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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

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27 replies

purpleflower199 · 09/11/2015 17:56

Hi to everyone, my first time here.
I'm hoping i can get some advice from you ladies about my 5 year relationship. A bit of background..
Despite being together 5 years we have never lived together. He has a young son who he used to have every Saturday when we first met, he now has him half week as well which is good because its good to see all our kids spend more time together ( i have 2 children from my marriage).
When his son slept over weekends he said he wanted to let his son sleep in his bed as he was at the time not used to staying at his dads. Now 5 years on he still sleeps with his dad (his son is 7) which means we get to sleep together just 2 nights of the week...
I have raised the subject and told him he really needs to get his son in his own bed (he has his own room, all done up ready for him) but he just says he will sort it out. But he doesn't.
Lately he has changed, he has become defensive with me, hes started picking fault saying stuff like my hair looks thin..! i eat too fast, really strange comments that really hurt. Iv put weight on and i know he hates the way i look lately but iv only gone up to a 14 which isn't exactly massive!
To top it all he refuses to have sex. He wont kiss me (apart from a peck on the mouth) he wont touch me. This has been happening over the last 3/4 months.
He can go days without touching and it just doesnt bother him. While its killing me inside.
He makes excuses not to have sex.
A typical week for us would be him staying at his house from mon to wed with his son then staying mine wed/thur night..watching movies in bed..NO SEX. Then going back to his fri till sun night with his son.
I wanted us to be a family but this is more like segregation.
When i start to think its over he will confuse me even more by being really nice and kind. Then he will go back to his usual ways of not caring.
The past few months have been unbearable. Im constantly wondering if hes having an affair, losing interest, wanting it to end etc.
I do still love him but i feel like im dying inside....

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 09/11/2015 17:59

Why exactly do you love him, though? Think about it. He avoids intimacy. He's not nice to you. He's critical of the way you look. I'd hate to be with someone like that!

You deserve much better, but you won't get it from him. Look at how he behaves and get rid.

Robotgirl · 09/11/2015 18:05

The past few months have been unbearable. Im constantly wondering if hes having an affair, losing interest, wanting it to end etc.
I do still love him but i feel like im dying inside....

This ^ ^
Really? Living the dream, I think not.

ALaughAMinute · 09/11/2015 18:08

You've been together 5 years and never lived together.
He doesn't want sex.
He insults you.

He's not good for you is he?

Tell him to pack his bags and move on!

molyholy · 09/11/2015 18:13

A loving partner would not make you feel like shit. He sounds cruel. Finish it while you still have some confidence left, before he erodes it all and you end up staying with him because he has tricked you into thinking nobody else would 'want' you.

Emmiy · 09/11/2015 18:17

Sorry OP but it sounds like he has another woman and that is the reason for his behaviour. He is getting it elsewhere and is looking for ways to finish with you.

TheMarxistMinx · 09/11/2015 19:19

I think you have a far bigger problem than dealing with him. If your hair is thinning and you are gaining weight you should see your GP

Looking after yourself should be your priority. Dealing with him shouldn't really tax you to much. He's a twat and really not worth the effort.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 09/11/2015 19:34

I can relate to the first part of your post. I'm in a similar position with dp regarding living/sleeping arrangements!

However, dp makes every effort when he's here to engage and to be loving. If he were like your dp I'd be saying goodbye. I don't understand how you can continue to love someone who treats you so badly.

I can understand missing someone or wishing things were different, but honestly you need to take at look at why you're still with someone who treats you this way. I'd have chucked him out he moment he insulted me and, while many people would agree that putting on weight or not making he effort is a valid reason for not wanting sex, I don't think that's a loving reaction.

Both dp and I have put on weight since we met but we still love and fancy each other as much as ever. I'd be mortified if he used that as an excuse to avoid sex, but even if he did prefer me thinner he would say it sensitively and with concern for my health and happiness and would support me, not be nasty.

The sleeping arrangements are annoying and worth a discussion if that's part of the reason you lack intimacy, but it sounds like it's just convenient for him to avoid sex with you if his Ds is in his bed.

Sorry, he sounds like an arse.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 09/11/2015 19:35

Oh and thinning hair and weight gain could be caused by low thyroid, in which case you may always struggle and will need a supportive partner more than ever X

HappyHopefulStrongerAlone · 09/11/2015 19:59

you need to take at look at why you're still with someone who treats you this way. I'd have chucked him out he moment he insulted me This. You deserve better purple.

LeaLeander · 09/11/2015 20:11

It sounds to me like the existence of this "relationship" is mostly in your head, to be honest.

You have no sexual connection with him.
He doesn't want you to stay over much at his home.
He's not physically affectionate.
He insults you. He makes you feel bad about yourself.

What exactly is there to love about him? Please don't confuse "fear of being alone" with love for another person. And what sort of example is this for your kids?

I'm sorry that your fantasy of one big happy family isn't panning out but it definitely never will with this man. Why not extricate yourself and move on to a better life. Being alone and independent is far better than being someone's cowed doormat.

Seriouslyffs · 09/11/2015 20:21

He's really not very loveable is he?
Love is a verb.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 09/11/2015 22:12

He hasn't necessarily got someone else, but it does sound as though he has "gone off" you for whatever reason.

It happens and it's no one's fault, but he shouldn't be treating you badly.

It doesn't sound like saving it is an option and you don't live together. Just end it.

Original poster
purpleflower199 · 14/11/2015 12:24

Thanks everyone for your input. Sorry I haven't replied sooner tbh things weren't improving.
Well a update...
This morning everything came to a head. After months of walking on eggshells I finally flipped. We had a rare night together. No sex.
Last night we were generally chatting about random stuff when I mentioned car tax coming out of my bank wed. I pay monthly.
(he bought the car for me beginning of year but I said I didn't want it as I couldn't afford the tax on it and wanted to stick with my little runaround) he assured me he would pay tax for me and not to worry. (stupidly believed him) anyway he didn't pay. So i was lumbered with a road tax bill that was far higher than my old one. I told him last week id payed it and got it sorted myself. (to shame him really) but o needn't have bothered as he didn't give a shit. He then went in a mood saying I'm a liar as I said last week id payed it all in one go. He then started also going on about my phone being engaged last week when he was trying to ring me. I wasntveven on phone was in bath. (he thinks I was secretly talking to someone!!) paranoid.
He slept on all this then started again this morning! He said my lies have turned him off me and against me. He then demanded I take a lie detector or we were over.
That was the final straw I just saw fucking red (sorry for French).
I threw myself out of bed. Got dressed. Told him to shove his lie detector up his arse. I walked out and came home. 6.30 this morning. He's a nut job. I just cant take anymore shit. He sent a tx later about doing a lie detector I just said fuck off its over.
I'm sat here now. I feel relief but I also feel worked up and a bit sick. I haven't eaten. I just feel so anxious about what's happened iv spoke to a friend but feel so alone now.

OP posts:
dodobookends · 14/11/2015 12:33

A lie detector test? Talk about over-the-top.

He said my lies have turned him off me and against me It seems like he thinks you have been lying about things for some time doesn't it, as he's been funny with you for a while. What other lies does he think you've been telling all this time, for heaven's sake!

Sounds like you made the right decision in walking out.

Original poster
purpleflower199 · 14/11/2015 12:41

Hi dodo, he thinks I lie about nearly everything! He has never trusted anyone. I might be actually on the phone to my mum she he's trying to ring and he will ring and ring and ring and ring until I finish the call with my mum and his first words would be 'who you on phone too, what did you talk about, well you must have had a lot to say because you were on the phone for x amount time'...
Its been tiresome. And its worn me down. He's followed me to work on one occasion a couple years back. And drove begin me until I noticed him. He's demanded a lie detector before. I go out my way to prove I don't do anything wrong. And when he's in a 'normal' frame of mind he admits he's jealous, he apologises and says he's in the wrong.
To be fair I think this has done me one big favour....he's not right.

OP posts:
dodobookends · 14/11/2015 12:50

Obsessive paranoid jealously is never a good trait, and impossible to deal with. If somebody thinks you are habitually lying, it doesn't matter how hard you try and prove to them that you aren't, they still won't believe you. Trust has to come pretty high up on the agenda in a relationship. If he is constantly checking up on you and trying to catch you out, he will in the end start trying to control your every move because that will be the only way he can know for sure that you aren't lying.

You've done the right thing in getting rid of him!

Epilepsyhelp · 14/11/2015 12:52

You're right; he definitely isn't right at all. You've made a really good decision in saying it's over, just stick it out.

mysteryknickers · 14/11/2015 12:52

Please don't go back to him. He sounds awful.

redpinkbluegreen · 14/11/2015 12:55

You are definitely better off without him. He has a whole load of issues he needs to sort out. Also, in my experience, someone who accuses you of lying and being untrustworthy is often projecting their own behaviour on to you.

Stay strong as he'll probably be back crying about how he can't live without you once he realises that you aren't going to put up with his crap anymore.

Cabrinha · 14/11/2015 13:03

Good grief! Shock
How wonderful it's over now.

Cabrinha · 14/11/2015 13:04

Love his posturing about the lie detector. I'm curious - what happens if you agree? Is there a high street chain you can book into for an appointment? Hmm I'd laugh outright at anyone suggesting it. Then leave them. For being THICK as much as the insult of the lie detector.

Original poster
purpleflower199 · 14/11/2015 13:09

I wont go back now. Iv been unhappy for far too long. If he is seeing someone else my comfort is in knowing that whatever relationship he gets into won't last as he's far too insecure and paranoid to keep a loving relationship. (he's 47).
When I said in first post about hair being thin, my hair has always been really fine even when we met it was fine. (not balding though!) its still healthy and shiny. he knows its fine but he just started picking flaws that have always been there. My weight gain (I think) I believe is due to me being so bloody unhappy with where I'm at with him. I have started comfort eating a bit. I feel he's just dragged me down and the final few weeks of not sleeping together and him fault finding has left me feeling a bit deflated and id be lying if said it hasn't affected my self esteem. I felt at the end just merely staying with him I was devaluing myself.

I need to scrape myself off the floor, I just feel like iv been trampled on. On top of it all in moving house next week (me and the kids) so I feel really stressed.

OP posts:
dodobookends · 14/11/2015 13:16

Flowers Time for a fresh start. Hope the move goes well and you are soon settled into your new place.

Original poster
purpleflower199 · 14/11/2015 13:22

Cabrinha....yer its absolutely ridiculous. I told my friend she just burst out laughing and said he's been watching too much Jeremy k!
He thinks I have something to hide by refusing a test but I'm flipping furious he feels that obviously I'm such a deceptive cow I need to take a polygraph. To be honest part of me thinks he caused this so he didn't have to end it. Being a coward.
Whatever his reasons he's got the result he wanted.
The more i think about it the angrier i feel...Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
purpleflower199 · 14/11/2015 13:24

Thanks dodo. I'm looking forward to a fresh start.

OP posts: