How to deal with people that fall out with you if you don't do/say as they want?

[LivingItUpInTheCity]

I find this happens to me fairly often; everything ticks along nicely with people if I do/act as they want but the second I don't they end up falling out with me in a huge way and it all turns into a drama.

I think I have people pleasing tendencies due to my dad having anger issues and being horribly abusive to me, and my mum enabling it. I could never put a foot right as a child. So I find confrontation and bad feeling hard to deal with.

I will try to give some examples.

A friend has recently fallen out with me. Our daughters are at school together and every time they have any minor spats or cross words or anything like that she texts me or phones me and moans about it and basically blames my DD. However her DD is actually quite unpleasant to mine sometimes, but I don't contact her about it as the next thing the girls are best of friends. About a week ago I got a long ranty text from my friend because DD had sat with another girl at lunch that day, and her DD said my DD pulled a face at her, and what was I going to do about it? I text back and said it would probably be best to leave the girls to it and that I wasn't going to do anything as her DD is sometimes not too nice to my DD but that kids do fall out and we shouldn't intervene. Cue her having a massive strop and telling me never to speak to her again, basically because I won't punish my DD on her say so, and didn't come back with the response she wanted.

I had a similar experience a couple of years ago. A friend wanted me to go out for the evening with her but beforehand drive 10 miles to pick her up, then drive and not drink all evening, and drop her home afterwards. I said I didn't want to do this, and she too pulled a huge strop with me and hasn't spoken to me to this day, yet has told mutual friends that I was awful to her.

How can I deal with this kind of person? Sometimes I think I'd rather be someone that is a hard faced bitch because at least people won't try it on with me even if I'm not liked by many.

Well you don't deal with them, you just drop them/avoid them. Why would you want to deal with them?

Life is too short for that kind of tedious drama.

On both counts you behaved perfectly reasonably. Have you had counselling for the abuse you suffered as a child? It really might help you put this in perspective, but it sounds to me as if you are managing your adult relationships well if you are telling these people to get stuffed

I think in the first instance you should just maintain very much a "they do fall out a lot at this age, perhaps you ought to speak to the teacher/school if you're worried" - that would have been better than stating the truth of her dd being unpleasant (well being a typical child).

I agree that you should be confident enough to tell them getting stuffed

Agree with random

Other than that detail, it's not you with the problem, it's them.

I did always take that stance however I got fed up with her always blaming my DD for everything, and her text was so arsey,

She's pointed out my DD's 'flaws' so much to me on a regular basis that I felt it needed pointing out that her DD is not perfect.

To be honest, i dont get into these sorts of friendships in the first place.

I wish I could avoid these types of friendships. By the time I realise what people are like I'm already their 'friend'. I'm really not a very good judge of character

The problem is, unless you stop the people pleading from the start then you're raising people's expectations for you always to fit in around them.

You recalled the incidents in isolation but I'd be will to bet that you've been a walkover and given when they've taken and not required them to give at all as you take nothing from them.

How you are from the start sets up people's expectations of you, even though they aren't what would be expected from others with more sturdy boundaries.

When you stop people pleasing you will find it loads easier the more you do it. It takes practise but I swear to god you'll stop caring about the bellends.

Cut off the knobs whether it's by telling them to fuck off or cutting them off and pretending they don't exist. (Always throws them).

New friends, give what you want but as soon as you feel that uncomfortable knot in your stomach when you're being asked to do what you don't want to, say no that doesn't work for me.

I could tell you many stories of the freeloading fucks I've cut off the past few years.. I can't believe I let it go on for so long.

In reply to just the very basic question - people who "fall out with you" if you don't do as they want are not people you want in your life.

If they are "friends" then you stop being their friend.

If they are family who you can't avoid, you make it so that the impact of their "falling out with you" is minimal.