mothers and daughters

[Daughterinneed]

I've name changed for this as this is way too personal and too close to my emotional horizons of pain to even lintel my regular profile.

I'm 30. I've given birth three weeks ago, it was textbook and my baby is lovely.

I'm the adult daughter of a mother who, for reasons I don't so to go into, hasn't ever been my mother figure. There has been all sorts of crap involved. We have a working rapport now.

I noticed my hankering for a mother figure at 3. At 8, 10, 13, 16, 19, 21, 26 - you get the gist. Strong yearning. Over these three decades perhaps that's why I've developed some wonderful nurturing relationships with a few women in that age group. Some had originally been teachers/mentors and much much later over the years of staying in touch became friends and mentors.

Even so, I feel very Unparented. Im a remarkably in charge person. I'm the picture of perfection in many areas. Nobody would guess this pain.

Am I alone in feeling this way? Feeling that "mother" is missing? Mentors come close in some ways at some times. Obviously I wouldn't say that to anyone and make them feel awkward. But just that sometimes I wish to be taken under mum's wing. A mum who inspires, protects, befriends, listens, encourages and cheers. You know? When "mother" means something.

I do wince when I see the many lovely mother daughter pairs I know. Inwardly. Am I pathetic for feeling this way? I am, after all, 39 years old, a new mother myself, and do things in my professional career which people apparently find impressive. This is the inner stuff. Am I pathetic for feeling this way?

Not 39. I am 30 years old. 39 was a typo.

You're not pathetic. I think it's perfectly natural to yearn for your mum or a mother figure.

Just pour all the love you can into your little girl so she never has to feel the same way.

Thanks. I've got a baby boy :)

I'm 7 years down the line, now accessing therapy, you haven't a rapport, you've learnt to appease her

I know what you mean. I've no useful advice to be honest. I'm posting so I can see others'.

Congratulations on your DS.

Not quite.. She now appeases me, I tell her off very loudly, frequently and she usually whimpers while I surprise myself at the rebuke I often direct towards her. She is at the receiving end of many "that's how you hurt me" phone calls.

I'm in the same position, in fact I cut contact with both my parents this year after DD was born.
One of the best decisions I've ever made (various types of abuse went on for years) however it's brought up a hell of a lot of emotional turmoil. I realised that almost every motherly figure that has been in my life I have desperately clung to, right up to my 20s, and I probably came across as a very sad, emotionally neglected child and teenager.

I think you almost have to grieve for it... I've spent a few evenings on the sofa just having a good cry and feeling like a child who just wants their mum for a cuddle. You need to face it head on and then you can accept it. I think being a mum yourself makes you realise things in your life that are missing that you want to give to your own child.

But take it as a positive- because you know how hard it is you can make sure that your baby never feels the same way you did. That's how I try to look at it when times are hard.

Good for you, don't ever feel bad for that cos you're the mum now. That is the biggest step you could have ever taken even if you don't see it.

Congratulations on your baby! I feel very much the same, the yearning for a mother came on even stronger after I had my own child.
I have no advice but I empathise.

No you are not pathetic. I don't have a mum because she died. We were really close. And now she's gone and I have a baby I miss her all the time. Miss someone I can talk to about my daughter. Miss sharing my daughter with her. I see friends with their mums and feel so sad (and jealous).

My situation is different from yours but I know what it's like to feel the need for a mother figure. I've looked for it in my one remaining relation on my mum's side - she is wonderful and supportive but still- she isn't my mum and has her own children.

What about your dad? Mine is good fun and we are close but he's not a parent. And what about your mil? Would she be able to offer you some support?

Sorry I don't really have any advice but one thing I try to remember is that my mum's mum also died when she was young and she was a mother without a mother and although i realize now that this must have been hard for her; it didn't stop her being an amazing mum.

Thank you for your wonderful soothing words :)