friendship issues, am I being ridiculous?

[sherridan]

Hi

I would be eternally grateful if you ladies could help me get my head around an issue that's been preying on my mind.

I have several friends who I've met over the years in different circumstances and who have got to know each other at things I've organised. I have noticed recently when we meet as a group they all know lots about each other's recent goings on that I don't so they obviously chat and see each other often but don't see me as much. We're all busy people so I accept it when people are busy but apparently it's only me they are too busy to meet. I feel like I became the least important friend once they didn't need me to facilitate meet-ups.

Particular things that have reinforced this feeling have been: being the last to hear about an event once plans are made, meaning I had to fit in with others' needs or not go; arriving at a night out to find that everyone else had been in touch about meeting times and transport but no-one had contacted me in the same way although the event was partly for my birthday; I asked to see a friend when we were both off work and she suggested I see her by tagging along to a significant event that I jointly organized with my oldest friends - she assumed I wasn't even invited much less a big part of it; people responding to each other's invitations more warmly than to mine even for the same event.

I probably sound like a jealous child and I do feel like one! I promise I'm an adult and I want everyone to get along but it stings when people who I've know for years and gladly supported when they've needed it seem to think so little of me. I don't want or expect to be more important than others but I don't want to be less important either. I've always included all of them in everything I've had a hand in organizing, that's the only reason they know each other.

So I guess my questions are:

1. Am I overreacting?
2. If not does it mean I'm seen as a useless friend if people so clearly prefer others and either don't care that I'm upset about their behaviour or it doesn't cross their mind?
3. Shouldn't I just be delighted for them that they've found such great friends in each other and happily take a step back?
4. Am I a complete shit for not just doing 3 above?

Many thanks if you can help me unravel this before they all decide I'm too much like hard work!

S

In the gentlest way possible, yes, I think you are being a bit sensitive. People naturally form stronger bonds with some people over others.

I have had this happen to me so I do understand how you are feeling but eventually I learned that certain people in my circle of friends had more in common with each other than with me and because of that they became quite close.

Whatever you decide to do I hope you find a happy medium that allows you to feel a little less excluded.

Thank you for your kind words I'll try to take your advice
S

I think I would feel the same tbh

I think if you are feeling this way, after being in this friendship group for a long time, then your instincts are right I am sorry to say. I don't think you are being sensitive at all and you sound kind and considerate.

My youngest dd had a friendship group from college who have grown into a cliquey and bitchy group. There is always one who is the "outcast" and everyone has to apologise to the queen bee for their failings and transgressions. After a rough patch, she found out who her friends were and two of the group have been kind and supportive.You can outgrow friendship groups and it came to a head for dd when she had a house party and went upstairs to hear one of them ripping her apart to another "friend".

It was time to move on and she spends her time with people who make her feel good,her partner, kind work colleagues, her family and nephews. Don't try so hard any more there are nicer people out there.