legally mean he has to stay away. He has rights over the house but you also have the right to enjoy it in peace whilst you live there.

RiceCrispieTreats · 15/11/2015 18:59

I think the advice you received is wrong.

Ownership of a property does not grant right of access to it, if it is someone else's residence. A landlord cannot waltz into his tenants' home, even though he owns the place, right? This is the same situation here: he owns the house, but does not live there. You do. He doesn't get to waltz in.

Offred · 15/11/2015 19:53

Yes, I think you have been given incorrect advice too.

Legal ownership is not related to occupation rights.

If he has moved out then I don't think he has rights to come and go as he pleases even if he jointly owns the property legally. Even if he is the sole legal owner.

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