Told not to contact while away

[Nanodust]

I'm currently away on business. This is the first time I've ever been away my DCs are 3 and 4. I will be away for 12 days
As you can imagine I will miss them a lot. I Skyped last night to say i had arrived safely and to say hello. My DH was at his parents so skyped there.
The conversation on lasted about 5 mins.
I've now been told by my DH that because my DS were sad and down after that he and his parents think it is best that I don't contact again and just see them when I return.
I feel very sad about this. I could understand a compromise, say once every 3 or 4 days, but not at all seems very harsh to me.
What do you think? Am I being unreasonable?
PS- sorry for cross posting but I put this in AIBu also as wasn't sure which areas was best.

I think the children need to see you on Skype. Goodness knows what they might be thinking. His parents need to butt out on this one

What? No! I'm sure the kids were upset about you being gone but having no contact for nearly a fortnight would be awful. Sounds like your DH just can't be arsed dealing with the aftermath of a call, even though that's his job.

I would tell him you expect to have contact every other day but at a time that suits the kids, i.e. if it can be timed so you can read them a bedtime story, great, if not flexibly around around what they're doing, and if they ask to contact you he should Skype even if it's only a message.

I'm worried that it's going to hurt th bond I have with my children. I feel really sad about it. Do you think it will damage my bond with them?

Do you think he might be punishing you for going away and leaving him to do the childcare?

This sounds slightly sinister, OP. Why on earth would DH and ILs want to stop you from skyping with DCs? DCs will get over the tears after the first couple of times I'm sure.

And save a bit of a roasting for the self-appointed skype police when you get back.

I think there's a compromise to be done here.

Are you able to call in the mornings? DC's are always perkier and happier then.
When I was away when DC's were younger I avoided calling at night because they did getting upset as they were tired.

On a third point, can your DH go and get them some little treats to open each day and say these are from mummy?

I would absolutely not tolerate not speaking to DC's for 12 days but equally appreciate there are good times and bad times to call.

Hope that helps

The bond you have with your dc can never been broken, but whether it will be damaged by your absence very much depends on what your dh and his dps are telling them while you're away.

In view of him having told you that the dc were 'sad and down' after skyping with you, it seems to me that there's an urgent need for you to have a much longer session with them - say, half an hour at least - during which you tell how much you're missing them, reiterate how you had no choice but to be away for work, ask them how they've spent/are spending their day, discuss what presents you should bring back, etc.

Did you make a chart before you left showing how many sleeps were left before you returned? If not, your h should make one now and do everything in his power to treat your absence as if it's an entirely normal course of events while reassuring the dc that you'll soon be home and that they can message you via skype any time.

Do you think he might be punishing you for going away and leaving him to do the childcare?

This.

No way I would let dh dictate when I could/could not speak to my dc. Shocking attitude from your dh and his parents.

God, that's horrible OP. This used to happen in my family, I was always told my DS was too upset, so best not to call. Of course I ignored this, but when I did call, DS would conveniently have 'just' gone to sleep, or 'just' got in the bath, so never got to talk to him much. When he ran to the phone to talk to me, all I'd hear is them in the background telling him to get off the phone he'd had long enough etc.

We don't see them at all now, and THIS is extreme (and a million other things happened), not what I am recommending, am just saying.... that it's not normal at all to cut contact with Mummy. YANBU at all.

Good luck OP, hope you get to speak to your DC's very very soon, and every day! (I'd want to!)

If my DH is away, he would never ever be denied contact with the kids, upset or not. I get upset away from him, should I cut contact with him too?!

No chance. He's not getting away from me that easily

It's hard... Last summer my DC stayed at their grandparents for a week, they were 6 and 4 at the time. I tried calling every day at around tea time but they started off well and then would just start crying and saying they missed me. MIL said they were absolutely fine the whole time until they spoke to me. After this happened 3 days in a row we came to the agreement that if they asked to speak to me they could call, but if they didn't mention it we would leave it.

Just because they appear happy when you have not been in touch doesnt mean that they are, and if they think that Daddy will get cross about being sad they may not even tell him that they are missing you.

I would insist on a decent long chat with them every 2 days, followed by a very long conversation with him about childrens reactions to upsetting things.

Give them a call on the morning when they're less likely to get upset.

Also I would call every day. Screw your dh's parents.

I don't think it's up to his parents to decide.

i think the idea to give them a quick call when they're about to leave to go to school, and busy, taht's a good idea.

It's fuck all to do with his parents, they're your kids it's up to you.

However much they're upset after the Skype, they'll do doubt be more upset if they don't talk to you at all, but they likely won't say so.

They will get used to it. Just as kids got used to their parents going out for the night etc.

His parents are not going to tell you what to do.

Get used not got used ^^

I'm outraged.

Dh often travels away and (annoyingly) calls at all times to speak to the kids.

As if I would stop them or discourage it!

Your dh is either v thick, v weak or v sinister. Sorry op.

Ah, poor you - 12 days is a long time.

I travelled most weeks for work, away 2-3 nights, from my daughter being 13 months. She's now 6 and I do 5 nights away in a row every other week. Occasionally a full 7 nights. And not work related, she did 15 nights away from me with her father in the summer (now divorced).

Firstly: we have a lovely bond. She's the same with me as my friends kids are with them - cuddly, affectionate, not clingy, happy, seems secure. Lots of children have parents who work away, are divorced, or do shift work. If you'll be away regularly, don't panic.

Secondly: we have never called or skyped. I say never... When she was 3 they called as she'd had a meltdown over being told to put a coat on and now XH couldn't handle it
But we had decided that as she was to begin with very young, talking would upset her. That's worked well now we're divorced. At 6 we can chat about everything, so she knows now that she can always say she wants to call the other parent. She never asks.

I do think 12 days is a long time for 3 & 4 years not to speak to you. BUT - my experience of Skype at that age is that it was rubbish, they wander off! I'm more a fan of a planned bedtime story call. Also think the morning call suggestion is a good one.

Most important thing - your husband has to be honest and clear with the kids. If he says "we can call mummy if you like, but it's fine if we're busy playing - I'll tell her we were - now, shall we make her a welcome home card?" then they will NOT be damaged. Yeah they'll miss you, might be clingy when you're back for a bit... But they'll simply lesrn that it's true mummy always comes back.

I try to always be positive... I never say I missed you when I come home. Only "baby I'm excited to see you again!".

You'll be OK, they'll be OK. Absolutely a family decision how to handle this though, not his alone. xx

Your post is very concerning. I echo the questions others have asked about him being angry/punishing. Is he usually controlling? I would ignore the 'decision' but if contact was blocked that would be a divorce situation for me on my return. I would try and use the headspace when you're not working to reflect on the reality of your relationship with your husband. His actions show no regard for you at all.

What kitty says. My DH has worked away a lot some the children were tiny and I would never stop them talking to him on the phone / FaceTime