Making it okay after behaving badly

[jackanora]

My last serious relationship ended very, very, very badly and left me uite damaged and although I did all the right things and have had plenty of time, I have found myself being awful to my new boyfriend.

He is very new (seeing since August) and I have really behaved appalingly at times. I have apologised, but I am not sure if it's too late.

The first month I never made time to see him and would cancel plans at the last minute. After a night together I could not shove him out of the door fast enough. I even carried on dating other people (although we weren't exclusive I definitely wasn't honest about it and he would be very upset if he knew). After being so hard to get and dismissive, in the second month I flipped to being ultra clingy and pushing and testing him. Massive drama over very small things. Finishing one day because I felt his text was a "bit off".

He is a chilled out and understanding guy and he patiently talked me back from the edge of madness each time and wasn't judgemental and just discussed it until I felt better. My friends have also been amazing and have let me know it's understandable to be affected after what I have been through but that I musn't let my past sabotage my future.

I have much better control now and feel much calmer and more stable and he and I are still seeing each other and have made it exclusive.

The problem is really that I worry, despite what he says about not being fussed over it all, that maybe the damage is done and it's too late now. He says he wants to continue seeing each other but he is much less enthusiastic, calls less, ends text conversations faster and I've only seen him twice this month because he's not making time anymore.

I realise it's completely my own fault, but do you think the damage is done and can't be undone? I know he has been kind and supportive and is a great guy but at the same time I have been in the doghouse for a month now, which he denies, but which I most definitely am and I really wanted advice on how best to play it.

I am a really good girlfriend, not clingy or needy or dramatic and I have just behaved like someone else. I am not sure what came over me, I was just scared.

I disagree with the previous two posters about walking away. What would it achieve for you? That isn't what you want is it?

I think you have work to do on yourself in therapy or otherwise...but don't we all. Few people are free of battle scars unless they have been a hermit.

You seem to have a fairly good sense of who you are and what you need. You have also been able to have an open dialogue with him about these issues. He appears to have been honest with you and willing to talk. Many men can't even manage that!

So, why not be patient, take this time to work on yourself, reflect, build your emotional resilience and enjoy the time you do spend together. Be light, be happy, be cool. No drama, no pressure.

Relationships don't have to evolve over night. If you watch the kettle it takes ages to boil...so find other things you love and get busy.

And also...worth mentioning...I find it extremely difficult due to my history to analyse "normally", the behavior of other people. And while some people's behavior is clear and perfectly easy to interpret; with others you need to have a more chilled out attitude.

I had a relationship previously for five months after by DP did what he did and experienced none of this anxiety. We went on a first date, then he called at the right time and we went on the second date. He texted constantly, phoned all the time and saw me most nights during the week - leaving me no time to question or worry. That said, I didn't love him, so it wansn't right.

This man is diferrent and I don't think he likes me less but he is less interested in jumping in guns blazing, and he is less available time wise because he has a much busier life and he is also less verbose and easy to read and comes with his own insecurities and defences. On top of that, I like him much, muhc more so all that has combined to bring out the worst in me.

I do know that might be a bad combination, that we might like each other but I might not have the stability emotionally to cope with a relationship like this right now, or it might be that I am letting the past ruin the future and need to find a way to work with the sense of uncertainty.

I am just trying to figure out which.

A huge part of me wants to cut it off and walk away so I can avoid the difficult feelings and sense of vulnerablity and another part of me thinks it's quite silly to do that.

No Marxist. It isn't what I want. The only reason I would walk away now is based on assumptions of my own that his behavior, contrary to what he is saying, is because he doesn't like me enough and far of me getting hurt - which the old me (who was much stronger) would think was the most stupid reason ever.

What I want is for me to get the hell over the confidence issues and fears and enjoy dating someone I really like for once without having 100% proof he is never going to hurt me.

I don't want to spend my life pushing away anyone I really like

Sabotage seems good. Like ripping off the plaster quickly. But what do you gain?

You feel insecure...deal with it. Tell him you find him hard to read and sometimes need a bit of reassurance and then find ways of building your esteem and emotional resilience.

You don't grow or develop as a person by cutting off your nose or by avoiding your fears. And you can't build relationships without having the strength to accept you are also going to be vulnerable.

Op I am telling you what you already know. You seem very self aware

Yes, I agree Marxist. That fits with my philosphy on life so I think I need to find ways to self soothe in this situation.

Might turn out he's not that into me or completely EA but I'd like to find out

I think what I am looking for is a guaranteed action plan to ensure I don't get heartbroken. I think your posts just reminded me no such thing actually exists.

I do think I might let him know which specific behaviors cause anxiety though - the main one being not seeing him for ages!

thanks Marxist. I do already know. But honestly...completely have no ability to trust my own judgement!

No:1 on the action plan

1. trust my own judgement

Number two should be

2. I'm feeling emotionally anxious....hide phone!

Very good advice!!!

I have actually chilled out somewhat naturally a little bit as (sorry to admit as it sounds awful) I put him through awful drama and he kept coming back and went to a lot of effort to talk it out. I didn;t plan it that way but it's given me a little sense that he must have some intention towards me or at least me a basically decent person.

I really have stopped checking the phone!

Hi jackanora
Started reading your thread the other day and just caught up.
I have been in a relationship with a totally lovely man for most of 2015 & I was in a very horrible one before. I didn't know the impact that previous one had on me til I met current BF.
My behaviour throughout the year has been so up & down. I did the 'dumping for ridiculous reasons' twice) the pushing away, the clingy all of it! Was so shocked at how I behaved! It's reassuring to know there's someone else out there doing what I did...doesn't make you feel very good tho, dies it? I'm better than I was after some counselling but not 100% convinced that he's not gonna run away & find a low maintenance lady... He too seeks to panic when keen, but since the counselling I seem to naturally be able to play it cooler, which helps ...
I don't really have any advice but just wanted to share my similar experiences.

Thansk so much for the post Robotgirl! Just makes me feel less of a dick. I honestly don't see it when I am doing it and afterwards am mortified. It just takes over. I know at times he does things which might cause questions...but the reaction is disproportionate and counter productive. I used to be diferrent. Hate it!

Yeah I've definitely felt like a dick a lot of times. Quite surprised that he's still wanting us to be together.
I'm a single mum & really really busy so when I get exhausted I'm pretty hard work - but he seems to get that. I think.
You seem very good at recognising your behaviour & you seem to have lots of self awareness.
I hope whatever happens, it turns out in the best possible way.

I think the hardest part is knowing where the line is of where you are a dick or someone else is. Certainly so for me. But in my darkest places I look back on DP and had absolutely no bloody clue he was planning to leave me so it's created a fear in me that I NEED to know what people are thinking. Being honest for a year or so afterwards I was genuinely worried my family and friends didn't like me. I just felt so bewildered really.

I am good at recognising behavior...after...as in by the time it's too late. I have to calm

I have to say, observing this guy he is a massive procrastinator / poor planner and that might be some of it. Never seen anyone take so logn to get things done. Might be frustrating in the long run