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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confusing relationship which has been going on for a year

24 replies

AspieUnicorn · 09/11/2015 21:06

On and off. I don't even know where to start but basically I was seeing a man (started a year ago). I had various issues with him about putting pressure on me and being too intense. Then suddenly he would start giving me the silent treatment and I had no idea why. A few weeks later he gets in contact again, saying how sorry he was etc and the whole cycle would start again. It happened so many times I told him not to contact me any more.

This time he has upped the ante, saying he can't stop thinking about me and he wants me back, he's changed etc. He says he has had a really hard year and it has made him inconsistent with me. He also says he feels suicidal if I won't see him. I don't really believe this but for some reason I just find it really hard to cut him off because I was so attracted to him in the beginning. And I spent think the sorts of things he says are normal. I don't understand why I can't stick to cutting him out of my life. And I don't understand his behaviour.

It's causing me to be very anxious and I have AS so it's hard enough for me to understand people's intentions in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
AspieUnicorn · 09/11/2015 21:07

Don't think*

OP posts:
squidzin · 09/11/2015 21:13

Argh. Major red flags here saying he has a manipulative controlling personality.

Just block him. He'll enjoy your torment going back to him.

CuntryLiving · 09/11/2015 21:13

The early bit of the relationship is supposed to be the easy bit! If it's this bad for the first year, it's never going to go well. And it sounds like he's got worse, not better, and now it's affecting you. I think you'd be mad to keep on like this really. I'd cut him out and leave yourself free to meet someone else. If he feels suicidal he needs to speak to his GP, he mustn't put that on you, that's emotional blackmail and is a very bad sign for any relationship. Don't let him guilt you into anything.

squidzin · 09/11/2015 21:14

Block. Ignore. Move on.

Original poster
AspieUnicorn · 09/11/2015 21:21

His friend told me the things he said about his life are true. But I know this will never end well. I'm just so frustrated how I block him for ages and then he finds a way around it.

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ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 10/11/2015 06:44

Just end it.

So what if it is true? Let's say he isn't an intentionally controlling and manipulative person and is just someone going through the sort of turmoil that means he isn't capable of being a good partner, does it really matter?

Being with him is hard work, he's not enhancing your life in any way, is he?

And he can only find a way around it because you let him. Just keep saying no.

FuckYouSiri · 10/11/2015 06:45

Do not get in a relationship with him again! Before you know it he will be threatening suicide if you want to leave him in the future. I knew someone like this who would threaten suicide if her partner went out with his friends. Save yourself now. This is not normal! Or healthy. And is not love.

Original poster
AspieUnicorn · 10/11/2015 17:26

Yes normal people don't say things like this.

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RiceCrispieTreats · 10/11/2015 17:38

His intention is to manipulate you. That's what threats of suicide are designed to achieve, for example: to make you feel that you have to give in and contact him in order to help a person who is feeling so low.

It is horribly manipulative and wrong. You are right to feel suspicious of it.

Don't give in, block, and ignore.

Strong attraction wears off over time if you no longer see the person.

category12 · 10/11/2015 17:39

The confusing push you/pull you is a manipulative technique that keeps you trying to figure him out, keeps him in your headspace. I don't know if it's deliberately thought out or just natural, but it doesn't matter, it's how it affects you that matters. The suicide threats are manipulating your compassion. He is very unlikely to follow through and besides, you do not owe him a relationship, it's not a solution to suicidal feelings - therapy is.

Going to lengths to get around your blocks isn't love, it's ignoring your boundaries and it's all about what he wants. If you love someone, you respect their boundaries even if that means they choose not to be with you or engage with you.

So, you have to ignore him. You have to be tough, tell him no more contact and possibly consider at least threatening to bring in the authorities if he won't cease contacting you after you block him again.

Original poster
AspieUnicorn · 10/11/2015 17:57

I really wish I had never met him. I've tried so hard to block him but the longest I can maintain no contact seems to be about 8 weeks.

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Original poster
AspieUnicorn · 10/11/2015 18:33

I'm just so frustrated with myself. I feel that this situation is making me feel unwell. I try so hard not to speak to him and it's going well and then I always end up at square 1. It feels as though I will never be able to escape from it.

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pocketsaviour · 10/11/2015 19:08

I've tried so hard to block him
Do you mean you don't have the necessary technical skills to block him? Or do you mean that you keep unblocking him?

ALaughAMinute · 10/11/2015 19:12

Why are you letting this guy make you miserable?

He sounds fucked up. Get rid!

Im0gen · 10/11/2015 19:17

If you have AS its especially important that you have a straighforward honest person in your life, someone who tells the truth about how they feel , doesn't manipulate you and doesn't play mind games .

This man is the opposite . The As is making you question your judgement about him but in fact you are right. He's bad news and He's not right for you. You deserve better .

What support do you need to get him out of you life ?

outputgap · 10/11/2015 19:30

He's unhinged. What my dad would call a headcase. You know that though.

Why do you think it's so hard for you to conclusively get rid of him? Why do you find yourself back at square 1?

I have a dd with suspected ASD. One of the things I quite admire about her peculiarities is how she can completely 'deadface' people who try to speak to her who she has no time for. Channel my 4 year old, OP!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/11/2015 20:19

If you are repeatedly behaving in damaging ways, even though you don't want to, all to the detriment of your mental health then maybe you need to have some therapy.

springydaffs · 10/11/2015 20:40

I can't quite agree RunRabbit.

Imo some people are HIGHLY seductive. He has reeled you in op, using some well-known tactics. He has got you hooked.

Would it help to know that what he has done is NOT because he fancies you or loves you? He has done what he's done bcs he hates women and enjoys hurting them, enjoys putting them through it, emotionally and psycholoigically torturing them. He enjoys it, he gets off on it, it gives him a hit.

Whether or not he is suicidal is neither here nor there as far as you're concerned. He's only using his 'distress' to emotionally blackmail you. I can say with absolute certainty he is up to no good.

You could do the Freedom Programme to give you a heads up about what an abusive relationship looks like. He is an abuser gold star.

Original poster
AspieUnicorn · 10/11/2015 21:13

I've already had counselling for 2 years (paid for by me). It was very beneficial but hadn't resolved my relationship problems. I think that because I have AS I fail to see the early signs of when someone has bad intentions. I'm not able to predict what someone's intentions are at all actually. Apparently he's never had a girlfriend.

One thing I forgot to say is that in the beginning his behaviour was fairly consistent and then I cut him off because he was pressuring me and getting me into these fast paced conversations which were confusing my brain. Then, later because I missed him I ended up seeing him again and it is since then that he has started adding silent treatments. Obviously he is still not normal really.

Sorry for rambling / drip feeding

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springydaffs · 10/11/2015 22:57

So you're going to do the Freedom Programme? Do it online if you like.

It's good to know this stuff. Everyone should know it imo - I'd like it if it was taught in schools. You can get basic checklists of what signs to look out for that denotes an abusive/controlling dynamic.

The good thing about the Freedom Programme is that, after studying a characteristic of abuse, the session ends with studying characteristics of healthy relationships. It's good to get that balance and it's good to get clear signposts.

Original poster
AspieUnicorn · 10/11/2015 23:12

Yes, I've been referred to the freedom programme by my social worker. I've been waiting for 6 months - it's taking ages.

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springydaffs · 10/11/2015 23:27

Eh?? You can get on it pretty much straight away where I live.

Have a look online, click 'find a course' and email the facilitator of your local group, who will get back to you. Takes maybe a week/10 days, maybe 2 weeks, and she'll tell you where the course meets (confidentiality is important, as you can imagine, so venues are not advertised). It's a12-week rolling programme and you can dip in/join at any point.

But I do live in a city. It's worth traveling for though.

springydaffs · 10/11/2015 23:28

And get back to your social worker on it. Sounds like it's dropped off the list...

Original poster
AspieUnicorn · 11/11/2015 02:19

It does seem strange but the social worker said she can still see me on the waiting list

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