I think I was raped 16 years ago

[chitofftheshovel]

The subject heading says a lot of it.
At the time I was 18 and was living/working in a city far away from where I'd been brought up. I went out with a colleague after work on a Friday and woke up in my own bed the next day around 2pm - I recollect that as I was very very late for my overtime shift on the Saturday. I have hazy recollection of the actual night. Partially due to it being a long time ago and partially because I was very drunk.
I think my colleague and I met some blokes, paired off. I took one back to my flat to get changed. (I can picture the blue checked dungarees I changed into) Nothing happened between us. Went to a night club with him. At some point we argued, I'm pretty sure I'd lent him money and he was refusing to give it back.
I was chucked out by the bouncers.
Hazy becomes clear at this one point. Bouncers would not listen to me. I'm on the street outside of the club and a car pulls up. Occupant asks if I'm ok and suggests I go with him. Which I did.
Hazy memory again. Only one memory is playing pool in this guy's house, it's like looking down on myself. I can see a translucent drink in my hand and me trying to keep the pool table between us. And then nothing for 12ish hours. No idea how I got back to the place I was living at the time. Nothing. But I did know I'd had sex. And I had 50 quid in my pocket.
I am almost certain it was not consensual. But obviously can't be 100% on that. At the time I buried it, totally. I was working in that city to go travelling, which I did for over a year and the incident didn't come to mind.
Roll on 16 years and I'm in bed with a newish bloke, someone I trust implicitly and have known for some time. Very drunk and, apparently mid sex stopped, rolled away and said "I'm not a victim". But would not say anymore.
So, it reared its ugly head in a way that made my bloke pretty weirded out, understandably.
I just don't know where to go from here. Sorry it's been long, just wanted to get all the facts, as I recall them, in.
Any ideas?

You didn't do it to yourself. I'm so sorry this happened to you, I believe you.

OP, re. your scaffolding analogy - I think the problem is that although climbing scaffolding whilst drunk is risky, simply being around men whilst drunk shouldn't be. Climbing scaffolding/ being around men should not be analogous situations. You shouldn't be on high alert looking not to fall, just because there are men around.

Men are quite capable of not raping someone when that person is drunk. If they do, it is entirely the man's fault, not the victim's.

Yes amarmai that's one of the triggers I'd identified. Although this guy, newish lover, is absolutely lovely, I'm thinking something he did, in innocence, set off some kind of cellular memory.

gabilan unfortunately, although I know you are right....I did put myself in the situation by actually getting into a car with a complete stranger, I wasn't just around men.

There is a lot of work for the right therapist. Gah!! But very thankful to you guys for responding and helping me to get that Ball in motion.

Even a stranger doesn't have the right to rape you just because you got in his/their car...

You might want to take a look at the tea & consent blog here (or google for one of the videos). Even if you've seen it before, perhaps worth another look.

I totally get the need to go through the analogies - had some brilliant (at least to me) ones myself. You can come up with the best analogies ever invented though and it STILL was his decision.

m.indiatimes.com/videocafe/consent-for-sex-is-like-a-cup-of-tea-this-video-explains-just-how-232728.html
Tea and consent video

That is a truly traumatic experience that you have had

I like the tea analogy. Thank you emmm and spud. I must admit that sometimes I've wanted a stranger to make a cup of tea for me, in the full knowledge that we'll never share a cup of tea again. Not everybody is happy with no strings sex. I'm fine with it between two fully consenting adults. On that occasion I most certainly did not want a cup of tea.
I'm just building the courage to phone councillor. And am shitting myself but I gotta do it for me.

Yes you do. Talking it through, being heard in a safe confidential environment is empowering . The crime committed against you loses its power over you in my view..hope this helps

spud it really does help. Thank you.

Phoned the place I most identified with today. Answer phone, and I hung up. But I rang and left my details a few mins later. Asked them not to ring outwith school time, so was on tenterhooks until 3.30. No word today, maybe tomorrow.

Not having the greatest day today but I bloody will get this thing sorted properly. I bloody will.

Poor kids. I'm not firing on all cylinders this eve and we know each other well enough to recognise it in each other. They are cool, though.

Glad to hear you took this step, well done. I can identify with the hanging up and ringing back thing. Bear in mind if it's volunteer staffed that it may take a while for a response.

Big hugs honey, I realised about 15 years ago that a man took my virginity via rape over 25 years ago. I wasn't drunk but suspect heavily that my drink was spiked. I felt bad for a while, disappointed and blamed myself.

It does get easier but for a while you may feel angry, guilty and generally horrible. It will get better I promise but until then take time to be kind to yourself

Yes pocket I think it may take a while for them to get back to me, but hell. I've waited 16 years...and they are very possibly volunteer based.
knaffedoff did you get outside help or overcome it yourself? It's shit to be raped, but for it to be your virginity. Sorry. Hope you are in a good place now. X

Well done on making the call! You did that quickly! You also sound determined. I'm not sure if you've done counselling before, but if not remember that you need to feel comfortable with the person, that you have the right not to, that you have the right to ask them any questions and you have the right to change counsellor if you don't feel happy - not to worry they'll be offended!

I'm impressed at how quickly you've moved on this! I hope they call you tomorrow!

I didn't get help but am now in a loving relationship, feel well supported and life is good. I had buried the information for many years and for me, I don't want the trauma of trying to remember the details, I also made some very foolish mistakes afterwards, which I would rather forget about. I have little to no evidence and would prefer to look forward rather than back, as I said it took a while for me to get to this place of acceptance. I wish you well

what a horrible thing to have happened - you did not consent AND YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT. if someone stole your purse when you were drunk that would not be your fault either , it would be the fault of the thief.

HOWEVER you have recognised that your drinking habits placed you in danger and you should take a look at them.
I speak from experience and from too many occasions when I did stuff when drunk that I regretted later. and too many mornings when I could not even remember what happened the night before.