I can't see a future at all.

[wynkenblinkennod]

Hello there

Am going through a divorce, after being with my ex for 32 years. Am now 49 years old, we have been separated for 2 1/2 years, no contact at all. Sometimes I am ok but sometimes I am really not and I am not sure how I can go on because sometimes just sometimes I hear something about him or a memory hits me and tbh its like a punch in the chest. I have felt like my right arm has been missing. He left me for a wealthy ow. And now he is getting a dog with her, they have been getting a rabbit and a cat too but somehow hearing about the dog has upset me? Laughable really how I am upset about it, as I am not sure myself why I am?
Sorry, this probably is not making sense but am feeling very low tonight.

Just a suggestion, but what about exercise? Before you feel patronised let me tell you I'm a size 16 hater of execise but IT definitely helps with mental wellbeing.
I went loads after my husband left, it helped in so many ways, lifted my mood, helped me sleep, gave me some social interaction and I had a more toned appearance which gave me confidence.
Is that worth a try?
Zumba type classes can be great fun, or just us the gym with your favourite music in your ears.

Ledkr is right. Bring some fun into your life. Look after you. Eat well and healthily. Mineral deficiencies can really bring you to rock bottom.

My husband of 30 years cheated on me. I was you. Rock bottom. He'd moved on with his life and id been slammed into a brick wall. Dazed, bruised, broken and confused.

My family and dear friends propped me up till I was able to stand on my own two feet again. There was years of it. I had two grandchildren who pulled me through. An awful lot of bad stuff happened in that time. I was 56 when we got divorced, so married for 33 years.

I met my second husband about 3 months after my divorce. I/ we have a lovely life. He's a much, much nicer man. We married this year and are very happy.

Don't write your life off. Once I'd picked myself up off the floor I decided I was going to have a ball and I did. I took up new hobbies, travelled, went skiing, sailing I told myself I wasn't going to look on that time with regret and I don't . Once I accepted my marriage was over the new me emerged. I had so much fun.

I'm still having fun. I just returned yesterday from a fabulous sunshine break.

As for my exh. He married a woman he told my son he didn't really love. He died last Christmas aged just 60. He had a very unhappy ending, estranged from his daughter and half of his grandchildren.

You've got the gift of life. Live it. To the max. This isn't a dress rehearsal .

I hope I've given you some hope because honestly, I was just where you are, down, on the floor but like that song....the only way is up!

How are you feeling today OP?

OP, soon, I hope, you will be able to reassess why it is that you feel love for someone who no longer loves you. From what you have said it seems you do need a way of picking yourself up and I would strongly urge that you ask for help, for instance I believe that Relate type counselling might help you. It should be your decision and could be a slow process and move you out of your comfort zone, but I think you should be looking at a process like that. I wish you all the best.

Thank you Ledkr and Dowser, I have followed your stories as I have been on here for a while but have name changed. You have been through the mill and I understand what you are saying. Both of you have really picked yourselves up and done so well and life is good for you both and I am pleased for you both too.
I just dont think this is what is going to happen to me though. I do all the right things. I go out with friends, go to pilates, am learning to drive ( he was always funny about me learning to drive). I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, I have had lovely family time, and I know he has missed all thst and will never get it back. But I ache, deep inside at times so much.
Thank you also Epilepsy and Freda for thinking of me too. I just feel to be going back to a counsellor, I would be going backwards.
I also struggle with how he stopped loving me. When and how? I had no inkling till the month before he left as he was treating me so badly.

Darling I know you feel like "they are different, I will never get over it like them" but you do.
I wished to be dead for ages. I felt fat, ugjy and discarded too.
I heard about fun things they had done together and felt sick.
I was so distressed I couldn't eat or sleep for ages or even tell anyone what had happened.
Slowly it fades.
Now, the fact that you still feel this wretched after this long is another issue.
It sounds as if you have triggered off some depression or anxiety from the trauma.
The good news is that it can be treated in a variety of ways.
Both medication and therapy would help massively.
You are unable to process anything while your brain is still in trauma. Please start the route to getting help today.
We are right here with you.
One day u will be on here telling others your story.

Its going to be ok.
A counsellor might help. You change, you can have counselling for different things.

I just dont know what has triggered this. I really was doing fine. I think its the dog thing? Seems so daft really. And the terrible loneliness I feel, maybe its the Christmas period?
I just dont understand why he can swan off into the sunset and be happy after all the destruction he and her caused? How can people be happy knowing the chaos they have left behind? We have been doing ok, my girls and I but they can still see their father and I have so many unanswered questions which I know will never ever be answered.

It's the dog!
I was once triggered by hearing they had gone swimming!!
Even now I sometimes get a pang but it soon goes.
I read an article about how very real and traumatising betrayal can be and how it can trigger mental health issues.
Are u near me? You are more than welcjme to drink coffee at my kitchen table.

And christnas is crap too.

I have been where you are - it is hideous and you wouldn't wish it on anyone. So many of us here were just the same - and as time goes on we are ok. Well, more than ok.

The loneliness is foul. I tell you what though, you sound like you don't miss him, but you miss the presence of someone. Or you miss the man you thought he was, not the man he is. Your heart will catch up with your head. You will find you won't want him. You will discover that you deserve way much more than he would ever offer you. Just keep holding on. Your life has been ripped apart and torn asunder - but you can rebuilt a new, happy life with a future to look forward to.

I know I sound like bumper sticker - but you can be happy again. So very many of us here are testament to that. Just because your future is not the one you had hoped and planned for, it doesn't mean the rest of your life will be bleak. It will just be different and new - now doesn't that sound a tiny bit exciting?

Yes Ledkr you are probably right. Sometimes I hear things and I dont bother but the dog thing has hit me hard. Daft isnt it?
Summer yes you are right about that too. I would never ever have him back, and he would never come back but I miss the man I thought he was? I loved him too much but then I thought he loved me too but I got it totally wrong. I do not think I will ever trust another man.
I also know this sounds awful but I do gain some satisfaction knowing he is missing out on all these special occassions with his children and grandaughter. He is also not included in any events with ow's children as they dont want him there. And he is not included in any events with his own children and grandaughter as he is not wanted there either.

Hi winken I could have written your post. Sorry you are finding it tough too. I am finding the advice useful, but like you, I can't seem to move on.

Get out there and meet a nice man - you are still young! Best cure to get over an ex.

You can trust again, you don't have to give up your life for another man again but you can be happy with someone new.

I am sorry you are like this Cassa, its horrid isnt it? . I just do not know how to get out of this, and when I hear that they have got married, dont know how I will deal with that. Think I will be devastated all over again. I just know I have got all this to come.

Yes Jan I would like to meet someone but what I do is very gender based and I meet literally no men at all.

Please think about seeing your GP, what you're describing sounds very much like trauma induced clinical depression. I had it after a series of miscarriages, just felt completely empty and unable to take pleasure in anything despite doing all the 'right' things to make myself feel better. Anti depressants can be a scary proposition, I'm not the kind of person who likes taking medication but I reached the stage where I really couldn't continue as I was and I was really surprised by how much they helped. The phrase 'fake it till you make it' gets used a lot on here and that's what AD's did for me, they allowed me to feel something other than that crushing emptiness while my mind and body healed after what I'd been through, I honestly think I would have drowned under the weight of it without them. I was only on them about 9 months but it was enough to even my mood out so that when I started reducing the dose and eventually stopped taking them things stayed on an even keel. I don't fully understand the brain chemistry of depression but it kind of makes sense that sometimes traumatic events push your resources down so low that you're unable to correct the imbalance without help, do you think maybe that's what's happened to you? It's completely understandable that the changes in your life have knocked you for six and I'm not implying that your feeling aren't entirely valid and justified but you sound frustrated that you can't get out from under them so maybe you're at the stage where a little help would be a good idea. I think sometimes we just get stuck in a rut of turning everything over in our minds and trying to work out the reasoning behind things that have no logical reason, in your case it's your ex's actions, for me it was why the miscarriages kept happening but there comes a point where that becomes unhealthy and can stop us moving forward and that's where I was when I saw my GP and got some help. It doesn't feel like it now but there is happiness in the future for you but for now you need to concentrate on improving things in the here and now, the first step is getting to the stage where you can start to enjoy the things you're already doing and that's why I think AD's might help just to give you a boost short term.

Thank you Fern. Yes I do frustrate myself! I get annoyed at myself for getting so low when he treated us all so badly. Unfortunately I am already on AD's but I know I have to go back to the doctor. I had a breakdown when this all happened and I def do not want to go back there again.
I do make sure I have things that I look forward to. If you met me you would think there was nothing wrong with me. I laugh, I go out, I do stuff. But right now it feels very hard and difficult again, and it happened 2 1/2 years ago.

I would definitely go back, could be that your dosage needs adjusting. I know you don't particularly want to go back down the counselling route but it can be an ongoing process as new issues present themselves, worth thinking about at least. I feel so sad you're feeling like this, you come across as such a lovely person and I wish one of us could wave a magic wand and make you happy again

Oh wynken, I was in exactly the same situation as you 5 years ago. It is evil, but you will get through it, one day at a time. On another thread you said you reported him for DV and it got as far as court but no conviction because of lack of evidence. Can you concentrate on that? Tell yourself you cant miss that man, the man who was violent to you. You cant let your daughters think that is acceptable. I think the man you are thinking of, the man you are missing, is the man you wanted him to be, not the man he was. Men who love their wives are not violent, they protect them from harm. Let him go. He did not love you, he did not deserve your love and loyalty, he does not deserve what you are feeling now. If he is happy now with OW so what? If he is missing out on family occassions again so what? If he is suffering and miserable again so what? Let it go, dont care either way, shrug your shoulders and say Meh, I dont care. You have what matters the most, your family your daughters and granddaughter. Dont let what he has or hasnt got spoil what you have. You have everything. You have survived the worst part, you will survive the rest and live a good and happy life, you can do it, your really can. Show your daughters how to be a strong woman, I know you can do it!

Yes Ticking that is correct. I feel so upset now, because even though I absolutely know you are right and he has behaved so badly, he blames me for going to the police about him. He really hates me. All those years to
end in hatred and animosity.
I have tried so hard to get my life back on track, but its going to be a very difficult divorce. He will fight all the way because he wants revenge so much. And at the heart of it all I can still feel broken hearted, tired and sick to my soul.