I think I've stopped loving my husband

[ARV1981]

Just that really.

We have an 8-week old son. I'm at home all day looking after him. I'm exhausted and bored. He's a Velcro baby. I can't do anything but cuddle him - I have a sling, but it hurts my back so can't use it for long. If I put the baby down he screams. Then it takes me ages to settle him again. It's getting me down, probably not pnd but close?

My husband tries, I know he tries, but it's a case of too little too late. He's been on some drugs for a neck problem (his neck keeps seizing up), which make him very drowsy. Therefore, he can't sleep with me and the baby (if I put the baby in his Moses market he's even more clingy the next day - it's easier to co-sleep.) He's been trying to help more, but even simple stuff like putting ds's clothes away is frustrating for me... he just shoves them in the drawer without putting them in the right place, so I can't find what I'm looking for. I'm actually going to spend this morning going through the drawers as I don't know what's there, and what's not!

It's almost as though he wants to make my life more difficult so I stop asking for help. I think I'm being uncharitable here, but it's the same when he hangs laundry on the fairer - doesn't straighten sleeves for example so things don't dry properly... I know this all sounds so petty, but when you have a screaming baby you need to get back to, jobs need to be done right the first time otherwise it all just takes longer and the baby gets more upset.

To compound things, yesterday our washing machine broke. It was the switch it's wired in to - I could see it arcing. I have an irrational fear of getting an electric shock, so just turned everything off but was too scared to touch the switch which was still flashing. I called my husband to tell him and ask him to call the letting agent (I could have done this myself, but experience tells me that it takes a call from him to galvanize them into action!) He called them and apparently someone "will call me soon". While on the call, I heard the switch go, and it has black soot round it now...

In the meantime, the baby has pissed on or puked on most of his clothes! I asked my husband if he had any change so I could go to the laundrette (he didn't have any), he suggested I wait until the weekend and take it to his mother's or call my sil and ask her, or ask my mum (30 miles away). I can't wait until the weekend - the baby will run out of clean clothes. sil has only just got a new washing machine after hers broke so has catching up to do herself and returns to work next week after a year's mat leave so even if she says yes, it'll put her out considerably! And my mum lives 30 miles away... it just seemed like going to the laundrette was the easiest thing to do. I know this is petty, but the crux of it is that he won't listen to me, he thinks I haven't thought about alternatives and that I just don't think.

I know this isn't a reason to stop loving someone. It's just that I feel like there's nothing left. I want to love him, but even though he tries, it doesn't feel right anymore. I feel like I'm just kidding myself that he'll be more helpful with the baby, that he just has to get used to the fact we have to be tidier and cleaner round the house...

I can't remember the last time we had sex - he didn't want to touch me when I was pregnant, and an episostomy has meant I'm a bit scared of dtd. He doesn't seem fussed anyway!

He also goes out most weekends. Last weekend he wanted to go round his friend's house to drink beer and smoke weed... I said "no" so the friend ended up coming to our house (they smoked weed in the shed) and I ended up cooking dinner for them and doing everything for the baby anyway, because I didn't want them breathing their smoky old breath all over him.

I think I should just cut my losses and run now...but if it's baby blues then I should stick it out, right?

I didn't read whole post as I'm rushing out but didn't want to read and run. You sound just like me 7 weeks ago (my baby is now 15 weeks). My dh was useless and I hated him because I was exhausted and felt I was doing everything myself. All the little niggly things you describe were annoying me too (like folding washing that's still inside out!) and I would explode at him because I felt so frustrated.

I don't have psychic ability to know if you do love your dh or not

BUT

It gets easier!!!! The best thing I did was to sit down with mine, explain how I felt and how he could help - even by watching baby for half an hour so I could sleep.

You are in the period when it's all so overwhelming still and you can't remember why you ever liked your dh, because you're so tired and fed up and they aren't being helpful. I also haven't got family nearby and so it's just me if mine doesn't help.

Talk to him and also see if there's any baby groups you could go to to get out of the house and meet other mums so that you know you're not the only one feeling like this.

It does get better

Definitely nip the going out or coming to yours for drinks in the bud though - that's not on!

We all have different opinions on the use of recreational drugs but for me the getting stoned in the shed would be a deal breaker.

Oh and yes - the weed has to go. He's a father now and has responsibilities.

Hang in there ARV1981.
Sounds more that you are exhausted so there is nothing left. And it is pretty normal with an 8 week old son. I agree with Lalalaaa. Do try to find a baby group so you can find support from people going through the same, and it shall pass as soon as you start recovering from exhaustion.
Do take advantage if your husband offer helps and turn a blind eye if he does not do it the way you like it. You will feel so much better in a couple of weeks.

I was going to say don't make any rash decisions whilst you're in the midst of all this overwhelm until I read the part about him wanting to go out to smoke weed and then getting round your refusal by inviting his mate over...now I'm with Penfold

Your DH sounds like an inconsiderate arse who expects his life to be impacted minimally (if at all) by a new baby.

Just read through your post and it sounds like you may indeed be suffering with baby blues. Fear not, it will pass but you may need some help.

If your husband won't phone the letting agent, phone them yourself and get it out of the way. Explain to them that you've got a new baby and you need the washing machine fixed ASAP.

Don't make any rash decisions about your relationship, what you have described sounds perfectly normal to me. That said, it does sound as if your DH could be a bit more supportive, have you told him how you are feeling?

Is there anyone in RL you can talk to such as your midwife or a family member?

Hang on in there things will get better, it just takes time.

desperate2 if the OP turns a blind eye to the way he does the jobs then she will have to do them over again (with velcro baby). If she has to do them again anyway then she may as well do it herself. So he doesn't have to do it - mission accomplished. And the OP doesn't get help, gets more worn down, so it's harder to try and get him to do other things, so she may as well do them herself...

Can you use an extension lead to the washing machine?

Your husband needs to step up, you are struggling and exhausted. Can he take the baby for an hour while you sleep? You shouldn't be cooking him and his mate dinner!

Have you a large male friend or relative? He sounds as if he needs a fucking good hiding bit of a heads-up. I'd be quite worried about mixing weed and alcohol with prescription drugs, which I presume are valium and/or tramadol.

Have you a large male friend or relative?

Grrr

I feel for you! DD is 6 months old and I've been through this, it does get better

Is there another man you can ask for help? Dad? Brother? This is sneaky, but I have on a very rare and desperate occasion resorted to asking my brother to do something DH should have done (I'm perfectly capable but can't do everything with a young baby).

Sometimes after hinting and asking outright there's nothing like seeing someone else doing "his job" to make him step up a gear!!

I still hang up the clothes myself though. OMG why don't they notice the arms?!?

Sorry. Remove "male" and replace with "aggressive".

Unfortunately I don't have a large male relative!

He doesn't get stoned all the time, but I did ask him not to while ds is little. I used to smoke a fair bit myself, so feel a bit hypocritical asking him to stop.

However, I do feel that now we have a child that

A) we should leave that part of our lives behind now we're parents
B) I managed to stop smoking weed and cigarettes while pregnant, so if I can do it so can he! (I stopped before I even found out because smoking made me feel sick... in fact that's what prompted me to take a test)

So, yes I'd really love it if he stopped smoking weed for good. Or waited until ds is old enough to have a night with a granny (both are itching for this moment... we wouldn't be imposing) and do it then so ds isn't affected in any way.

I also worry about his ability to look after the baby while stoned, and would be frightened to leave them alone under those circumstances.

I have been turning a blind eye to the issues with the laundry, but it's starting to impact on me as I'm doing jobs twice or not asking for help. I don't really think this was my husband's intention, but it is the outcome.

I feel like I might as well be alone with the baby...

Have you a large male friend or relative? He sounds as if he needs a fucking good hiding bit of a heads-up.

Your dh is doing what thousands of men do when a baby arrives, ie try to carry on as if nothing has changed. I remember my brother, a truly brainy man in other ways, calmly telling me his imminent DD was 'just going to slot into our normal routine'. Laughed like a drain. But seriously, he's gotta wake up. And, as you've said, ditch the weed, you CANNOT look after a baby while stoned. The sooner you make him realise he's got to share ALL of it except BF (and of course there are lots of ways for dads to do feeding) the better, and it's plain unfair that on top of actually giving birth, it's women who have to point this out to men, at a time when they're feeling completely done in & could do without this shit. Don't let him become just an Assistant Parent, it causes more problems later. He's had 9 months to think about all this, after all. Of course he doesn't know what to do, that's not the point. The point is, he should be COMMITTED, he should be on the learning curve right next to you. And it's not as if it's all horrible. Babies are lovely as well as noisy and messy. If he doesn't join in all the looking after, the baby wont get a chance to haul him in and make him adore him. They have to fall in love. Dont bail yet, it does get easier as you climb the curve, and everything is a phase, with a beginning, middle and end.

Thank you, I will keep trying to make this work... I just wish I didn't feel alone for half the time.

Electrician is coming tomorrow to fix the plug, so washing machine will be up and running tomorrow. Also my mum came and took two loads of washing, which she's doing for me to pick up tomorrow morning... seems better knowing that the laundry will get Done!

Husband is upstairs changing a nappy, so hopefully he's going to get more involved now.

You need to tell him what he is doing wrong and how to do it right - he is unlikely to be deliberately getting it wrong, more likely thoughtlessly.

Carol, I've told him. I've shown him. It just goes in one ear and out the other! Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall.

He had a go at me because I didn't make him food last night, but he was home late and I was settling the baby. I ate mine cold because the baby wanted feeding when it was hot (this happens a lot... no matter when I eat, the baby decides he's hungry too!!!)

I did, however have a lovely day at my mum's house. We went for a lovely walk and took the baby to dad's grave and was able to "introduce" them. The last time I was at dad's grave I was heavily pregnant!!!

Just wanted to say I used to smoke a bit of weed (still do sometimes when no child about) and my dc's dad smoked a hell of a lot, but even he gave up for about 2 years after the baby was born (we're not together now so not my problem any more )

He had a go at me because I didn't make him food last night

Just remind me how many children you're looking after ARV! Good grief - he's a grown man, he can sort out his own food ffs!

Why don't you write down your concerns - like you did for us - and let him read them (just a thought)?

Seriously though, as others have said. at 8 weeks you are still in a post-birth fug and I wouldn't make any long-term decisions or draw any real conclusions from how you feel at the moment.

BUT HE STILL NEEDS TO KNOCK THE WEED ON THE HEAD FOR A BIT AND REALISE THAT HIS LIFE CANNOT BE THE SAME AS IT WAS! (Sorry for shouting - hope I didn't wake baby up).

Lol, baby's asleep right now! Phew!

He doesn't smoke that much weed. It's just I'd prefer it if he didn't smoke any, especially at home (albeit in the shed). A close friend who I grew up with had proper "hippy" parents. Her brother was smoking weed when still a child. I remember knowing it wasn't cigarettes he was smoking, and it's only in retrospect that I remember the smell. I am pretty sure his parents allowed it because they were too stoned (and drunk) to notice what the poor lad was doing. There is no way on Earth I am allowing my son to grow up normalizing illegal drug taking like that. Yes, I've done it myself, but as an adult after making an informed decision... (though I accept that it isn't really wise under any circumstances).

The laundry issue is just that I've asked him to do it my way and he doesn't so I end up having to sort it out after he's done it.... all the while, he thinks he's superdad for helping! When in fact, he may as well not bother!

Do I just accept that there are certain jobs just for me to do if I want them done well, or do I try to get him to help? I am losing the will a little!

Another example of his laziness... a few years ago I put my back out. I mean unable to walk bad back not slight twinge. I physically could not clean the loo. I was also depressed after losing my dad so wasn't really up to arguing for jobs to be done. So the loo just didn't get cleaned for weeks. In the end my mum did it. DH got cross when I said to his mum that he thought we had a "self-cleaning" loo. Apparently I was putting him in a bad light. But he didn't clean the loo, so I can only assume he thought it did itself!

Ah well, the weekend. Hopefully he can hold the baby for me while I do some jobs!

And good news is the electrician fixed the washing machine switch so I have a load on now! Yay! Clean clothes!