Childhood issues - what do you think

[PippaFawcett]

Currently NC with DM and I am getting pressure from other families to reinstate it for the sake of my children.

DF died suddenly when I was a child, DM got married to stepfather in secret while we were at school and we were told over dinner when we got home. Several weeks later we were moved from Scotland to south England, away from our school, friends and family.

Shortly after our arrival, stepfather started sexually abusing me. I attempted to tell DM once but was brushed off and there was no culture for us to complain about his general bullying etc. He died when we were adults after we told our DM about the abuse and although she did eventually leave him, she still nursed him through cancer to the end.

Now I am a mother I can't bear to look at her. She has been a good mother since his death and everyone feels (wider family, DH is v supportive) I should leave things in the past, she claims she was taken in by him and is a 'victim too'.

I mentioned the wedding thing at work in passing today and my colleague was completely shocked that my DM would do that and it made me think they don't know the half of things and perhaps being NC is the right decision. No idea what is normal or reasonable anymore

I know. My DC did have a positive relationship with her until I went NC and she is so different with them than she was with us, she is warm and loving with them.

She has been a good mother since his death - so if I have this right DM put you second to her late DH. It seems some of the advice you have been getting in RL is crass, given by people who are possibly naive of the issues.

In these circumstances what you decide here is up to you, nobody should be telling you what to do. It's bad luck them at the garden gate can't just listen to your story and not try to throw in their (ignorant) two penn'orth. Do what's right for you, OP, it's your life to heal and move forward with.

My mother is also very different with my children than she was with me and my sisters. She thinks I'm too harsh on them when she was ten times stricter!

I dispute though the idea that she has been a good mother to you since your stepfather's death. A good mother would sit down with you and talk through what happened and try to help you come to terms with it.

I also wonder if the extended family for selfish reasons want it to "go away" as then they don't have to re-examine their own roles in history in possible being complicit by their own inaction? They don't give a toss about your wellbeing, therefore all the more reason for you to stick to your guns and protect yourself - they didn't

Did she know? Ignore the signs? Put herself first? I wonder if she/my mum had to face being complicit in the abuse they couldn't live with themselves and therefore denial is easier.

Yep. Fellow abuse survivor here, my mum refused to leave my dad, let it carry on for years and he was very obviously grooming my younger sister when I finally told a teacher at school. She was furious with me for "breaking up the family".

We are now NC, although it's pretty recent, and I am so much happier.

She may have been kind and loving to your DC up til now, but her track record shows that she can't be trusted to safeguard them, because she has a history of putting her needs, and any man's needs, above those in her care.

I am quite lucky in that my mum isn't really involved with my wider family, so I don't have much danger of running into her at any gatherings.

I think saying she was 'a victim too' was a dreadful thing to say in the circumstances. It is another way of minimising what happened to you. Stay away.

She has been a good mother since his death

Hate to be harsh but I imagine this is because she has lost her husband and has nothing else to do. I doubt she has realized how appallingly she behaved

And I totally agree with MyFavourite

MyFavourite, it is the minimising of it that really pisses me off as well. She is saying that having your child abused is just as bad as being the child that was abused even though, in my mind, she was part of the culture that allowed it to happen.

Yup, it neatly moves her from 'facilitator' to 'victim'. And of course, if she is a victim no one should be giving her a hard time about what happened. Even you, the actual victim. It's revolting.

I can't tell you how much that helps seeing that written down by someone else.

pippa, what matters here is your thoughts, feelings and your wishes ... and most of all, protecting your children.

I think the best thing you can say to the extended family flying monkeys is that there are circumstances that they are unaware of, because you're quite certain that your mother has not mentioned them. Also mention that your brother left the country to make a new start from his upbringing. It might make them think just a little.

it's sad, but the family have made their choice. It's hard and lonely on your own, but in the end you rely on friends rather than family.

Especially if your mother would start playing games with your children, or start massaging the reason for NC, it's best to keep her away from them. If you do feel she is due -some- contact (if she's not actively destructive now) then supervised would be best.

How old are you DC Pippa? I ask because my DM was sweetness and light with my DC when they were younger. Now they are teenagers she hates one (who called her out on a nasty slip of the tongue) she tells the rest of the family this DGC is a spoiled brat. She's not. The other is so pulled in my DM's public face that she started siding with the rest of the family. Having your own daughter repeatedly telling you that your nasty to be nc is not nice.

My DM lives ten minutes away. She started letting herself in and Turing up at the DC school when I fist went nc. I don't hear from her anymore. She got the message eventually.

Apologies for the awful typos

Have you openly discussed it with a counsellor, all the details, or skirted round it. Totally opening up about stuff helped me, being advised on how to think/behave positively, CBT like, didn't help.

Why does everyone feel DGPs are so vital in DCs lives. Mine were brought up miles from theirs and hardly saw them. and some were kindly and some not that interested. Didn't occur to me or anyone else that this was an issue. So live life without DGM or family if you have to don't put yourself through more emotional stuff just for them. DCs soon grow up and away from DGPs anyway as they get busy with other stuff once older.

A few years ago I had various bouts of counselling but to be honest, none of it felt like it helped and it is so expensive. I really resent having to cut back elsewhere to be able to afford counselling for something that wasn't my fault.

That is a good point about grandparents, it doesn't help that I feel like I see a lot of grandparent input where I live and I just wish things were different.