What do I do?

[Grapeeatingweirdo]

I'm in a relationship with a lovely and caring beautiful man. I consider myself to be really lucky because he is warm, kind and very loving.

The good:

He is lovely to look at in a quirky, tall and lanky way. I can't get enough of him physically. He is gorgeous.

He is practical and gets things done most of the time. He can fix anything broken and solve any logistical problem, he's a superhero.

He is affectionate and loves cuddles and all sorts of physical contact.

He's domesticated and loves to keep things clean, tidy and looking good. We could go and stay somewhere for one night and he will have made into a home from home in five minutes. He's very homely when he is here.

He's got two great kids and an ex I get on well with. It's taken us a few years to work each other out but there is genuine affection between us all, to the extent where we have all been away together.

The bad points:

He is still married - and lied about being divorced for a year and a half. I found out the truth four and a half years ago and nothing has changed. He doesn't want to rock the boat.

He drinks too much and stays out all night, often obliterating the next day as well, as a result of the hangover.

He can be verbally quite cutting when he gets a bee in his bonnet or is drunk, but he has worked hard to improve on this.

So, I'm 30 now and stuck. I love him so much and just want to be happy with him but I was very humiliated over the divorce thing and I still feel like the family joke.

What would you do?

Ditch

I have to look at you in all this; why is your relationship bar so low?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your parents show you.

You perhaps are your own worst enemy - you are not really stuck but you choose to be so.

All this is not love at all but perhaps more based upon an unhealthy co-dependency. Do you really need someone to rescue and or save you in a relationship?. All his helping you counts for nothing when he has strung you along for years on end. You are wasting your life on this person and he knows it too. Why do you not?

Is this really the relationship with a man you want; he is after all emotionally abusive, still married and a drunkard. He hit paydirt when he met you didn't he?.

The good points are all great. But as soon as you got to the negatives, they are irrelevant.
I was in an abusive relationship and now I am in a relationship with a man who has all the good points with none of the bad ones.
Ditch him, do some self reflection/therapy about your relationship expectations and you'll end up with someone you deserve and who deserves you.

Wow - I don't think there are any positives that could outweigh those negatives

Both the married and the drinking are deal breakers. The combination is impossible.

He has the power to change both of his negative points if he chooses to. He chooses not to.

if you settle for him you will waste years of your life

The negative points completely obliterate the positive points. Get rid. Find someone who is actually available.

Did you meet this person at a low point in your life too; perhaps when you were coming out of a bad (perhaps that relationship was abusive too?) relationship yourself?. I ask this as I think you were and have been exploited by him all along; he has used your own self and good points really against you. You were targeted by this manipulative and abusive individual and ruthlessly so.

Men like this one take an awful long time to recover from and this is also where counselling and Womens Aid Freedom Programme can help you as well in terms of rebuilding your life.

Attila, you are incredibly perceptive and you've been bang on in your two posts.

I was coming out of a physically abusive relationship when I met DP. I had made the decision to leave before I met him.

He does have a lot of good points as a person and we have worked through the issues that made him verbally abusive when he was drunk. He drinks less in the week, he gives me space when he is getting to me and I need to walk away and calm down.

He's also loving and kind and generous.

This is why it's hard for me to see the wood for the trees. We have looked after each other at different points. He looked after me when I was damaged from an anorexia battle and my last relationship during the first year, I then looked after him when he lost his job.

I'm sorry but a loving, kind man doesn't lie and behave the way he does.

Thought so sadly.

You have basically swapped one abusive man for another abusive man, albeit of a different stripe but abusive all the same.

If you want an emotionally healthy relationship it is not with this current person. He is a highly manipulative and cunning individual who has managed to drag you down with him to the low point you are at now in your life.

You can dig yourself out of the hole he has dug for you but you need to be strong and break free of him.

The last thing you need when you do leave this person is yet another relationship because your radar and boundaries are well skewed. You also need to work out what it is that attracted you to these types in the first place.

When I read the good points I thought wow, he sounds like a lovely man but as soon as I got to the bad and you wrote that he lied before I even got to the rest that would be a big no no to me.

I don't believe people are all bad or all good. None of us are perfect and we all have our faults. I think I would be asking myself if he has lied about being divorced which is a big thing what else is he lying to you about.

You are young and have no dcs together. You have the world at your feet. I think the fact that you have written this post you know in your heart of hearts that there are massive red flags in this relationship.

You deserve to be with someone that doesn't lie to you and treats you with respect.

It is hard when you are in the midst of it but you need to take heed now of what he has and is doing to you.

One damaged person in a relationship plus one damaged person in a relationship simply equals two damaged people in a relationship. Your over reliance on him was never healthy nor has been you putting him on a pedestal (calling him a superhero etc). You've basically tried to rescue him (that never works out well anyway) and he has used all your good points to abuse you in return.

You and he should not be at all together, this was a disaster from the beginning and he has lied to you throughout. He thinks that you are a complete mug.

This relationship is co-dependency at its very worst. His abuse of you is also about power and control.

He does have a lot of good points as a person

Yes love - they all do. That is how they hook you in.

Otherwise you wouldn't have been interested, no?

Most of the positives I would say are just the minimum you'd expect from a partner tbh (kind, domesticated etc). The negatives, lying and excessive drinking are two traits I personally couldn't abide. Without honesty there is no relationship and my family has a massive history of alcohol abuse, it never ends well for anyone.

You have swooped an 10/10 abuser for a 5/10 abuser

Doesn't change the fact that this is an unhealthy relationship

The only acceptable score should be a big fat zero

The drinking would be an immediate deal-breaker for me. I enjoy a couple of glasses of wine, but anyone over 25 who is still regularly drinking to the point where they get crippling hangovers needs to take a long hard look at themselves.

I'm assuming that at some point, you will want to marry and have children of your own. Unfortunately, it's not going to be with this man. He has no intention of marrying you, and can you imagine trying to deal with his drinking and hangovers with a baby in the house? NOPE.

You've been with him since you were 25 and he's lied to you, goes out on benders and his good points don't outweigh his bad. He's not a superhero!

How old is he? And where does he live?

He could change the bad points very easily, he's chosen not to-this is why you should walk away.

Just because he's got a good body and knows how to arrange a cushion, it doesn't mean that's enough to keep you in the relationship.

The drinking - nothing you can say or do can affect this - he will continue until he wants to stop.

The nastiness - I couldn't recover from that. I'd be smarting years later.

Telling you he's divorced - unforgiveable. Never get involved with a liar, never mind someone who lies about something that affects you as much as this.

His family - great that you like his children, but when you think about it, you are going on holiday with him and his wife. The fact she doesn't mind you sleeping with him doesn't matter. (Just out of interest, does she have a partner too? If not, do you sleep with him on holiday?)

You are 30 and the decision you make now will stay with you for good. If you let yourself have another chance at a good relationship and learn from what's happened, you will have a fantastic future. If you don't, you won't.