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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want mummy to feel my pain

24 replies

bollockstomarriage · 13/11/2015 06:15

Almost divorced from an abusive partner with psychopathic traits & NPD. Last night my dc told me he'd told them he wants them to stay with him over Christmas 'so mummy can be all on her own & feel the pain I feel.' Wanker. I don't feel pain at being alone, I feel fucking joy & my kids best interests is at my heart. It doesn't hurt me when they're away, they'll be back again soon enough, desperate for relief from their dads narcissism. Deluded wanker.

OP posts:

wickedlazy · 13/11/2015 06:24

You're well rid of him!

Do dc's recognise that what he said was wrong?

dontcallmecis · 13/11/2015 06:26

That's actually pretty chilling.

Are you sure they'd be ok with him?

wickedlazy · 13/11/2015 06:28

Wrong as in naughty being a wanker!

honeysucklejasmine · 13/11/2015 06:30

To be honest I would be taking that quite seriously. Only in the best case scenario is he talking about them visiting him for a few days.

wickedlazy · 13/11/2015 06:31

Hope he is okay with them? Don't think op would send them to him if he wasn't/has had this set up a while and no incidents or bad reports apart from bad mouthing op

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 13/11/2015 06:41

I would stop contact and make him go to court.

He is emotionally abusing the children.

Original poster

bollockstomarriage · 13/11/2015 06:41

They're late-ish teens. The court says they choose whether to go or not. I support their decisions. They won't last. He has money, he can buy their attention. I'll be amazed if they last till tea-time Boxing day. Unfortunately for us, his behaviour is well documented with all authorities but although it's been horrendous at times, it's currently, just on that side of what they consider acceptable.

OP posts:

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 13/11/2015 06:50

I would just tell the DC that what they want to do for Christmas it up to them, but either way you will be happy.

Southsearocks · 13/11/2015 06:58

Well done for getting out, it can't have been easy.

ShebaShimmyShake · 13/11/2015 07:13

Is it wrong that my first thought is that your soon to be ex can't be the sharpest tool in the box if he isn't smart enough even to try to hide his true motivations and spitefulness?

If ever you needed proof of being well shot, this would be it, though you clearly knew that already.

Perhaps tell your kids, "Well we don't do things just to hurt other people because we are better than that."

I think it's the kind of thing they'll remember for a long time.

SettlinginNicely · 13/11/2015 07:33

I know nothing about this stuff. But that sounds horrible. Your poor kids!

I think you should keep a diary. Write down these comments and date them.

If this becomes a pattern or a problem, you will have a lot more credibility if it goes to court/mediation/social services, whatever.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 13/11/2015 07:42

He is showing them what an utter wanker he is.

Savagebeauty · 13/11/2015 07:47

He sounds like my ex.
Recently my dd confided that every time she sees him he bleats on about how mum has broken up the family, kicked him out of the home etc.
She doesn't want to see him at Xmas as she says he will be having a huge pity party.

kittybiscuits · 13/11/2015 08:07

Poor kids with wankers like this for fathers!

kittybiscuits · 13/11/2015 08:08

And I also find your post very chilling OP

dontcallmecis · 13/11/2015 08:09

OK, late teens. That feels a bit different. Still awful, but you know....your kids are less vulnerable.

ssd · 13/11/2015 08:15

he sounds unbelievably twisted, I dont think I could leave my kids with him..

gladisgood · 13/11/2015 08:16

for being so level headed and strong - you sound amazing.

Your username made me laugh, too!

Original poster

bollockstomarriage · 14/11/2015 20:33

So my kids are back from visiting dad & they tell me he's been telling them everything that mummy has 'demanded' legally. 'Mummy wants X pounds (unreasonable cow) & I can't afford it. I'm going to have to take out a bank loan'. - poor me. 'Mummy's ruined everything' I've got no-one now I'm allllll alone'. So my dc come home 'Is it true mum that you're taking dads money off him?' Funny how the legal process induces selective amnesia & that he forgot to mention he'd cleared out our joint savings to somewhere beyond my reach....

For the record I'd like to point out that right now every penny & brick we owned is in his sole name. It's so wrong what he's doing.

OP posts:

NettleTea · 14/11/2015 20:43

I would tell them that it is down to the judge to make the decision as to what they see as fair, and legal, in regards money. That removes the personal element from it, and makes it a thing of fairness and justice.

You could explain that you each have to tell the judge what you earn, what you own, what you have saved and what you have spent recently, and then they use that information to work out how much each person should get. And that when you are family, everything belongs to everyone, so it needs to be divided up fairly, especially if one person may have the responsibility of looking after the children, or hasnt worked as much because they were looking after the children.

They are at an age where they should be able to understand the ins and outs of that financial information.

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/11/2015 00:06

Your ex really is a cunt.

I think, difficult as it is, you do need to play the long game. They're kids now but in years to come as they mature and gain more awareness of the situation, I think they will come to realise just how out of order he is and how badly he could damage them by constantly using them as pawns to pit against you. Which is no reason not to explain to them how the finances work, who got what and why it's fair (maybe even show them some household finances so they understand what comes in and where it goes out, how much it really costs to run a home). But you probably do need to resist the temptation to slag him off overtly to them, and rise above, because at a later date they'll realise what's happening.

Given what a shit he is, though, I can understand why that would be difficult...couldn't blame you if it was too much.

OurBlanche · 15/11/2015 10:54

They're old enough for you to tell them the truth about the finances.

Don't allow him free rein, they may be late teens but they will still be open to paternal manipulation. Be clear, don't denigrate him, just explain the realities of the situation, how the law stands, etc.

NettleTea · 15/11/2015 11:33

I know it is hard, because you dont want to be seen as being nasty about your ex to the children, but there is a difference in slagging him off and being truthful, in an age and context appropriate way. And they will appreciate truthfulness far more than the confusion of you never saying a bad word, but wanting to leave.

MadisonMontgomery · 15/11/2015 13:05

I think you need to explain the details to them, otherwise if your ex is telling them xyz and you aren't saying anything then they might believe him. When my parents divorced my mum explained the whole process, who was entitled to what & why, including showing me the paperwork - my dad just used to be all woe is me and say my mum was taking him to the cleaners.

15 years on & my mum has died, and my dad is always going on about it & twisting it all to make him sound like a victim, and without my mum taking the time to explain everything I might believe him.

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