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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How many more chances do I give him? He promised not to drink.

3 replies

AGapInTheMarket · 09/11/2015 06:01

My DH has problems with alcohol. My alcoholic father and abusive childhood mean that I cannot and will not come second to someone's addiction, and my insistence on this hardline stance nearly broke us up in the early days. But he had counselling and hypnotherapy and read many books and cried and apologised and explained and blamed his controlling father whom he had to rebel against... and promised and promised and promised. I'm certain his drinking is 'self-medicating' for work-based stress and anxiety. I've repeatedly asked him to seek help and he agrees in theory but has yet to take any action in seeking treatment. He resolved to go cold turkey and stay off the booze until after Christmas at least and then re-evaluate.

But now he's done it again. It wasn't "bad" - he came home smelling slightly of booze one afternoon last week and I questioned him and he pretended he didn't know what I was talking about and I dropped it. But during a deep and meaningful discussion over the weekend (he loves these) he admitted that he'd had a drink that day. Apparently he told me about it because he "wants to be honest" with me. But how can I trust him? How many more times is this going to happen? Am I a doormat?

We've been married for three years and have one 2yo DD.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 09/11/2015 06:04

Morning...
It all depends on what you are prepared to put up with really. As an isolated incident having a drink like he did wasn't a bad thing.... But you are sensitive to alcohol (childhood) and past behaviour. Do you get the impression he wants to change?

category12 · 09/11/2015 06:12

Insist he gets help with his drinking. It's all very well him owning up to it later, but it doesn't change the fact he drank when he had promised not to and lied to your face at the time. He's hoping for sympathy and cookies and you to "let him off" for coming clean, but it's not facing up to any of it by either of you. His belated honesty is a red herring.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2015 07:00

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You are already coming second to his problems with alcohol. I am not altogether surprised your dad was himself alcoholic and you grew up with this; adult children of alcoholics are more likely overall to choose adult partners who are alcoholic themselves. It may well be that you actually went on to choose a partner who has alcohol issues like your dad. You are also playing out the usual roles associated with the partner of an alcoholic i.e. enabler and provoker (you never forget). Do you drink alcohol with him at home and or police his drinking too?.

He is indeed self medicating with alcohol; what such people also forget is that alcohol is also a depressant. He has bargained with himself and you; this latest promise he will not keep either. He is setting himself up to fail again which gives him even more self loathing. He will use any occasion to drink, particularly Christmas. I think you and by turn your DD are in for a miserable time of it going forward.

No more chances; you've given him more than enough chances (your mother likely did the same with your dad to no lasting effect either) already. It may well be that your H will go onto lose everything including his family, job (presumably he works, well for now anyway) and driving licence and still choose to drink afterwards.

What sort of father is he to your DD?. You were a child once and look at the legacy you have been left by one alcoholic parent. You really want this life for her too?. Life with an alcoholic spouse is basically the family unit lurching from one crisis to another. Its really chaotic. Life with an alcoholic father/mother as a parent more often than not leaves the adult child with a whole host of emotional problems not least of all feeling super responsible for all around them. Its not good for her; her dad is her primary male role model after all.

What sort of a husband is he to you now?. How do you feel about him now?. What do you get out of this relationship now?

Many people in this type of dysfunctional relationships too act out co-dependent type behaviours. I would read up on co-dependency as well and see how much of that relates to your own self.

The will to change has to come from HIM and HIM alone; paying lip service to it as he has done to date will change nothing and you will stay on the merry go around that is alcoholism as a result. Talking to him about his drinking is a waste of time because he does not want to stop drinking and really never has. Counselling and such like rarely if ever works particularly if the person on the receiving end has been at all coerced by family or friends into doing this. If it is done for anyone other than them, it is more likely than not doomed to failure.

What is the longest period of time he has gone without any alcohol to your knowledge?.

Your own recovery will only start when you are away from all this day to day. You need to get off this merry go around as well.

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped; you can only help your own self. I would strongly suggest you contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to family members of problem drinkers.

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