Can I have a bit of hand holding to make me feel sure I did the right thing?

[cantolupo]

I know this is quite trivial compared to some of the awful things on MN and I have been through some of those things myself which is why I am maybe a bit delicate and over-devastated today.

I've been seeing someone for only about six weeks but he'd been asking me out for out six months before that and in that time I'd grown to really feel something for him so even though it was only six weeks for me it felt like the start of something with a person I really liked and cared about.

I've been a real fool because although he was asking me out a lot he'd always said he was in a place in his life to not want a full relationship or a future but when we did fnally get together it felt so right and so fantastic that I just thought we were headed into something.

The first few weeks he was like a little boy in love and then I suppose as soon as I started showing I felt the same way he started to pull away.

Last night we were chatting and I wanted to get to the bottom of it and he basically said he wanted no strings and he'd pulled back so as not to get my hopes up falsely that he was going to change his mind about wanting a relationship.

So that was it, and I realised he doesn't want a relationship with me at all and that I feel more than he does. So I told him our situation wasn't working for me and ended it calmly. He was quite quiet and let me do it and we said goodbye. All over in a few minutes.

We don't mix in the same circles, so reality is I will probably never see him again and I am just sitting here crying and feeling really broken hearted, which I know sounds naff after six weeks but we'd just spent time together before that and I'd built such an attachment and caring for him and honestly believed he felt it too. My gut told me that he did, and it's such a horrible feeling.

I feel really awful. Please tell me I did the right thing and that I am going to forget soon.

I went through such a massive heartbreak a couple of years ago and this was the first time I've truly cared about someone new.

That's such a good idea Marxist!!! It will drive him nuts!!!

I've had one of these too. Funnily enough, also a Scorpio!

I fell for him hard, and he appeared to be exactly the same. He asked me to move in with him, and then changed his mind when I started looking for work in his area prior to deciding to move. Then a few weeks later he asked me again. Then changed his mind again.

He said he loved me, but he wasn't 'in love' with me - I wasn't The One apparently He certainly acted like he was in love with me though!

It went on for about 3 months all in all, at the end of which time my head was fucked. It was coming on here that made me finish it for good, I was in bits. Best thing I ever did, I met DP a couple of months later and that was years ago now. He's amazing.

God knows where I'd be if I'd try to stick it out with push-me-pull-you bloke. Probably rocking in a corner somewhere.

Just cut him off, it's not worth your upset and sanity.

And, in my experience, of course he's staying in contact with you so that he can pull you back to push you away again. It'll just go on and on.

Sorry to hear that spice. Some people are so weird the way they live their lives.

I just don't understand why people can't just be honest!

Cantolupo, you are being very brave. Good on you for finding someone to take to the event. Bet that man is walking on air now

As for the texts, do not get reeled in again. If he keeps contacting you just text back:

Look xyz, I have put my cards on the table and you know what I want. Because I like you so much and cherished our time together I am respecting YOUR wishes and getting on with my life. I hope you can understand that your constant texts are hard for me after the conversation we had. I wish you nothing but well but please don't try pulling me back into something that would make both of us unhappy in the long run. Good luck!

Or something along the lines. Damn girl, I feel for you. At least he keeps coming back to you. Bet he's going to impress you for your birthday.

Mine has literally said "just don't get too deep it's not in my personality" and I have yet to hear from him again. I mean mine hasnt pressed the issue. So you know at least yours really really likes you.

Play hardball. No more comms after that and let him miss you!!

That post was such a boost, thanks.

It's funny that after what my ex did, I lost complete confidence in myself when I'd always seen myself as funny with a magnetic personality and intelligent - I couldn't see that about myself anymore. My reaction to what he did was to get to the gym, get to the shops, get to the hairdresser and I am permanently made up like a bloody Kardashian and everyone tells me I look amazing and have never had so much male attention in my life but have never felt lonelier.

It's a sheild I've put up to hide the fact that what the ex did made me feel like I wasn't worth staying with if I was sick or needed something. I didn't used to be like that at all and it hurts me that this man was my friend for a long time and know all this about me. I'd not seen him romantically and saw him as a completely kind and caring friend and he knew I was fed up with men wanting me for sex and I don't know why he didn't care enough about me to not be such a knob.

The black tie event wasn't just any event. It was me getting an award for something I'm really proud of; so inviting him meant something to me and it hurt that he felt so conflicted at the idea of going.

I think I got got treated so badly by the ex that being treated a bit badly doesn't actually register with me. I feel angry and frustrated and upset but can't really articulate why or stand up for myself properly.

I have looked back on all of this and have identified that he has been a massiv knob. I have the text messages going back since we knew each other and reminded myself that when he wanted to lure me, he was texting me sugesting dates and days out and trips away together, and when we first got together he wanted me to meet his friends and family and all of a sudden accompanying me to an event gives him cold feet.

We also discussed it before we got together what would happen if one of us fell in love and he said "we'll make it work" but the truth is that he's going out of his way to make sure that's impossible. He's been gagging to see me one minute and going quiet the next and it's made me feel crazy at times.

I can't really figure him out at all really. He's a god looking professional guy with plenty of options and he actually lives quite far away from me so seeing me is a pretty big time commitment. He went so far out of his way to get me in the first place, and he does sweet things for me and goes on and on about how amazing it feels and yet at the same time he's pushing me away.

Push-pull-push-pull. I never realised how horrible that cycle was or how difficult it was to get out of. When I have pulled away a little, he's panicked and pulled me back. It's so selfish and so pointless.

I have booked to go to the event with someone else. Actually someone I dated a few times and stopped seeing because I didn't feel a strong connection but he's bloody brilliant, immensely handsome and a lot of fun and I figured he'd be great company. He was delighted to go with me and is happy for me to be winning the award.

Got another couple of dates lined up. One of them phoned me today when I said I'd split up with whats-his-name to cheer me up and he did make me laugh a lot on the phone. Maybe just a few lightthearted dates might cheer me up a bit.

So sorry for that long post. Writing here has kept me sane today.

My sister popped over and she just could not believe it had come to this after he spent so long chasing and seemed so nice. She thinks he's got some growing up to do and she says at this point he has to woo me back if he wants any chance.

I am at the point of not caring that much anymore. Being sad, yes, but also just not wanting to spend another five minutes with someone who treats me like that.

I just want someone to be nice to me :( and for everyone else to go away. I'm tired.

And honestly, I don't think he really really likes me. I think he really really likes the sex. I think he wants to walk in here once a week and play boyfriend without caring at all about what I want or how I feel. When I care about someone I think of ways to make them smile or to put their feelings first.

He does a lot of nice stuff for me or with me and goes to a big effort to see me but it's just because he wants to and gets something out of it. He doesn't actually care about me properly I don't think :(

I don't know why I thought he did. It's hard sometimes. The way men act when they want to get you into bed is sometimes so easy to trust

to be honest...this sounds really goofy and sad...he'd chased me so long and been so sweet and shy about it that the night we got together felt a bit like Ross and Rachel in friends. He was just so happy and so excited and kept going on about how amazing it was and I was getting hundreds of texts a day and he was like a dog chomping at the bit to see me; only to suddenly pull around.

That never happenned in friends of course! Lol.

I'm almost laughing at the fact I am suck a knob!

Just groan.

He's been online on POF about 5 times today, I know I shouldn't look but I didn't even know he had a POF account until he told me on our last date and he's on it as "looking for a relationship" :( whilst telling me he absolutely doesn't want one.

Feel completely sick.

Just so upset that i trusted this person and he's such a knob.

Feel so used and stupid.

I really, really thought he really liked me a lot. Actually thought he liked me much more than I liked him! Im obvously a rubbish judge of character.

Nah he's not on there looking for a relationship, he's there looking to lead someone up the garden path believing he's looking for a relationship only then to pull the same shit as he's tried to pull on you.

How sad is he turning out to be, you've had a lucky escape cantolupo! It also shows quite the opposite of what you've said about yourself, you are quite the judge of character. A lot of people would hang in there in the hopes he would change of mind. You know what you want and binned him pronto. I'm impressed

This! ^^

I feel so stupid. He spent months and months chatting to me and listening about other men I was dating and telling me he was a good decent man and to give him a chance. He's so quiet and gentle and has kind eyes and I thought to myself "shame you don't fancy him, he's so nice" :(

I can't help feeling it's just me he doesn't want a relationship with.

He's not the only one out there. My dd had her heart broken and was off men until she healed. But this guy, good-looking, charming and sweet, pursued her for about 8 months, until she gave in and went out with him. All lovely for a few weeks, then he started to-ing and fro-ing, like yours. Then she discovered he was shagging a rugby player and gave him the elbow. Cue more heartbreak and self-flagellation. Female rugby player.

Award evening date sounds nice. Someone to have a good time with and who cares about the future: that sounds like a good tonic just now.

Sorry for your daughter! It feels rubbish.

"Who cares about the future": clumsy way of saying, you can just enjoy the moment with him without building it into anything more.

I didn't see how I could enjoy even a moment with someone who didn't want to go on a date with me in case it led me on. That felt like dropping my standards through the floor and just made me feel sad.

I didn't see how I could enjoy even a moment with someone who didn't want to go on a date with me in case it led me on

He's really insulted you there. That's like saying "I know you're far more into me than I am you and I can't attend looking all handsome and sex god like for fear of other women launching themselves at my feet. So to save you the humiliation I'll heroically decline for your sake" What a twat.

It's not on to blow hot and cold like that. Bloody well done on (calmly) putting him in his place.

'I can't help feeling it's just me he doesn't want a relationship with.'

Well, what Zucker said: you are a good judge of character after all, 'cos you haven't fallen for him in the end. Your big long post was very heartfelt and I just want to hold out a hand, buy you a drink and tell you you'll get over it. You know what I think? He was a poodle-faker. Old-fashioned term for a guy who pretends to be sympathetic in order to ingratiate himself with women. I think he realised he wasn't going to be able to pull the wool over your eyes, and that spoiled it for him. His little fantasy had to have you as a passive character, and you weren't, so he moved on. You've dodged a bullet OP. And you sound like you'd be a fab gf so go get your award with handsome guy!

Thanks Shakey. That was exactly it.

If he were sitting here and he knew why I was annoyed over him saying that I am sure he'd say..."no, I just meant for me it feels to close, like getting emtotionally attached" and he'd bull shit his way out of it, but honestly...my stomach lurched when he said that to me! It was exactly like him saying tht I like him more than he likes me.

Thanks Oneeye. It was at least me who dumped him though. One small win.

It's weird, what is this "leading you on" nonsense. He was of course doing just that.

Maybe I'm at odds with the modern world but having a date and a good time is not leading someone on. For me it's just a date. I could have a drink and a giggle with my neighbour. There is, for me no intimacy or emotion in that. But being involved with someone physically...and saying you don't want to lead them on is batshit weird.

If men didn't seek any emotional bond through sex (there is anecdotal and research evidence to suggest they dont) why do men in relationships complain they feel unloved when their partner doesn't want sex? And why is it that women feel a deeper emotional bond through sex (again enough anecdotal evidence and research) but men believe women will become more invested if they go on dates?

It's a man made world. It's full of illusion. Perhaps men seek love, validation and affection through sex and women do too. But despite the lies we tell ourselves no one actually builds a bond through going on dates. These men just can't be bothered when there is nothing in it for them. They know going on a date is not a commitment just as we do. They want the bond and want the sex, the get out is the lie "for men it's just sex" women therefore must evolve to a same point. Have sex without content.

This just leaves everyone in denial. We are creating a narrative that sex is little more than a handshake and having dinner is a lifelong commitment. It's all arse about face!

That's had me sitting there clapping my hands. So well said. Would love to give you five minutes in the room alone with the idiot, Marxist!

Feeling a lot better this morning. So true that it's ludicrous to say that sex all night, holding each other to sleep, kissing, cuddles on the carpet, cooking dinner together with his arms round my waist is not intimate but going out to lunch is. What a jackass. No wonder I felt so offended and I am glad I told him to take a hike.

That's so true Marxist. Rarely seen it so succintly put. The whole man-centred, sex-centred, porn-fuelled shebang, I hate it. OP, so pleased you're feeling better. Here's to your next relationship, with a guy who knows his emotional arse from his sexual elbow. Sex without 'strings' when you both know exactly what you're getting into (and what you're not) is one thing, but I absolutely reject the 'for men it's just sex' narrative. Speak for yourselves, I say to that.