Manipulative SIL

[Twobadmice]

I have NC for this.

Just after a bit of advice about dealing with a manipulative SIL.

DB has mild learning difficulties which makes him easily led, but this doesn't affect him in any other aspect of his life now, although he struggles in a learning environment. He is very attractive and successful.

He has been with SIL for 10 years now, during that time, she has slowly cut his friends out of the picture, myself and DH and is now working on my DM who is distraught over it all.

SIL has made up numerous lies about things that we have supposedly said or done. I have called her out on one or two of these and she has admitted that she has made things up but will not admit any wrong doing to DB who has actually said that she "cannot lie" (Jim Carey - Liar Liar )

SIL also refuses to pay any money towards living expenses or contribute to any household tasks as she believes her money and her time off work should be spent on her. DB has employed a cleaner. He throws money at her left right and centre.

At family gatherings SIL constantly emasculates DB in front of him and everyone else by discussing his performance in the bedroom and laughing about the fact she was sleeping with someone else at the start of the relationship.

I did speak to DB about all this and he broke down saying that he is unhappy and that he dreads going home after work, since then SIL made up things to stop DB from speaking to me.

Any suggestions as to where to go with this one? It breaks my heart being NC with my DB and my DM is in bits over it all.

It's hard to stand back and watch but I don't think you can do much other than be there as and when he decides to do something about it.

Does he want to leave? If so, you could advise him on the practicalities and support him though what would be a very difficult time.

Do they have DC's?

She is currently pregnant with their first DC. I know that the baby is very much wanted by my brother, SIL has admitted that she doesn't really want children but does want someone to look after her in her old age and that she is too selfish. She does have a habit of talking for the sake of talking to I take a lot of what she says with a pinch of salt.

DB obviously wants to stay for the baby but the last time we spoke about things (pre pregnancy) he said he isn't happy and would like to leave but was scared of being on his own especially since he doesn't have any friends around.

I totally know I am going to have to sit on the sidelines and watch this play out but it hurts me seeing my DM so upset by it all.

I think having the baby will be the making or breaking of them and to be honest, I do hope it makes them, not just as a couple but as individuals.

Could social services help here, OP, since your DB has learning difficulties and you feel he is being taken advantage of and intimidated?

Personally, it wouldn't sit right for me to contact social services about this.

My DB would never forgive me if he found out it was me who called them.

The short answer to this is "no" unless he is classed as a vulnerable adult and even then, what could they do?

OP - all you can do is keep the lines of communication open as best you can and be clear that you will always be there for him and that he has options.

Does he have a social worker, OP? Or are his support needs not that high? If he does have a SW then they could raise a safeguarding issue.

DB obviously wants to stay for the baby but the last time we spoke about things (pre pregnancy) he said he isn't happy and would like to leave but was scared of being on his own especially since he doesn't have any friends around.

That sounds like he wants to leave, and in this situation I would not be able to just sit back and wait for him to wake up and value himself (it may never happen! Then he'd be struck with this abusive bully for life.)

I would go down the route of reassuring him about his family wanting him to be happy and there to support him, and how once he was free from his abuser, he would be able to pick up his old friendships again.

There's also nothing to stop him being an effective and loving parent, but separated from the mum.

pocket his support needs aren't that high.

I see his friends quite often who still try to make an effort to see him and would be there in an instant if he needed them.

It worries me that he will stay with SIL in spite of his unhappiness due to the effect that our parents splitting up had on him.

I know he works away quite a bit so will see if I can find out when he's away then call him for a chat. He won't open up when SIL is about.

Update: Tried to talk with DB, it was like talking to a completely different person, it's like she has brainwashed him. She has now some how managed to convince him that our DF physically abused him as a child which is totally untrue. I'm heartbroken. It would break my father to know this. I'm struggling to get my head around how someone can be so cruel?

She is working on cutting us all out one by one. DM is next and feels like she is walking on eggshells as she knows as soon as she puts a foot wrong that that's it.

I'm losing sleep, unable to eat and I'm making myself ill over this. Do I just accept this is how things are and wait for him to see what she is doing? What if that never happens?

Be very upfront with him. Tell him your fears that she's cutting him off. Reassure him that you are always there for him no matter what. Tell him that his friends would love to see him, regardless of when he last contacted them.

You can't force him to leave, you can only make sure he knows your door is open.