Am I too understanding?

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I generally have a principle in life that everyone is doing their best in life and we only ever know our side of the story. This means I'm often forgiving of behaviour that if posted about on here would probably lead to 'i couldn't be doing with that, dump them as a friend etc' responses. For example a work colleague can be very difficult and moody sometimes, I guess that she has a MH issue which affects her actions and try to be understanding and think that she probably needs some professional support, yet most of my work colleagues just bitch about her behind her back, saying what a pain she is for being so difficult.

Another example is a friend who has been going through a period of 6 months generally being not very nice. Again. I don't know what is going on in her home life so I try to ignore the nasty bits and hope that the good friend will eventually come back. This means recently I have bitten my tongue when she has identified all sorts of things she doesn't like about me, she has lied to me, and she has ignored information I've told her so that she can twist facts to suit her own version of events. I regularly ask her if she's ok, offer to help her with things that might be causing her stress, and just ignore the rudeness. I don't seem to be able to see that she might actually not be a very nice person. even though I imagine that many other people would suggest that.

Am I compassionate or just a bit of a walk over? Do i need to toughen up an and put some boundaries in place? How tolerant of others poor behaviour are other MNetters?

I get what you're saying, and I'm probably on the 'give the benefit of the doubt' end of the spectrum - but if a 'nice person' snaps at you because they are stressed by events in their life, they tend to apologise afterwards. And nice people don't 'identify all sorts of things they don't like about [me]' to their friends, and that would be the point at which I start to distance myself. Being easygoing and tolerant isn't the same as being a punchbag or a doormat.

I don't seem to be able to see that she might actually not be a very nice person.
Well, if you are writing that then obviously you can see that she might not be very nice. I'm also not sure what you mean by "I don't seem to be able to see..." - as if you don't know if you can see it or not? Is this post really about you or is it about someone else who acts like this?

Can you see how others in your circle behave.

I used to 'help' people all the time, thought that that was what being nice was.
No, it's not! as 'helping' means they are inadequate in some way and you, the superior being, are required to fix things for the numpty them. Who would appreciate that. Help only if someone asks.

Also you sound like someone they take their annoyances and anger out on.
Which means they are annoyed with you for some reason (the helping maybe?).

Just be someone getting on with your life, forget all the interfering in others. Get busy with pastimes and sport - makes you a more interesting person. Then people will want you as an interesting friend, not to help them.

You sound like a really lovely person. And I agree, you do need to give people the benefit of the doubt. But there is something you are missing in this situation. In your kindness, you are perhaps forgetting that these people are adults who, like all of us, are responsible for the consequences of their actions.

You have assumed that your colleague has MH issues. Even if this is so, that does not absolve her of your workplace code of conduct.

Your friend is taking the mickey now.

It's good to give the benefit of the doubt, and be compassionate. However, you do also have a responsibility to yourself to have boundaries and be prepared to stand up for yourself. Letting someone treat you poorly and lie to you, whatever might be going on behind the scenes, is bad for you and also bad for them. Because if they get away with treating people around them badly, at some point it will bite them in the arse, and satisfying as that might be, if you're really a friend calling them on their shit is part of the deal.

Yes I think in some ways it sounds like youre actually going back for more abuse from certain people, which is doing neither you, nor them any favours at all to enable it.

Its one thing to float above it all, and I can totally see that some people are damaged individuals or going through some shit, but people dont get to talk to me as though im some sort of cunt with my blessing, just because they might be going through something. I dont think everyone IS doing their best in life. I think that some people are malignant and too damaged to be my friend or for me to even give the time of day to

You sound like me, but as I've got older I'm learning that there may be explainatiins but there aren't excuses.

One incident I'll let go, second I'll raise it, third and I'm off.

people dont get to talk to me as though im some sort of cunt with my blessing, just because they might be going through something

This. In spades.

and just ignore the rudeness
NO - don't ignore the rudeness. People don't get to be rude to you without being pulled up on it. No matter what they are going through. Friends aren't rude without being pulled up on it. Everyone needs to be reminded on boundaries and politeness. Next time challenge this behaviour.

Thanks for all the comments. I guess I do need to put some boundaries in place and should challenge people. The thing is I'm aware that I'm not always the model person, I've been through some tough times and have behaved like a bitch to people because my mind has been somewhere else, and so maybe I give people the benefit of the doubt because I hope that this is what they would do for me. Maybe it comes down to is unusual because it's out of character or is this person always 'difficult'.

Of course you're not always the model person, but if you aren't it's not a pattern of behaviour because you'd know from the person you snapped at that they've clocked your words so you won't do it again.

It's salami tactics with people pleasers, people take more and more from you slice by slice. Each slice in itself isn't to bad and then you realise those slices add up. You need to try to catch it before then.

I like to be broad-minded and understanding, seeing a possible other point of view, but you have made up stories out of thin air about these rude people, deciding that one has mental health problems and that the other has a difficult home life.

I generally have a principle in life that everyone is doing their best in life

Erm. They so are not. An AWFUL lot of people behave extremely badly and have no intention of 'doing their best in life'.

Girl, get some boundaries - do some courses. These people are taking the absolute piss.