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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'd love some advice...

44 replies

anotherfakename · 06/11/2015 20:40

My first post. Please be gentle...

I've been with my fiance for almost ten years now. We've never lived together, I live on my own and can't afford to have him live with me. He works part-time (15 hours a week) and even before he got this job, he said that he only ever wants to work part-time. That would be okay if it was a well paid job but it's not. He has said before that if we moved in together that he could pay for broadband and a couple of other things, I could pay for rent, council tax, bills... wtf.

I've talked to him several times about what I want for the future, asked him what he wants. He says he wants a house, wedding, kids, to travel etc. Yet when I say that we'll need to earn more (I'm actually saying he will tbh), he goes in a huff.

I'd just really like to get some opinions from people who don't know me or my fiance. What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 06/11/2015 22:16

Only stay with this man if you are prepared to finance just about everything. It gets much harder when you have children, and it would seem that you are starting off with a child... He doesn't want to take financial responsibility for himself, does he?!

ouryve · 06/11/2015 22:24

If he wants to travel, then why the hell hasn't he found more work to fund it with?

Because he's expecting you to, that's why.

It's not like he's a kid, just starting out, who has never had the chance to fund such adventures. He's had a decade and more of adulthood to fulfil such a wish.

I'm guessing by this post that you're re-evaluating the relationship and you're definitely right to do so. You have the choice of drift on as you are, which I suspect you don't want to do, or issue an ultimatum.

Unless he pulls his finger out, I reckon you have no future. You do not want to ever buy a house with him, unless he puts himself on a more equal footing. You also don't want to have kids with him, as he sounds too lazy to pull his weight as a SAHD.

kerbs · 06/11/2015 22:24

What has happened in the last ten years? Not much from the sound of it.

If the next ten years are similar, you will be childless. Kick start your life OP, move on.

Norest · 07/11/2015 00:01

Aww you're not a fool.

I guess on the plus side at least he is upfront about it - he only wants to work a little bit and wants others to pick up the rest. Plenty of people are like this, but they cover it up with excuses or pretending they will change, or have 'ishoos' which mean they currently can't do X or Y (when actually it's mostly laziness or an overblown sense of entitlement that others / the world owes them a living etc) and so on.

He is being extremely clear he will expect you to support him (and any children you might have) and is a-ok with this thinking. That is highly unlikely to change I think.

So I guess your options are - stay as you are with him, not living together and not getting married or having a family. Have him move in and get married and have kids etc knowing you will be doing it all for the rest of your time with him. Or....

Go find someone worthy of your time who is not an overblown teen thinking life ought to get handed to him for doing sod all.

(pick option three! )

Original poster

anotherfakename · 07/11/2015 00:07

When he's not working, he likes to go see his friends or watch films.

Reckon my self-esteem must be really low then to have put up with this. It's not normal to put up with this crap but I suppose I've became used to it. Ugh.

So how do I start running (or ambling, thanks JoyceDivision for the much needed lol) for the hills? Even thinking about it makes me feel nervous.

OP posts:

Original poster

anotherfakename · 07/11/2015 00:10

Thanks Norest, overblown teen totally sums him up! It's really hard to think what life would be like if I move on... but I like option three

OP posts:

TheUnwillingNarcheska · 07/11/2015 09:48

"So how do I start running (or ambling, thanks JoyceDivision for the much needed lol) for the hills? Even thinking about it makes me feel nervous."

And that is the reason you have stayed. Because you didn't want to be alone so you accepted this relationship. You are worth so much more than this.

As you do not live together or have children this is fairly simple. You return the engagement ring if you have one, and you say this isn't going to work out long term. Then you turn around and leave.

You print this thread out and highlight the bits that tell you this is a bad relationship.

You block his number or see this as an opportunity to change your number.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 07/11/2015 09:58

To be blunt, if you want children this is not the guy to be hitching your wagon to. If you absurdly know you don't want kids then continue as you are as he seems fairly harmless, just a bit of a waste of space.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 07/11/2015 09:59

*absolutely know

Original poster

anotherfakename · 07/11/2015 14:43

I definitely want to have kids. To the point that I'm starting to get quite upset (in private) when I hear someone else is pregnant The thought of being alone is really quite scary. But the more I read all of your replies, the more I think that being with him would almost feel like being alone anyway if I'm the one who is doing everything. Feel like I've wasted all these years.

OP posts:

Seeyounearertime · 07/11/2015 14:50

Then make changes now, the sooner you do, the longer you'll have being happy. :)

ReadFox · 07/11/2015 14:55

You are really young. Go on line op and go for men about 36 and be REALLY upfront about the fact that you want a long term relationship with the right that will lead to marriage. I've realised you don't get what YOU want if you try to be cool girl. Also be upfront in a chatty non-slagging off way that your last relationship ended because he wasn't father material.

notmynameohno · 07/11/2015 14:59

"Doesn't want to work full-time as he won't have enough time to do the things he likes doing". Most people feel like this but recognise our responsibilities & want to be fair to our partners. While you are doing three jobs he is enjoying downtime. Sorry, the man is a loser.

Being alone might seem scary but you might actually find it liberating to be free of a dead weight.

ReadFox · 07/11/2015 15:16

I'm a single parent to two children and I work more hours than he does. He has his parents and you to look after him, and no children and he can only manage 15! It's not like he's doing voluntary work, or writinng a book, or even if he had a hobby he was really seriously committed to, like a sport or amateur dramatics, then it might not come across as PURE laziness, but the way you tell it, it seems like laziness. Even when men aren't lazy, I think women end up doing more at home, for social and cultural reasons. This guy has shown you his true colours. he's not going to be an aware man who will meet you half way with the earning and the work. YOu'd be pushing water uphill your whole life, peddling furiously, and choking on the resentment. Well, you'd be a sainnt if you could do it without massive resentment!

Jeffreythegiraffe · 07/11/2015 15:37

Running is easy, you aren't living with him and you have no ties to him. Think of this as a good thing.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 07/11/2015 15:55

I agree with jeffrey You aren't living together, you have no assets to divide, your money isn't joint - this should be an easy peasy break up. My Dad has a phrase for people like your OH...."He's got champagne tastes and shandy money"

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/11/2015 16:00

"The thought of being alone is really quite scary."

It really doesn't have to be. Freedom. Freedom to make choices. Freedom to date someone worthy of you who actually has ambitions they have a fair chance of achieving by their own efforts. Unlike the current lacklustre, can't-be-arsed loser being subbed by his Mum and Dad and looking to you to do likewise.

To be honest, someone like you, with huge amounts of get-up-and-go, three jobs, THREE JOBS! is unlikely to be single for long. If that's what you want.

Jeffreythegiraffe · 07/11/2015 16:56

I had an ex who had no ambition, worked part time after finishing uni and had no money so I ended up paying for everything. It was worse as we lived together. Claimed to be job searching (he applied for one), and spent his days playing computer games. I no longer loved him but also didn't respect him. We eventually broke up and you know what my DM said? Thank God you didn't get married or have children with him. She was so right.

A few years on and I'm married to a wonderful man who is an excellent father to our DC. If you stay you'll end up being his mum, as that's what he wants. You'll be subsidising him and running around after him. He can't be bothered. It's easier to be lazy and expect everyone else to do everything for him. And it'll be 100 worse if you have children. Heard the term cocklodger?

Of course being alone after such a long time is scary, but it may well be a relief (it was for me). But it's better to spend some time on your own than with someone who thinks of you as their bank account and excuse to coast through life.

Jeffreythegiraffe · 07/11/2015 16:57

You are worth so much more than this.

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