How do I make friends? It goes wrong everytime.

[thehouseofgoodintentions]

How do I make friends, for me and my 2 DD's?
I'm a bit eccentric, scatty, and... friendly.
I am honest, hospitable, and like to help make people feel good about themselves.
How do I find similar people?
I get pretty heartbroken when friendships breakdown, OTT probably but I am a delicate soul.
(Please be gentle with me.)

You sound lovely, what has gone wrong before? Are you new to your area?

Right I'm like you, not so much the scatty but eccentric (a bit and friendly).

The best advice I can give you is be yourself.

Start off by inviting people round or out for coffee or for something to do.

Friendship groups like Meetup are great as they're in the same boat as you and you can tailor to areas etc.

Be honest but not too honest not at first anyway, make them feel good about themselves but do it gradually or people will or could feel like you're taking over.

I'm guessing in the past you have been so desperate to make friends that you are a bit full on in all the ways you state in your OP and new friends need to get time to know you, trust you etc. so take it slowly. And if Claire from one Meetup group or nursery etc does not want to take things further then Sophie from Stitch and Bitch may be happy to browse markets with you. Good luck!

Oh also, sometimes friendships DO break down - a friend of mine was telling me about falling out with our mutual friend the other day and I thought.... At least I've avoided that lately!

I was brought up very isolated and now I am 30 and starting from scratch. :/
My first two friends I tried to buy; lots of random presents, loaning money, babysitting all the time....
The next lot I have gone the opposite because I was trying to learn from my previous mistakes.
I thought I had made a lovely group of friends but they have recently said I am in effect stealing money by forgetting on purpose to give them back their change when I grab them something from the shop, but when they owe me £5 I remind them because of my previous hurt. I'm just forgetful though. Its all very complicated. It's a long story really....

P.S. I would LOVE a Stitch & Bitch group! I like sewing....

I'm confused by your post at 00:07:30,

but

generally, the last thing you want to do is try to 'go out and make friends'. IME, friends come from doing things you enjoy doing, or through having a mutual time you spend together (at work, or commuting, or walking up to school together, or at a hobby or shared interest, or volunteering together, etc), and, as you get to know people better, you realise you enjoy the company of someone, and take it from there - maybe agree to both go and see something together, as a shared interest.

It would be very offputting to have someone 'setting out to make you their friend'.

Sorry BackforGood, its late and I am stressed to high heaven, so struggling to articulate!

• Brought up a JW, left, suddenly no 'friends'.

• Friend #1 & #2, 'bought them' --- failed

• Friend #3, #4, #5, did the polar opposite, they think I'm anal about money --- failed

How did friendships with other jw people go?

Fake and temporary @howtorebuild, they thought I was too naughty!

Hmm well. If you've been a cult and imo JW is a cult you're going to need some exit counseling.

How did you get out btw? It's notoriously hard to get out of JW.

You sound scattered - not surprising. That may be your character - scatty, creative (?) - but it may also be your formative experience in a cult has left a trace.

I wouldn't worry about making friends. You're learning, you've gone from one extreme to the other - understandably - and next time you'll tinker with it a bit more and learn a bit more, then you'll learn more on top of that and you'll learn to get skilled at friendships. Unfortunately, we learn the most when things go wrong (argh) but take heart, you'll get through it.

The important thing is to aim for what is closest to you, your true character, and try not to act/reacte out of fear. Easy to say but at least be aware when you may be acting/reacting out of fear - because that's when we get furthest from our true selves imo.

@springydaffs (how do I tag on here?)

You are spot on! I have 'drifted away' as opposed to 'outright left' due to the disowning rules. It has definitely left a scar.

As I am a rubbish liar I am generally just myself. I am taking on board all that I am learning, but I just get so upset.

Have you looked into Autism? It could be the cult as previously thought.

How old are your children? If pre-school and younger it's going to be hard for any other mum in same situation to devote time to cultivating friendships.

I have moved around a bit and have had to start from scratch 'making friends'. But mostly these are just others trying to get through the day and have a bit of a chat over a tea and biscuit at some local kids activity. They are not friendships as such. At some point one or two may develop further but I never expect it.

You have to get a thick skin, learn that modern life means less time for making friends unlike school/university. Volunteering is a good way to meet people, I do it because you meet others willing to sacrifice precious free time to help others. These are the people I want to get to know in life anyway.

You will never break into an established friendship group, you don't have their shared history. Don't be put out by that, it can feel like a snub but I don't find it offensive, these people may rarely have chance to meet up and when they do they focus on their group.

Be confident in yourself, do things and activities you want to do and don't expect anything. Keep it relaxed and maybe if don't feel up to making the first move, let the other person do it.

Also I tend to look like shit 99% of the time, and I think sometimes I'm guilty of assuming anyone with an alternative lifestyle is super sorted and not in need of my acquaintance.

OP look on FaceBook for your local Stitch and Bitch Group.

Yes the JW may be a factor in your past but it doesn't have to be in your future.

Don't do anything with money re friends if you "forget" just say no if anyone asks, even say "I'm not great about remembering to return money ie change so if you wouldn't mind not asking me thanks".

I've said it before but Meetup Groups really are a good way to meet as they want you to join their group!

I agree with captain to a certain degree re kids friendships with mums, often yes it's mostly to have tea, get through the day etc but sometimes these can develop especially if your kids get on.