janaus
My husband and I are 22 months on from my discovering his affair with a work colleague, so I know it is very possible to recover from this (although I would class us as still in recovery rather than recovered).
In all the time since the affair was discovered, he has never once attempted to blame me for the affair. Even right at the very start of this journey. He accepted it was his fault totally and utterly and has worked very hard to sort out why he did what he did and change.
He sorted out counselling for us both, he was always willing to talk about what he'd done, answered questions over and over, comforted me when I was upset. He sorted out weekends away and nights out and the childcare that was needed. He made sure I knew how much he loved me. He kept in contact during his work day (huge step for him as had always compartmentalised work / home completely which was prob one of the issues that led to the affair). He was affectionate, caring, willing to open up and most of all incredibly ashamed.
Not wanting to talk about it, wanting to sweep it under a rug is a natural reaction for your husband. Hell, it's a natural reaction for any human when they have done something wrong.
DH has said that he just wanted to run away, to not confront what he'd done, to try and escape it completely. He had to fight the feeling of wanting to do that for months. And he could have. The OW would have welcomed him with open arms (she was desperate to leave her allegedly unhappy marriage - not so desperate that she'd leave to be on her own mind. She still wanted her nice lifestyle, three holidays aa year etc., and knew she wouldn't be able to do that on her own salary.)
The important thing is he didn't run away. He didn't sweep it under a rug. He met it head on, talked about it. Told his family what he'd done. Allowed me to tell mine, and my friends.
Even now, if I feel upset or have a question he will do his utmost to answer or comfort me and reassure me.
Don't allow yourself to take the blame. It is all with your husband. Don't feel guilty for looking at phone bills. Completely natural. I did. It tore me up seeing how often they were in contact. But DH wasn't cross about that. He drove home from work immediately when I rang him sobbing and screaming about what I'd seen on his phone bill so he could talk to me.
Our relationship is very good now. We are both very happy. Obviously there is still an occasional wobble when I feel upset. But I know I can talk to him about it and I know that ultimately I will feel better for doing so. In fact I can talk to him about anything and I will feel better. And the same for him. He is the most open about his feelings he has ever been in the time I have been with him and it's great.
You must talk to him about your feelings. He must allow himself to hear your pain and accept all the blame. He must work hard to repair the hurt he has caused. Don't take too much of it on yourself or I think eventually you will come to resent that (and possibly him).