Has My Wife Destroyed Our Family Looking for Happiness in the Wrong Place?

[Father88883]

My wife of 6 years left me. It destroyed me. I have always put providing for my wife and kids before anything else. That is why I left the Forces and gave up my Military career as she and the the kids come first. Lucky my new job pays very well and I now only have to work a 35 hour 4 day week. So I am better off and get more time to spend with her and the kids. Financialy we are now very comfortable. I am a good man and loved my wife with all my heart. Life was good and I'm thought we would be together forever.

It started with her saying she was moving out as we needed some time apart. Later after doing some investigating I find out she has been having an affair with a step cousin 14 years older than her and that she also used to be with him when she was 17 (he was married at the time).

To add insult to the wounds I uncovered a Web of lie after lie. I won't go into all the details but I found out so many hurtful things and levels she had gone to. Also that my money had funded most of the affair. I uncovered that she was playing some really sick mind games with me and that she can be quite manipulative. Even when it all came out she said she would tell me everything and even that was lies. It's like she is incapable of telling the truth anymore. I don't know who she has become. I wouldn't put my worst emany through this much pain let alone my spouse. I feel stupid as I had always trusted her 100%. I never thought she could be like this.

Despite my unquestioning faith in her I don't think she has ever trusted me? She has accused me a number of time of cheating. I have always been faithful. I asked her why? She said every man has always cheated on her so why would I be any different. This has always hurt as I have alway trusted her 100%. My therapist did say to me often them who can't trust themselves can rarely trust others.

I know in her heart she really wants to be with this older man. But I don't think the feeling is mutral. I think he is just enjoying the frill of having sex with an attractive younger woman in her 20s who also regularly lends him money (he is no catch and always broke). I don't think he wants a long term relationship with her.

We have two great children Girl 4YO and Bou 9MO. She has moved 2 hrs drive away and I know being apart is upsetting them as well as ripping my heart apart. I just wanted them to have the happy upbringing I did with both parents.

I tried so hard to understand my wife and gave her so many opportunities but to be honest she is in love with this other man. I never thought I would ever say this but for me it is over. I still love her but there is too much destruction and pain. Her friends and family can see this guy is no good but she can't. Non of them can understand why she has left me. It is a mystery to us all. I am so worried that she has destroyed our family chasing happiness in the wrong place. I worry one day she will realise it's a mistake and it will be to late. It kills me what it is doing to our kids. Why should they be deprived to family upbringing they deserve and I worry the affect this will have on their future. Has she traded it all chasing fools gold? Has anyone been in my wife's shoes or can shine any insight?

Not liking the replies you got on your other thread?

I have been there. My ex wanted to come back. I sometimes wish that he'd come back but I know that it's too late and I deserve better.

You have to stop torturing yourself and let go.

This is something that I say to my kids but you can't affect other people's behaviour. They are responsible for their own behaviour. Even if there are "excuses" like drink or drugs, their behaviour is their responsibility. Your wife has become a person you don't know any more. For your peace of mind you need to let go of thinking about what is going through her mind. You can't trust what she says anyway. Some people are so impulsive and emotionally shallow that they will not stop and think about their behaviour- why they do things and how it affects others. Thinking about her behaviour is a complete waste of time. You didn't make her have an affair or dishonest- that was her choice.

You have to focus on yourself and the children. Your children can be happy despite having parents in different homes.

What you say make sense but it still so hard to get over. I think she may have demons/mental issues from the past that have a hand in all this. I don't know where you stop blaming them and say despite her issues she made her choices. I get the impression she wants it to work with him but knows it probably won't and is trying to keep the back door open to return when it all goes wrong.

After month of uncovering lie after lie and soul seaching I know I can never have her back even though I love despite all she has done. I honestly don't think she will find happiness at the end of this. I hate the fact that I think she has damaged all of our lives including her for no gain and that to me is the tragedy of it all.

Deep down I know if she did want to come back her demons would come back one day and she would do it again. So I know now it is over. I worry that one day she will want to come back and I will have to say no. I know I will feel so guilty not letting her back, especially for the kids.

Time makes it easier.

Sometimes you need to be holding that door shut with all your strength but she's an adult and for your own mental health you have to let it go. Just make sure your children are happy. That's the only thing that you can affect and the only thing that matters. Having 2 parents together is not necessary for children to be happy. They need 2 parents who love them and do their best. Being together for the sake of the kids will not make anyone happy- especially the kids who will feel angry and guilty if they find out that they were responsible for their parents being unhappy.

I hope so. It's so hard the let go of someone you love with all your heart. Someone you would have sacrificed my life for without a moments hesitation. I know I should worry about my mental health but I am really worried about her and the kids.

optimist what is that comment about.? Poor you father what a horrid situation but sounds like her mind is made up, it will get easier I promise, just need to give yourself a little time. Try and be kind to yourself, do you have anyone in RL that you can talk to.

As much as I hate to I have to let go. I have given her so may chances to be honest with me and to sort it out. It's like she is playing some mind game. Don't know if intensional or not? She would talk about getting back together or say that she had really messed things up and regrets it or says things like if we get divorced she would want to remarry me the same day. These would string me along and give me hope. But her actions say different. When she was saying all this to me she was continuing to sleep with him and talk about setting up a life with him. To be honest it has really messed with my head. Does she even know what she wants?

But I guess I better go off her actions not her words, right? So in the end I have had to realise that as much as I love her i can't be with her even if she did want to come back. I just hate the fact every thing she has said has turned out to be lies. Every bit of truth I know I have had to find out my self. Once the cat was out the bag why could she not be straight with me? Does she even know what the truth is any more?

Optimist - OP has posted this story before.

Correct in the divorce/separation section as well. But then I thought its probably more a relationship matter. May be I am getting the wrong end of this stick but I detect a bit of an unpleasant tone Optimist. Of course that would be ironic considering your username. May be I am too sensitive and you mean nothing by it? Just not sure of the relevance of your comment? Any way have I done anything that bad? If so my apologies' to the community. I am new to this site and this sort of thing.

P.s. As I am new to this can someone tell if I meant to ignore comments such as Optimist and not give them the time of day? Or reply back?

father yes I think that was a jibe. Did not see your other thread, taking this on face value. Sound like you have a horrid situation.

Not a jibe as such, but the other post came up on active threads and I spent a while reading the OP and responses. Decided I didn't have anything to add to the discussion so didn't do so. Shortly afterwards this thread came up (actually started a couple of hours before the one I read originally) and the same story was related but with a slightly different slant. Made me grumpy.

I am sorry I have made you grumpy. Luckily I think you are the only one on here. Hopefully I can clear this up with two points:

Point one. No new slant on this one. Just additional information of relevance based on questions from the first one. For example on this one I added my work hour based on AdjustableWench 's input. Thus to give a clearer picture of my situation and to avoid repeat questions.

Point Two. The divorce/seperation thread was first. This one came latter because on reflection as I thought it was probably more a relationship type of thread. Please explain how this thread (started at 11:25 08/11/15) could have "actually started a couple of hours before the one I read originally" (divorce/seperation) when that one was started at 02:42 08/11/15. I am not genius but it is clear this one started over 8 hrs after the divorce/seperation thead not a couple of hours before.

So really I am sorry if you are grumpy. I know I am beyond grumpy at the moment. But I think you are wasting everyone time on here and distracting from the point. I could really do with out this at the moment. Although on the other hand dealing with your contribution has in away been a distraction to the hell I am going through at the moment. So thanks, I think?

But really no more as I am sure you'll agree? Every one has a right to be heard. But you are clearly inaccurate with your comments and more to the point not adding value to this thread.

I'm surprised that, as a self-professed newcomer, you've taken umbrage at Optimist having drawn attention to your other thread and at the manner in which you've expressed your annoyance, which I can only hope is not indicative of someone who prefers to stand on their dignity rather than being open to constructive criticism.

If anyone can be said to be wasting everyone's, or anyone's, "time on here" it can only be yourself as those who are unaware that you have created threads on the same subject on different boards may find that, having taken time to consider and compose a response, their advice/opinion has already been expressed in another place by another mumsnetter thus leading to unnecessary and disheartening frustration.

Having read your other thread and noted your 'information block', it occurs to me that I can add some of the "value" you appear to be desirous of acquiring by suggesting that you invoke Clare's Law and Sarah's Law in order to discover whether there is any reason why the man your wife is in thrall to should not be around her and/or your dc:

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11369454/Clares-Law-Find-out-if-your-partner-has-a-history-of-abuse.html

www.parentsprotect.co.uk/police_disclosure_scheme.htm

Continuing on a practical theme and regardless of whether your wife is beset by demons or self-absorption, I would also suggest that you consult a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law as the welfare and well-being of your dc is paramount and, given what you have said, you're best advised to petition for divorce and seek a childcare arrrangements order at the earliest opportunity.

Has she took the children or left them in your care?

I'm with optimist I'm afraid. Post new info on the original thread. Multiple threads on the same topic are unhelpful and irritating, and some threads run forever. You can hit 'report post' and ask for it to be moved to a different board (ie to relationships). It's bloody infuriating to post advice on one of multiple threads and find the op merrily engaging on a different identical one, and never returning to read the shit you have earnestly churned out. Very rude.

Also, playing the martyr card is a bit much. We only have your word as to your holy intentions. (Oh, I was forces and and everything I did I do for her, etc etc)

I don't give a toss whether I'm adding value or not tbh, so no need to pull the insufferable prig routine on me, by the way.

Your wife may not think she's made a mistake. Loads of military marriages end in divorce. You may be unhappy with her choice - she may ultimately have made the right decision for her happiness, and the lies were just her poor attempt to let you down gently. Lots break up when the serving member retires or pvr and suddenly takes an interest in family again, only for the trailing spouse to realise they weren't really feeling it any more. Or the fact that no longer moving around and changing things up every now and again feels very stifling and they need to do 'something' to escape the monotony.

Two sides to every story.

Time to move on though. Sort out your access arrangements and accept she is not coming back, however much you can't quite believe what a mistake she is making. It's her 'mistake' to make. You had better make sure you put on a good show for the kids and don't fill them all up with the how life was perfect until your mother ruined it stuff though. Particularly as apparently you are already doing that with her friends and family....

Hi there all,
We are going to lock this one, so that the OP can get advice on their original thread?