Don't know where I'm going wrong

[Renee01]

Hi

I have been married for just over a year. Me and my husband have a 9 week old baby.

Before our baby arrived our relationship was extremely strong. We always made an effort to communicate effectively and we respected and cared for each other. I never felt I had to keep anything to myself and nor did my husband and because of this, we were extremely happy.

Since baby things are obviously tough. What with my sleep deprivation and us both adjusting to a new normal. However, in the past, challenges have always brought us closer together. No matter what I do, I feel as if we're drifting further and further apart.

My husband seems to be snapping at me all the time and behaves as if I am attacking him. We have had some discussions about it and he apologises and says he realises he's being defensive. He always says he'll try harder but within 12 hours it's happening again. It's making me feel so isolated and alone. I've stopped saying things to him because I'm scared of how he'll take it. He says it's because he's tired and stressed because of work. I need him now more than ever but I feel the furthest from him.

It makes me feel so sad because he must think I'm a horrible person else why would he always perceive me to be having a go at him? I don't know what to do. I am so sad and just want things to be ok.

It's tiredness. It's so so tough in the early months. You're both adjusting to a massive change and you are tired out of your brains.

Try and be kind to each other and try and remember that it will get easier.

Hang in there

Thank you for the reply. You're right, I'm definitely very tired. We don't spend the nights together anymore so that he can get sleep so it irritates me when he says he's tired! I also know that not spending the nights together is adding to us feeling further apart.

I know it might be another one of the endless things that "will pass" but I'm feeling so so sad and alone. I can cope with tiredness, nappies, no routine, not getting my baby to sleep, etc. But I can't cope with my marriage disappearing while all this is going on. I feel like I need to do something to help us, I can't just wait for things to get better, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

It's not disappearing. I know it feels like it.

Try and keep talking about how you're feeling and you can get through this. AS long as you keep communicating.

I feel sad reading about you being sad.

Someone very wise once told me this: it will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end yet

9 weeks? It's like boot camp for marriages. It's so so hard.

The novelty has worn off of the new baby. The flowers are dead, the chocolates have been eaten and now it's just hard graft. The baby will become more settled and interesting, and then you get your new normal.

I had great advice which was to speak to your dh like a colleague. So when you're pissed off and are ready to rage, just try and be polite(ish) and don't try and out'tired' each other. There are no winners.

Chin up

Thank you so much for all the replies and support. I will keep trying to talk it out with him. I just hope things get back to how they were with us. I know they'll never be the same again but having a baby shouldn't mean all the positives and brilliant foundation of our relationship should disappear. It just doesn't make sense to me. It's as if now I'm really really struggling, he's deciding to turn into a horrible, unreasonable man - ?!? I'll keep at it. Thank you again.

He needs to keep at it too.

Have you talked to him in tens you've used here op?

I've talked to him and explained things as I see them. He says he understands but nothing changes. Today has been a bit better and, surprise surprise, we both slept well last night! I know things will improve as the baby gets older but I don't want to wish her babyhood away :(

The first few months after the birth of my lo brought my marriage to its knees , constant tiredness , lack of sleep etc etc.
Things do get better but all you can do is ride it out , adjusting with a baby is so difficult

If he is having a 'break' by sleeping alone, do you get any respite? Can he do the 10pm feed if you go to bed early (if you are ff or can pump). Or if you are not exclusively bf can he be on call on Fri, so you get a solid night.

It might help provide him with an insight into your life which I always find helpful...

It is so hard though. It will pass.

I don't really have a break from it tbh. He helps out at the weekends in the day and the evenings for me to have a bath etc. We've switched to bottles in the last couple of weeks so I'm hoping to go out for the day soon and leave her with him. It's crazy how having a baby separates you as a couple - our time together has gone, unless we have the baby with us. I'm terrified we'll never get it back or that, when we do, things I'll have changed beyond saving.

You get a new normal. Don't think 'this is it'. It isn't the end. If it never got any better then nobody would ever have a 2nd one. Think about it. Even the act of creating another dc involves some alone time

I posted on here when my son was 9 weeks old and it sort of makes for really grim reading. I had PND actually. Everyone was really helpful though. I can link if you like.

If you are on bottles then he can help very soon!

I think it is really important to get your DP involved in sole care early on for bonding but also general equality around who does what at home.

Also, do you put the baby in the cot at bed time? I know with DC1 we didn't - just left him sleeping in the carry cot in the lounge & then took him up with us - and it felt like we had no time.

Once we started putting him in bed at 7, we then had a few hours to ourselves.

How are you feeling generally about motherhood?

It's exhaustion. It makes some people really ratty. Please don't read any more into it, or feel your happy times are gone. It's very tough when DC are small.

It helps (well, it helped us) to establish a new way of being happy as a family rather than trying to get the old life back. As much as you can, do stuff that's fun together at weekends while the baby is still portable. We used to go to food markets and art galleries and long walks in the countryside, or to pubs for lunch instead of dinner. That was the stuff we enjoyed.

The more time he spends with the baby, the more bonded he'll be, so do encourage him to take the baby out on his own sometimes at weekends while you have a break. And then, also, you could go out and let him have a lie in once a weekend too. Give each other a break consistently.

And once the baby is taking bottles, can any relatives babysit so you can go out occasionally to a film or comedy night? (Avoid dinner. You'll be too knackered to talk and feel like you're growing apart. Go and see a band or a stand up comedian.)

Just to say this was completely normal for me, I began to really dislike my husband after our first and our marriage was very rocky. Apparently the year after having a baby is the most likely time to split up. After the second was much better as we slept separately (me with baby, him elsewhere) and one person having enough sleep was much better as I was breastfeeding anyway, so no need for him really to have very disrupted sleep, plus then he had more energy to take children on weekend and give me time to have a rest.

It does pass, it's not forever, you will reconnect, these things are cyclical, try to laugh or do something nice (go to bed at same time as baby and snuggle together) and realise you are now a team fighting the tiredness and making a new family rather than turning it into a tiredness competition and bickering all the time (easier said than done!)

You poor thing. I remember feeling like this all too well. and a big hug for you, even though it's not the done thing here.
I had a terrible sleeper and ebf for 10 months. I was fucking destroyed. I actually hated DH for most of DD's first year. Especially when he told me he was tired. The dickhead.
My best advice is to forget about what you think you 'should' do and just get through the day. Fuck all the chores and stuff, just leave it all and sleep when the baby sleeps.
I spent a lot of time thinking about how much easier things would be if I was on my own. I basically just plodded on and held out hope that we would get through it. And obviously there were some good times and I loved DD to pieces!
We did get through it. She is now 3 and me and DH are incredibly happy. Things get so, so much easier. It feels like you'll never get through those days. But you do.

Oh god this made me laugh:

Especially when he told me he was tired. The dickhead.

I can 100% identify with this

How are you today op?

Again, thank you for the replies. I can't tell you how helpful it has been to keep coming back on here and re reading them throughout the day.

Now I've got chance to reply! I took the advice of just getting through the day today and it was fairly liberating! FourForYou, you said about imagining how it would be easier on your own - this is what's scaring me - I regularly daydream about bringing my baby up alone and not being with my husband anymore. It doesn't make sense when I love him so much.

Anyway, overall I'm feeling a lot better thank you. I managed to get the baby down and we had dinner together last night which was lovely. I obviously came straight to bed myself at half 7 when I was finished but I know that won't always be the case.