Is this friend not a very good friend or is my perspective just off

[watchwell]

I suffer from depression and low self esteem, triggered particularly when i get stressed at work. I have counselling and treatment and most people don't know as i keep things under control. About 12 months ago i was having a particularly tough time and someone who I thought was one of my closest friends, and who I trusted, kept badgering me about what was wrong so i told him about my MH problems. It was hard for me but i thought we were close enough that he would understand. Prior to this i had supported him with job applications and work problems and thought we had mutual trust

However, it turns out that despite me having told him something intensely personal for me, it didn't actually cut both ways. About a week after i told him, he lied to me about taking a day off work when he had to go to a hospital appointment (for something minor and not at all embarrassing). At the time it didn't bother me. However, since then he has lied to me about applying for jobs and having job interviews and similar. I feel stupid and wish i hadn't told him. Am I wrong to think that if someone trusts you with a personal issue (particularly after you've gone on and on at them to tell you) then there should be some equal trust back? The other thing that annoys me is that I would never disclose information given to me, yet he can be a bit of a blabber mouth and i imagine might tell others about my MH issues, making me feel rather vulnerable.

IMo you trusted him not to tell anyone else, sharing doesn't have to be reciprocated. If he's not told anyone, he's not broken your trust.

Yeah, like whoosh I thought you were going to say that he used your revelation against you. He hasn't. He has kept your confidence, which is good.

He wants to keep his own life private, though. That's his choice. Maybe vulnerability is just not for him. I can sort of see why you would want to feel that he can be as open to you as you were to him, but, people are people, they're all different, and they rarely do as we think they ought.

If he continues to be a good friend who will listen to you and support you when you are down, then I would say he's still a good 'un.

Actually he doesn't support me when I'm down. Since I told him he has never mentioned it, which is fair enough my MH issues are not his problem. And I'm not sure if he has told anyone else.

OK. There's clearly something that is making you feel uneasy here. Trust your gut, in that case.

He shouldn't have kept badgering you for information, he should have been sensitive enough to know when you didn't want to talk about it.

I wouldn't trust him sounds gossipy and shallow and selfish . Which means he's not thought to tell anyone else as he's not found your problems that interesting.People are very often too interested in themselves to think twice about someone else's life he sounds like one of those . If you have trust issues maybe use this to explore this.

Sounds like it is a massive thing for you...you expect your relationship to change. Sounds like it is not a big deal for him. According to Mind 1 in 4 people in the UK will experience a mental health problem each year.

Mum: i get your point but if you've been asking someone for 5 weeks to tell you about something which is clearly upsetting them, then shouldn't you be able to work out that it's a big deal for them?

Maybe he feels like he doesn't want to worry you while you are feeling low? Eg worrying about his health, or about him leaving work?

Maybe he doesn't know how to behave for the best as he hasn't experienced a friend with depression before, it can make some people a little uncomfortable as they don't understand it.

Maybe he's a knob.

It's tricky to be certain.

If he's been a close friend for a while then perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt one more time, even gently mentioning the things you've listed to test the water I.e. You know about the hospital appointment, why did he feel he couldn't mention it? I assume he told another colleague who has blabbed and that's how you found out?

I hope it works out and more importantly, that you are on the road to recovery.

Thanks Lambshank. I asked him about the hospital appointment at the time and he said he diidn't tell me because he didn't think i'd find out: i should have been away at a training event but it was cancelled, so wouldn't have known he'd not been at work. Coincidentally, after i found out my training event was off, i'd asked to borrow something which he needed to bring me from home. Instead of saying he couldn't because he was off, i got an elaborate story about why he couldn't bring me the thing until a different day. As a one off this wouldn't have bothered me, everyone does strange things sometime. In fact it only bothers me now because i've just realised there's a bit of a pattern of him not telling me stuff.

Re the job interviews, he's had quite a lot of rejections so I can understand him not wanting to tell people, but it still hurts that he pushed for honesty from me yet it doesn't seem to work both ways.