Help! I don't want to call my husband an idiot but...

[jessebuni]

So obviously I don't want to resort to name calling and being outright mean but I'm seriously losing my sanity here! My husband (like many men I'm sure) is impatient and never stops to think or read anything! By this I mean apparently speed limit signs, parking signs, instructions. You name it! My problem is that I'm the one dealing with his shouting and swearing about the washing machine making too much noise, him getting parking fines etc. And we don't have the money to pay for all his mistakes! He got a parking ticket which he swore he wasn't paying because he was allowed to park there, swore blind there was no yellow lines, markings or signs. There was a single yellow line and a bright yellow reflective sign saying no parking mon-sat 8am-6pm right where he parked. In the past two years he has got three speeding fines that he is adamant aren't his fault (because clearly they are someone else's fault???) and resorted in fines of £100 each and six points on his license meaning increase in our car insurance premiums. Then there's the washing machine!!! He fitted it without instructions claiming he knew what he was doing and didn't need them (probably common with men) but he didn't know! This machine was brought by my nan as a present because our old one broke and this close to Xmas we couldn't afford a new one having already done the Xmas shopping. So when I use the machine and it shakes the crap out of my kitchen its obvious something is wrong. He blames the machine, shouting and swearing about it and despite me reading the instructions and asking if he removed the transit bolts he refuses to look at the instructions or sort the machine out. After three days and the machine jumping out of its gap and tearing our lino I pull it out, find the transit bolts that he swore didn't exist and removed them. Luckily the machine now works fine and wasn't damaged by being used with them in. Just the floor. But seriously?! How can I explain to my husband to stop and read and think before doing things without him ripping my head off and getting in a strop over it? We don't have the money for him to keep breaking everything and getting fines for not looking at signs!

I think perhaps your desire not to call him an idiot is helping him continue to be one. He needs to be able to admit when he's done something wrong. Even if it's not immediately, I think a few hours grace is sufficient. If he can't do that he either has a massive self esteem problem or a massive ego problem.

Can you just peacefully leave him to his immature tantrum when he kicks off.

The problem are the bills adding up with his tickets and him ruining things by not reading instructions.
That is not sorted by leaving him to have a rant by himself.

Sunnyminimalist, true, but poor OP has to fork out for all his mistakes without so much as an acknowledgment that he's done anything wrong. I would not be best happy. Something needs to be said OP (when he is not in the middle of tantrumming). And yes, an apology too. I expect if you took £300 out of a cashpoint and gave it to charity, he would go mad. Well, what he's doing is a lot worse.

From what you have said - he can read "basic" English, he struggled academically - I think it's probable he has dyslexia. You mentioned he could read Facebook; often dyslexic people find it easier to read words on a screen whereas they struggle with printed paper or reflective signs. (My son has particular problems with signs, as did his dad.)

Have you ever gently raised the possibility of dyslexia with him? It might help him, and he would react less aggressively when confronted with the consequence of him not paying attention to signs or instructions. My H felt a relief to understand that he actually had a learning difficulty that had held him back at school, and was not just a "thick idiot" which his teachers and parents had always maintained (not a nice family, nor a nice school.)

We've been together 10 years and have a 7 year old and a 3 year old. He could be dyslexic since he had loads of trouble in school. And he probably does suffer with stress from work. He works 60 hours a week, more when he is on call. I wouldn't mind the things he does so much if he just apologised later for a start. I've lost my temper and shouted at him before but I apologise later when I've calmed down. He wasn't this bad even a few years ago so I would definitely say that the stress makes it worse even if it doesn't excuse it.

His behaviour is out of order and shouldn't be excused, however there were a few things you've said that jumped out at me.
Lack of regard for consequences, inability to follow or want to follow instructions and problems at school. Was he ever diagnosed with anything during his school years????
Rather than dyslexia I'd be going towards ADHD or ASD

Forgot to add the temper tantrums too

Sounds like you've got yourself a twat there OP. Sorry.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

And you are still together because...

You met this man when you were 17 and had no life experience behind you. He has exploited that as well. I am certain he can manage very well in his job; it is to you and you only that his true nature is really shown.

You are simply being dragged down with him by association.

Do you also want your children to see all this from him as "normal" because it clearly is not. It is also not down to you to potentially diagnose him.

Just to say that he doesn't sound like all men. My DH is the polar opposite from the person you describe. Whatever the reasons are behind your DHs issues, it is not normal behaviour.

I have ADD and I still have the good grace to admit if I am in the wrong.

Donajimena I'm not saying his behaviour is right by any means. Just adding an idea. If someone's behaviour has never been challenged and explained or diagnosed they potentially know no different and don't understand how it appears to others.

He sounds like a dick but please stop saying his dickishness is "probably common with men". It isn't and lazy sexism shouldn't be tolerated in either direction

THIS

Mine has a touch of Idiotitis too. Drives me crackers. He loses important stuff a lot which then costs £xxx to replace. Drops things. Breaks stuff. Gets very cross with himself and sulks at himself. It can be very wearing. I have learned to let it wash over me or I'd kill him. How he manages to hold down his very successful job I have no idea. I can only imagine that he is less chaotic on company time!

He sounds like an angry cunt.

Came on to say he sounds like he has dyslexia. what made me think that was not thinking of consequences. I teach a lot of children with dyslexia and one thing l learnt is they cannot make pictures in their head. When you or l see a parking sign we make a picture in our mind of what is likely to happen if we park there so decide not to. Dyslexia people don't do this. My ds has dyslexia and he does this. Recently he got clamped over not paying a parking meter. Also swore another time he was in the right as no sign. Put in an appeal and they sent him a photo of his car parked under the sign number plate clearly visible. Only solution is him to be more aware and also money to come out of personal money so he has to be more focused. Dyslexia leads to frustration too but have zero tolerance for any aggressive talk.

My DH used to be like this. Rarely read instructions, would launch into a project with the end result in mind, but no thought or planning as to how to achieve that. He isn't stupid either, just totally chaotic, disorganised and not at all Mr. Practical.

He has improved somewhat with age, but not realising that brand new washing machines have transit bolts that need to be removed is just the sort of thing that I could have pictured him doing. Perhaps he still would. I have fitted our last couple of washing machines myself (it isn't difficult) so I don't know.

Perhaps your DH thinks that having to read instructions is an insult to his manhood. That is utter bollocks, of course.

He's an immature dick. No, not all men are like that, stop telling yourself that, is it to sweeten the fact you feel stuck with him? Go and find yourself a functioning adult. You will see that normal ones aren't like that.

I'm bewildered why you wouldn't just read the instructions and fit the washing machine yourself if you know he has a tendency not to read stuff, get things wrong and be a knob about it.

My husband likes to think he knows how to fit and do diy things without instructiobs. He cant. The solution - just do it yourself, do it before he even gets a chance. R.e the parking fines etc thats just being a knob, tell him your fed up and if he doesnt get his act together then he can beat it!