Doing the right thing

[GlitteryShoes]

My DH has always had a bit of a weird family dynamic- which I think stems a lot from his parents sending him to Private school and his sister to the local comp. he went on to uni, got good job and we are comfortable. Sister has been a long term single parent, very reliant on her parents.

Recently I noticed his sister had defriended me on FB, so I added her, assuming it was a glitch. She re- added me after a week and started posting vociferous anti - Corbyn memes. She has never been political - her fb posts were always those personality quizzes and cat videos. My DH is a keen Labour activist. I asked him if they had fallen out, and apparently their parents had asked him to give her some money a few months ago as she was behind on her rent, and he had refused on the ground his parents had recently inherited about £100k ( and I think some resentment that the family doesn't acknowledge our children's birthdays or Christmas usually, while they are very involved with his sister)

My DH is usually a very generous person. I am a bit shocked he refused to help. Part of me wants to message his sister and offer her some money, but I am not sure if it would be taken badly by her , would annoy him and whether I should butt out. My parents are dead and I have no siblings so I feel sad at him falling out with his family, but am not sure whether to get involved. I hate the thought of her struggling though.
Any thoughts?

I think you should have a heart to heart with your husband. If you offer her money he may see it as going behind his back and against his wishes. His sister may not take it with gratitude but be affronted like shes acharity case? If the money came from her brother she would be more accepting of it?

it does seem strange the parents asking your husband for money for their daughterwhen theyve inherited a large sum, there is more to this story perhaps neither of themhave a great relationship with their parents for some unknown reason?

I really don't think that you should give her any money. This is for your H to sort out with her and his parents. Bizarre of the parents to ask your H to give her money when they could clearly do it themselves. As you rightly say, there is some weird family dynamic going on and I think it would be a mistake to allow yourself to get mixed up in it other than supporting your H and talking it through with him if he wants to. Her parents can bail her out if she is struggling if they choose to and if they choose not to, they have no right to ask your H to.

Of course you should not give her the money, esp when they have recently inherited such a large sum.

Ask your dh what's going on.

And maybe agree never to give anyone money without talking to each other first.

Thanks - you are all right. I think I just can't be arsed to get involved in petty rows but I also don't want to see my nieces and nephews suffer.

I think the parents think he owes it as they paid for his education? It's all very stupid and stubborn, but the reality is that my SIL could really be struggling. I might just tell my DH I'm going to give her some money and he should man up - he is 50 not 15.

I don't think you should give money unless you both agree, it's family money.

I also think that your SIL is your PIL's responsibility first and foremost, so I can see where your DH is coming from. If they can afford to support her then why should he? However, since they're choosing not to, your DH needs to think seriously about whether he's happy to sit back and watch her struggle. It sounds like there's a lot of backstory here about family expectations and everyone expecting your DH to step up, while they ignore his children. I can understand why he would want to take a stand, otherwise where do the expectations end.

That said, if his problem is that he's jealous because his sister gets more support, she's a single parent, he has you and if that's his only problem, he needs to grow up.

I might just tell my DH I'm going to give her some money and he should man up - he is 50 not 15.

He did man up, its a shame you don't see it. Its not the job of parents to be the go-betweens for their adult children, that's family drama. His sister is not 15, so she can speak up for herself, to him. But if DH is 50 his parents are presumably in their 70s and, coming into such a large sum, perhaps rather than money this is more about transferring dependency.

He is a very lovely person normally - the whole family just seem to be being a bit silly. And while they play sill games, the rent is not being paid. He certainly has nothing to be jealous of - and PIL are a bit nuts. I'm not sure I would want them more involved in our lives anyway. I sometimes think I'm better off without any extended family when I am watching them!

My dh wouldn't be angry if I gave her money, but maybe I need to persuade him to do it.

Why do you need to persuade him to give her money? Why can't you respect his wishes not to?

Because it's not ok for my SIL and her children to be struggling, when we could help them out. If it was a neighbour/colleague or stranger he would happily give them some money! He usually gives quite a bit to charity at Christmas, and it feels wrong when his own family are struggling.

I feel a responsibility to my nephews and nieces too - and we often have different views on things - I don't see it as disrespectful?

So your sil de friended you on FB? She sounds like a piece of work involving you in this in such a childish way.

I would find out what exactly has happened first op. Perhaps your sil has done something. Your pil shouldn't be ordering any adult about either when it comes to money.

No child owes their parent money their parents decided to spend on the as a child.

Bloody hell, they all sounds nuts. Perhaps your dh is the only sane one and is refusing to engage anymore.