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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Coming to terms with ex having new gf :(

12 replies

GrammarTool · 14/11/2015 02:34

I don't really need any advice, just needing to vent

My STBXH and I have been separated for 6 months. It's been a very amicable split but not without intense sadness and heartbreak. We have 2 dc, 10 and 12, and we have an excellent, cooperative co-parenting relationship. He still lives in the house we shared for 11 years.

He's gone away for the weekend with his new partner- a woman who he's been friends with for years. I 100% trust that there was nothing romantic between them until after our separation.

I thought I was fine with this, so agreed to feed his cats while they're away. I let myself in and there, right in the doorway of his bedroom (what was once also my bedroom) was a pair of her shoes. Well, I lost it. Sobbing, over a pair of shoes.

So what did I do then? You guessed it, I read his email. Of course it was full of "hi gorgeous" "hi beautiful" "love you" etc. Smart move , huh?? Don't know what I was thinking.

I have no desire to be with him again, and am seeing someone new myself. So WHY does evidence of his new life upset me so much? I don't want to be his "gorgeous" or his "beautiful" any more!! She's a good person and I truly wish them the best.

A bloody pair of shoes!! Aargh!!!! Does this sort of thing get any easier??

OP posts:

FuckYouSiri · 14/11/2015 02:48

Sorry how did you read his emails?

Original poster

GrammarTool · 14/11/2015 03:19

He still has the same computer that was 'ours'. Emails just come straight into the 'mail' app. He still uses an email account that was our shared one. So I just had to switch on and read.

I know this was crossing the line big time... I need to respect the boundaries. I just had a regrettable moment is all!!

OP posts:

Kuriusoranj · 14/11/2015 03:30

You poor thing. Humans aren't entirely creatures of logic - it's completely understandable that you had your moment.

Pick yourself up, promise yourself not to do anything like that again and put it behind you. If it's too hard to do things like feed his cats and so on for a while then don't do it again- I'm sure nobody would blame you for needing a bit more distance. You know it will get better over time -particularly if it is as amicable as you say. Give yourself time to adjust, grieve and move on -its been no time at all really, when compared to your time together.

There's no shame in realising that, after all, you're not quite so fine as you thought - if indeed that's the case. A lot of people (me included) have a tendency to minimise their own feelings some times for the sake of harmony. You can still feel fairly comfortable with the split whilst still feeling wretched for yourself - it's OK to think about yourself in this.

Original poster

GrammarTool · 14/11/2015 05:30

Thank you for your kind words Kuriusoranj

The biggest lesson I've learnt is to be kind to myself and accept that it's ok for me to feel sad.

OP posts:

FuckYouSiri · 14/11/2015 06:44

Ok, that is really wrong that you did that. I'm not going to go on about it as its not what you about. It's great that you are both getting along, but if you are having this kind of a reaction and breaching his privacy it means that it isn't working. Ie feeding the cats or whatever else. I would try and get curious with yourself and try to work out where it is coming from. Is it the fact that you wanted the marriage to work, is it because he called her gorgeous and never said that to you. I don't know if it's these that just an example. When I separated from my first ex I was glad when he moved on and didn't have an ounce of any negative feelings. Only give to him what you can without affecting you badly.

Original poster

GrammarTool · 14/11/2015 08:04

Thanks FuckYouSiri, you're right, it was a major breach of trust me doing that. Not proud of it.

The house has actually sold, so he'll be moving soon. I think it just hit me so hard because it was in what used to be my home. Things will be easier when he's somewhere that's 'his' alone.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 14/11/2015 08:24

Oh don't beat yourself up about it!
Even the email checking - that's one hell of a temptation when it's not secure at all.

You're grieving that you didn't get what you wanted. You don't want "him" you wanted "you and him to be sonething that lasted".

Add in the emotions of it being your old house too - really hard!

Have a damn good cry and be kind to yourself. You'll feel better soon.

TopOfTheCliff · 14/11/2015 08:31

My XH has just bought a lovely old house in our old village. My DD told me about it and I feel weird. I have moved on and bought a lovely house with my new DP so I have no logical reason to mind. But I am feeling a tiny bit jealous and miffed he can afford such a beautiful place on his own.

That is on a much smaller scale than the pain of the new GF and evidence of their new romance. You did make it worse for yourself by rubbing your nose in it so you kind of caused yourself that extra pain. Feel that hurt, let it go and promise yourself not to go there again!

Original poster

GrammarTool · 14/11/2015 08:54

Thanks Cabrinha and TopOfTheCliff

I thought I was completely cool, but part of me is thinking that 'Haha I'm the mother of his children, you'll never get rid of ME' thing. I would never, ever make things difficult for him, or be histrionic or spiteful because of this, but it feels like my little piece of personal power. Clearly I have a way to go to get over him!!!

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 14/11/2015 09:05

I dumped my XH and I wouldn't touch his lying cheating arse with a barge pole. His GF is not the OW and is unaware that he's not cheating on her, too. So no ax to grind there, only sympathy.

Yet last year when I dropped my child off for a happy family Xmas dinner at MY old house, and the GF was eying me curiously from behind a door (just come out love, your daughter has...) I admit it was in my head to call out to her "I still own a third of this huge beautiful house love, legal charge. He only didn't have to sell cos I valued stability for our child. Don't be fooled. And by the way he's cheating on you."

ALaughAMinute · 14/11/2015 09:40

You have no desire to be with your ex but maybe you are grieving for what might have been? Divorce is always hard, whether it be amicable or not. You were with him a long time and you have 2 DC's together so it's only natural that you're going to feel some sadness. Be kind to yourself and make plans for the future. You deserve some happiness too.

unicorn501 · 14/11/2015 10:29

That sounds really tough. It's only been 6 months, be kind to yourself. If he's in the old house it must be extra hard. My exH and I split up 2 years ago after his affair, he is still with OW, and I have absolutely no desire to be with him again. Yet sometimes certain things set off a kind of bittersweet melancholy feeling... Like when they go on holiday to a place that exH and I had always planned to go together. Or when exSIL put a picture of a family event on FB and all his family are there, with my DC, and exH and OW.

Next time don't agree to feed the cats! It's ok to want a bit of distance.

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