What to do when you can't seem to move on?

[maybeanotherdaysoon]

It's been a year and a half since I split with ex DP and I feel stuck, as if I can't move on.

We were together 4 years and it was great for the first 3. We talked in terms of the future very early on, he told me that he saw himself marrying me and having children. We would go on weekends away together, he was fun, helpful and everything I'd ever wanted in a partner.

Then things changed. He stopped making the effort to go on days/nights out with me, neglected his appearance, was dismissive and distant. I thought that maybe he was depressed. He didn't like his job, felt like he was going nowhere and so I helped him rewrite his CV. I'm sure that mentally, he left me long before he actually did.

About 3 months before we split up, he went to his work colleague's wedding reception, alone - I was originally meant to be going but he said he had made plans to give a lift to other work friends so there would be no room in the car.
Conveniently, his phone lost signal at the wedding reception and he didn't come home until 4AM. Photos of him in a nightclub surfaced the next day on social media (with his workmates, all in smart wedding reception wear) and he explained it by saying they'd all gone out clubbing after the reception ended. I was a bit suspicious but let it go.

When we split up, he said out of the blue that he felt things were not working out with us, he wasn't willing to discuss it as he felt it couldn't be fixed and that was it. I was shocked. He moved out of our flat the next day.

I later found out he'd been seeing a married woman behind my back. She left her husband for him and they were together a month after we split up. Within 2 months, she was pregnant and they now live together with their baby. I have no doubt that he was at her house the night he went to the nightclub. She lived right next to it.

I can't forget all that's happened. I can't believe he's moved on so quickly, without a thought for my feelings. I still feel betrayed, even though it's been over a year and I've tried building things into my life: I've made new friends, got a new job, tried new hobbies but I still feel empty without him. I miss the things we used to do together. I miss the trips we had and the little jokes we had together. I miss feeling like I always had someone to rely on if I needed him. The feelings get worse at this time of year as his birthday/Christmas were close together and we'd always do something special for it.

When I think about him with her, I get a dark, sad feeling that lingers for a while. I feel so sad about it all. I've tried dating other people but I don't get the excited feeling I used to have when I liked someone before. I'm always worried that if I trust another person, the same thing will happen again. Sometimes I imagine what we could have had but then I remember he's chosen to leave and have that future with a stranger he'd probably only just met. I feel resentment towards her too. She was married to her husband for 5 years, had her own life and home yet she (and he) chose to ruin her marriage and my relationship.

I probably sound insane, still thinking about this person after a year and a half but I am genuinely worried as I've tried to move on but it's not happening. He's long gone, yet I'm still stuck thinking about all the things that happened and wondering why he did it. Thanks for reading.

I'm really sorry your finding it so difficult to move on.
He treated you really badly so of course you still feel hurt.
I know what it's like when you can't get over someone.
It's 5 years since me and my ex split and still I think of him.
I know it's cliche but eventually things get better.
Think of how shit he treated you and how he hurt you.

Fuck, I not over someone and it's been a lot longer than five years. Both of you, cut yourselves some slack. When you really love someone you don't get over them over night and when you are left with unanswered questions it will take a lot longer.

OP are you me? In tears reading your post. Something very similar happened to me last year - fiance left me for someone else a week after my Mums funeral - and I am far from over it either.

You are doing all the right things, really you are. I am the same - still torturing myself with it all, still crying, still hurting. I think when the sense of loss and betrayal is that deep it really will take years to get over unfortunately. Hang in there.

I allow myself to sob and grieve but try to imagine a brighter future - and all those things i wanted (home, family) with someone else who really loves me and would never betray me. Can you try to do that too?

Whereabouts are you? PM me if you're in London and want to go for a broken-hearted coffee

I experienced a gut wrenching betrayal (aren't they all?) and, like you, I have been baffled and distressed that I didn't seem to be getting over it - no discernible improvement, a 'stuck' feeling, stuck in the trauma and the loss.

I am coming up to four years now and something is changing, though the loss (and trauma) is still present, just not as acute as it was (re not at the very centre of my thoughts, life, world). I do think it'll take more time to heal.

To that end I found a workbook called 'Breaking through Betrayal' by Holli Kenley. I admit I haven't started working through it (couldn't face it) but it helps me that it is a recognisable syndrome (can't think of a better word at the mo) ie getting stuck after a terrible betrayal/loss.

I expect to recover from this but there is no question it leaves a life-defining scar. I am determined to recover but have had to accept there is not much I can do to bring about the recovery, that it's going to take time. Like a bereavement.

Sorry, struggling to put it into words - what I mean is I can do eg the workbook (she calls it the 'betrayal injury' and refers to the almost catatonic reaction, in which we can feel stuck for a long time) but ultimately it is a deep injury and I can't employ this or that tactic to chivvy along the healing - I just have to accept its going to take its own time. That in itself is challenging: that I have to accept there isn't much I can do about it in the short term iyswim (I assure you I've tried, made absolutely no difference, still dead inside).

Being on here and all the helpful advice has helped me a lot. Knowing it's not just you going through it does help.
Also, in the early days, I couldn't sleep without my head spinning. I put a relaxation app on my phone, and if I wake up , I just press it on before my mind starts racing. Never used this sort of thing before, but it really helped.
They are designed to change your sub conscious thoughts and rewire your thought processes. Let the past go, so to speak.
A bit new age and hippy for some, but I have found them useful. Has often made me wake up more positive than when I went to sleep. ( except on a Monday ! )
Even if they only help you switch off and sleep, that helps.
And they're free !

I too feel your pain! I'm 2 years on from someone betraying me and I still get upset and think about him, and look at him on social media. When you've had that connection with someone it's very hard to get over it until you meet someone else.

I didn't move on until I met someone else. I guess I was lucky that I met someone I was compatible with but before I met him I had two brief liasons with men who were nice enough but I didn't get any excitement from being with them. It just made me feel even worse because they 'weren't him'
Its truly miserable being in the position you are and tbh I know if I hadn't met my current partner I would still be hankering over my ex.
I've no advice I'm afraid but what you are experiencing is completely normal in my opinion.

I'm 14 months since my H who I'd been with for 20 years left me. And I am still devastated, I don't think I've moved on much since the beginning. I'm more used to it, but thoughts of him, sadness, regrets fill my head every waking hour. I wake up and the pain overwhelms me and I dread the day ahead. I cannot focus at work or really run the house properly. I still have an actual physical pain in my chest constantly, barely eat, have lost 2 stone. I am trying counselling, keeping myself busy, talking to people but nothing seems to be helping. Thankfully neither of us are on Facebook so I don't have to see that. I have two DC but even cuddling them feels sad and hollow because we are not the family we should be.

I know it takes time but time doesn't seem to be helping so far. And as for the emotional baggage I now have, lack of self- esteem, inability to trust anyone who I might get close to - I've not even started to deal with that.

Sorry if this post isn't that helpful. But you are not alone.

Please don't be me who is still struggling with feelings as I didn't expect it to be the last time I would be with him (have seen since to talk to) after too many years to say.

Work through your feelings by getting the answers you need.

Fuck, heart break hurts. Make it easier for yourself.

Thanks for all your stories. It helps to know that other people understand. I think the hardest thing for me is that I know he's happy with this other woman and they've now had a child - an experience I was convinced we'd share together.

He has come out of this with no emotional upset whatsoever. He's merrily strolled off into another life while I've been left feeling alone and confused. I'm in my late 20s now and all my friends are settled with their partners, some of them starting families. I worry that I'll end up alone and childless. I don't really get out and meet new men and I doubt I'd be able to find the connection I had with him anyway. It was rare to find someone who I clicked with so well. I thought I'd found the person I was going to marry and now I'm back at square one. It's scary to think I could be affected by this for years.

You will be ok. You are young and able to offer the right man so much. It's actually a good thing you don't have children with him as you can have a completely clean break and fresh start.

It is hard that they move on so easily and with seemingly no repercussions while we are left in bits. It just isn't fair, but sadly life isn't fair.

I'm afraid I used this to offload about my situation without helping you. I'm early 40s with 2 DC so in a different place to you. So while we all have similar pain (and it's good to share that) we have different back stories and so we will all be different. I am not trying to minimise your current hurt or despair, just trying to say you may not be affected by this for years. I hope not.

It does help to focus on the good points, if you can see them as that, you can have a clean break, and you are more aware now of what is important in a relationship so your next one will be better. For me, at least I have my children etc.

From what others are saying on MN the pain/loss/trauma doesn't last for years and years - I've read many times that people get beyond it. Eventually. But it's not as quick as you or I would've thought. I do think it's like a bereavement - takes longer than you'd think.

Its really funny you should mention the connection. My ex and I were really tight. Soulmates (wtf was I thinking I no longer believe in Soulmates) We could talk for hours. I felt I had finally met someone who outshone everyone else.
He was actually seeing someone behind my back for the last three months of our relationship. So much for our connection.
My current OH I most definitely don't feel that 'connection'.

He's just straightforward, nice, sexy. Does everything he says he will. We get on.
I'm so happy with it being just as it is.
If I never get that previous level of closeness I couldn't care less. I'm actually happier now than I have ever been.

Get a mindfulness app.
Get therapy.
Get out there and meet new people.
You are young and live in the western world, you've got loads ahead of you don't worry xx

Simples

Wow, if only i'd known...

I bloody hate this 'moving on' malarky. Even the words make me bristle and I wonder who the blazes came up with them in the first place

A broken heart is a very real thing and whilst Im seeing light at the end of the tunnel re the end of my almost 40 year marriage I know I'll always go through life with a heart thats healed but still scarred. Its like having a terribly broken leg, it may look alright on the inside and a person may say their leg is as good as new but there will always be evidence on the bone that damage was done.

I dont know how a person gets to the 'Im feeling better/happy' stage because I know for me I just realised one day - Jeez, I'm feeling better/happy. Then when I looked back I could see things had been going on for a while that made a difference to my heart/head/day to day life but I just hadn't seen them or think they were that important.

You're probably doing better than you think you are but given how powerful the pain of a broken heart is, it smothers everything else, please try to get up each day and make it the best day you can. Put your make-up on, have a nice breakfast, smile at someone in the lift at work, just tiny things that others may think are daft which are in fact things that add up. I used to tell myself - ok, that's the first half hour gone, then I'd think oh thats great its lunch time, the lunch time I thought I'd never see because I was convinced I'd have died of a broken heart after breakfast.

Its now 2 and a half years for me though I had been asking my husband to leave home a year before he eventually did. I now travel alone, Im just back from Alaska where I did a whale watching holiday. I went to The Med alone earlier this year and saw things I'd wanted to see forever. Ive been to the states twice with my brother and his wife and the first time I went they took me to Disney every day for two weeks - he was right, its what I needed, though I suspect Goofy didn't need a middle aged woman crying all over him when he did a minuet with her. Actually he was very good about it and gave me his ear to dry my tears on. . Ive been to the Caribbean and next year Im going inter railing with one of my pals across Europe, I'll be 58 and she'll be 70. Then after that Im away to The Caribbean and Florida with another friend who'll be 60 during out trip and just as my brother took me to Disney I'll be taking her because she also has a broken heart. And the point of telling you this? Well if anyone had told me a couple of years ago that I'd drive in the States or go inter railing in Europe with a pal on a granny gap year month I'd have told them they were bonkers. But the reality is that I needed to make new memories that I could sit and think of instead of the past. I also needed new things to talk about because it seemed that for years I'd only spoken about what was happening and how I was feeling.

Ive also joined a social group here at home called Internations and twice a month I meet up with a bunch of random strangers for camping trips or a meal out. That was really hard for me to do because Im quite a shy person but I set myself the challenge of it and now I love it. I was on an overnight boat trip with them recently, we went to group of Islands, swam and snorkelled all day, had a beach disco and BBQ in the evening, camped on the beach over night - and it was so good my daughters and daughters in law are all coming on another one with us next weekend. Ive been teased so much by my kids, they say I went to a rave and refer to the weekend Mama said she went camping but she really went off to a rave.

My grown up children are expected to look after me because Im on my own now, its the culture here, (though my disabled son is at home with me) and that would even mean me not being left alone unless they are at work. Its not what I wanted for them, and to be honest Im too young for that, and though they're naturally worried when I go off on my jaunts or my camping trips/nights out they're really proud of me and continually tell me - you have come such a long way mum, we cant believe you are doing all of these things, and we're so glad you are okay now. And you know what? Im so bloody glad I took the hands they were holding out to me when they said - come one mama, jump, we will do everything we can and help you with your new life.

I see one, or all, of my grandchildren every day. I do school runs, have them for sleepovers or just a play in the garden with the dogs, I go and do homework with them or just help with the bath/bedtime routine. I know you're way too young for these things but the point Im making is that day to day life is also a great healer, just getting through it in the best way you can, and one day realising - Im Okay, I really am Okay

I hope this realisation comes to you soon. xxxx

Oh and I also do 'mindfulness' but I didn't know I was doing it till I read about it one day. I thought it was something I had made up for myself that was doing me good.

Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.

OP - you told us about your ex now being with someone else, that they have a child.

Well my betrayal was similar, except mine involved a husband having a secret life in the place he worked half the week that has involved 3 children to two different mothers. He has children the same age as two of our grandchildren.

Its a total headfuck isn't it?

Shit, it has been only 4 weeks since the love of my life told me he is fucking someone else, after 15 years together.... I did cut all contact and i've spent these weeks crying like a lunatic... I have the feeling that my pain will last forever... There is, i think, no cure for an heart that has been broken beyond repair: I might be able to function normally but the sadness will never go away

God, OP I split up with a serious boyfriend who I loved to death 9 years ago. He left me suddenly and with no real explanation. I thought we were happy and that I would spend my life with him. I am now married with a child and very happy but I still think of my ex sometimes and when I do I feel a deep sadness. It's like a scar. I loved him dearly and he betrayed that. Cut yourself some slack- it's normal. It just takes time. My now husband was the first person I was interested in or liked at all after my ex.... And I met him five years later. Before that I had casually dated and honestly thought I would never love again.

Brilliant, brilliant post(s) Sansoora. Lovely energy and happiness from them.
I think heartbreak doesn't ever entirely go away. It just fades to a manageable ache that you notice more when you take the memories out and look at them. Which happens less and less often as time passes. But it's still there, it's a part of you. A healed broken leg is a good analogy, I think.

Thank you all for your replies, they have been really helpful.

Sansoora, thank you for sharing your story. I can only imagine how awful that experience must have been for you but it's lovely to hear how you have made so many fantastic new memories. I would love to have the confidence to travel alone like that - maybe one day.

Today I spent time with my family and went out for a meal (to a restaurant I used to visit with my ex) and I felt really happy. I'm starting to try and detach my memories of him from places and feelings. I'm telling myself that he's chosen that path and I'm walking my path, different to the one I thought I'd walk but just as fulfilling.

I am also going to look into Mindfulness. It sounds like something that would really help.