Family are driving me insane

[BabyTheCaveLion]

I don't know what to do for the best - PIL adore our DC, want to be involved in all our lives but live 150 miles away. They need to be 'needed', expect very frequent phone calls/updates, if they feel neglected they ring us in floods of tears, hysterical sobbing etc.

DH is a man of few words, hates talking on the phone, doesn't like his mother knowing what he's up to all the time as she has form for interfering/getting upset.

Between the two of them this equals a never ending cycle of emotional upset. He gets angry with them......they feel even more unwanted......

I am very much like my DH in that I hate idle chit chat, talking on the phone etc. But I am thoroughly fed up that every event in our family is ruined by the whole PIL emotional blackmail/DH not doing anything to sort it out. Should I step up and take on a go-between role even though I will hate every second? DH doesn't want me to but I don't know what else to do! To make matters worse my own (very laid back) DM is now getting upset because she's not getting much of a look in at family events due to PIL's tears and foot stamping.

It's fucking ridiculous, what would you guys do? I've name changed by the way, pretty sure she keeps track of me online :(

she keeps track of you online?? what your MIL??????

this situation sounds bonkers. fgs do NOT be a go between.

dh needs to sort it out. i would let it go its own way tbh. you might look into learning coping techniques for reducing drama. have you read Toxic Inlaws? I think it might really help both you and dh modify your behaviour to reduce the drama...

I don't understand what is going on here? Your DH wants minimal contact with PILS. You aren't keen on them either. How are they contacting you all the time?

Just let DH deal with it - it's his family and his responsibility. I had all this with ex PILS and I never even listened to their phone messages. I had caller display and never answered if they called, and if I heard their voice on answerphone I just stopped the call and told XH there was a message for him from them.

I saw them as often as I could manage without going insane and was always pleasant and chatty, but I had my boundaries and insisted XH dealt with them.

You are being emotionally blackmailed. Time to establish some tough boundaries I think. Good luck!

It is totally bonkers.

I find it really hard to be impolite to people (even if they're bonkers) - but I know I need to grow a backbone.

DH has obviously grown up with it and is just utterly fed up with his mum (she's the instigator). I feel bad for her because ultimately I think she's lonely and unfulfilled but each time I'm nice I get swept into more emotional shit.

My parents are 'normal' - I'm not equipped to deal with this!!!!!

feel bad for her because ultimately I think she's lonely and unfulfilled

i completely understand, but please know that you aren't helping her by being nice to her when she behaves like a drama queen. you're only telling her "yes, by all means, please be a drama queen, please, yes, go on, more drama, the more dramatic you are the more attention you'll get!" you know what i mean?

dh knows what is best here, meticulously follow his lead, i recommend getting counselling of some kind so that you can learn skills to cope with this kind of person. because it sounds like you feel at sea with all this correct?

Don't put yourself in the position of go-between! You'll regret it when it's still not good enough.

Your DH seems to have the right idea to not rise to her or give it attention.

By trying to smooth things over and give attention, she's being rewarded for her behaviour, just like a naughty toddler.

I would say your every event is not ruined by emotional blackmail and your DH doing nothing about it but by someone (you?) allowing yourself to be blackmailed. Ignore them. Let them have hissy fits. The more hissy they get, the less contact they get.

Your DH is right, there is no successful solution that involves appeasement.

So you don't like to be impolite? Harrumph. Your PIL clearly aren't bothered about being appallingly behaved towards you.

Stalking you online, really? You have to fix that pronto.

Install caller ID, if it's them let DH answer the phone (or not). His parents, his problem. If you do happen to answer the phone, you simply say "Hi MiL, let me get DH for you" and pass the phone over.

Whatever you do, do NOT put yourself in the role of go-between. You'll get shit from your DH for hassling him to talk to a mother he doesn't want to talk to and you'll get shit from your MiL for not making him talk to her. It's a lose/lose for you.