decree Nisi and court order sealed, don't know how to feel

[Goodbetterbest]

I mean, I just feel so disposable.

We separated a year ago, he's away with his girlfriend at the moment and my solicitor told me today the court order has been approved, and the Decree Nisi granted, so I can apply for the Absolute in a couple of weeks.

There was no fight for me, I held no value for him... It's just done. After 15 years it's chin up and move on. But it's NOT is it? I'm worth so much more and I KNOW that, but I just can't process how I feel. I'm sad at the waste, the children don't know what an utter bastard he is. I tolerate him for them, he's deluded that this is how life is after years of affairs and emotional abuse.

And he wants to be here Christmas morning to see the kids open their presents, have his parent round and have lunch with us.

I want to punch him in the face.

OP

His actions do not mean you are disposable. At all. Your reaction is totally natural.

Why on earth would you have his parents and him over for Christmas lunch on Christmas Day???? Maybe I'm odd on this one. STBXH will not be crossing my threshold or coming in the house irrespective of what he may want to do.

He lost that right when he stuck his dick in persons other than me. As has yours.

Oh and the punch in the face? I'm with you on that feeling too!!!

Thanks for you reply Toosassy. I need to make sense of it.

How does it work with the kids if you don't let your XH in? XH doesn't realise how fucking lucky he is that he has access (he refuses to put an access agreement in place, or have all 4 DCs at the same time). If I go out and he looks after them, he does it here -staying over if necessary. I hate it. Last time I went out he phoned me at midnight to tell me he was tired and going home. (Oldest is 13). I came home. So I won't ask him again. He was a glorified babysitter, he isn't even that anymore. But the kids love him and DD asked if he could stay over Christmas Eve so he could be here in the morning. They have no idea.

He takes one or two, he wants 2DCs to sleep over at his every Sunday (I don't like it - I don't like that he has friends staying in tier beds and doesn't change the sheets but that's my issue I guess!) he refused to let then have so much as a drawer each there to keep their stuff in. He moved to a too-small flat two streets away, and is talking about his gf buying a flat for her and her LO in the same area.

Mostly I just want I exclude him from our lives, but I can't so I have to tolerate him. It all seems to be on his terms.

You'll feel a lot better when you put in place some serious boundaries with your ex. You don't have to 'obey', his commands and demands and you don't need to be emotionally manipulated 'because its Christmas'. Equally, you don't have to feed him or his parent on the day itself. There is no law in the land that states you have to be a pushover for anyone so stop thinking you have to comply with what other people want.
Its incredibly liberating you know, to tell people who disrespect you, use you and abuse you to get stuffed. Try it.

he wants to be here Christmas morning to see the kids open their presents, have his parents round and have lunch with us

That won't be happening, will it? He can have his gf slaving over a hot stove for him and his dps on the 25th and create another Christmas Day with presents for his dc after collecting them on Boxing Day.

You can apply for the decree absoute 6 weeks and 1 day after the nisi has been granted and when it arrives you'll have 2 documents to frame and hang in the loo.

The dreams you had on your wedding day may not have come true, but it can't be said the intervening years have been wasted as you have your wonderful dcs and have grown in wisdom and maturity to the extent that you have the confidence protect them from their df's excesses.

You've become a fully fledged woman of the world whose experiences have made you a pearl beyond price - don't ever allow yourself to be undervalued again.

It's all behind you ... and it's all ahead of you. Make a happy life for you and your dc and grow them into well-rounded and confident individuals who are not conflicted by their dps' separation and divorce.

Hey

Pick up/ drop off is done on doorstep.
Any time spent together (which we do still do once a month or so) is done in a public place. Park/ restaurant etc.

For Christmas I have made it clear that on my Xmas I will be abroad seeing family and as such on his Xmas he is welcome to take them away and do something fun.
The DC's did initially say they wanted to spend Xmas with all of us. But when I clearly said that would involve getting changed out of Xmas pyjamas and out to a place serving Xmas lunch they very quickly said that wasn't what they wanted. I've made it exciting as I've basically said that they get two Xmas's this way.

You need to put access arrangements in place. And he needs to make sure he has them at his at the same time. He CANNOT be staying at your house overnight, that must just feel so intrusive.

Get yourself a babysitter and don't rely on him. The good news is that since your eldest is 13, you can feel comfortable leaving them all with a babysitter with one of the children being that old.

You need to put some boundaries in and get him out of your personal space. DO NOT be cooking them Xmas lunch.

Has a child arrangements order been made in respect of the dc as part of the divorce proceedings or is that yet to be put into place?

If not, absolutely what pallasthena has said; there's no reason whatsoever why he should see the dc in your home or, indeed, cross your threshold again, nor should he be able to choose which of the dc stay overnight with him - it has to be all of them or none of them otherwise it is patently unfair to the ones who are denied contact with him on those occasions.

If he doesn't like the new order he can lump it apply to the courts for contact at which time he'll find that all of his dcs needs are of paramount importance which trumps any half-baked plans he makes for contact with some and not others.

When suggesting that your dcs can become well-round individuals without being conficted by divorce, I didn't have it in mind that they should be sheltered from the reality of your/their altered circumstances but that they should be encouraged to freely express their feelings while being taught valuable life lessons. Llife doesn't always go the way we want and the earlier dc learn how to overcome adversity and turn negative experiences into positives the better.

The boundaries you put in place with your ex will not only enhance your sense of self-esteem, but will also enable your dc to understand that it can be necessary to distance ourselves from situations that make us unhappy and from those who attempt to have power over us. This doesn't mean that they'll see their father as being controlling, but they will see you as being resolute in your determination to do right by them and by yourself.

Tell your dd who wants to have her df stay over on Christmas Eve this won't be possible now that you're no longer married, but she'll get to have 2 Christmases when celebrating with her df on Boxing Day.

Tell all of your dc that this Christmas is a time for setting new traditions such as each choosing a favourite food to have, voting on what films/tv to watch and what games to play, deciding how they're going to decorate their home, and generally planning the day according to how they'd like it to be minus the presence of their df/his dps.

Stand firm, stand strong, and know that in doing so you are setting the very best example for your dc.

.

Thank you everyone for your kind, considered posts and for taking the time to reply.

I will take on board the new traditions, and we'll have a talk about what they'd like.

XH has no intention of doing his own thing with them. It hasn't occurred to him (he is away to work Christmas Day evening and thereafter). It is always what works for him.

The trouble is he is terribly overbearing. I'm not scared of him, but he bamboozles me and makes me flustered and question myself. I question whether it is worth the hassle of his wrath. Then of course I get the 'I pay for this house' and his 'entitlement' to being here.

I'm going to have to dig deep, aren't I?

Yes you are OP. You must dig deep

When you apply for the decree absolute, child access arrangements and financials need to have been hammered out and agreed. They are filed alongside for that.

Are financials sorted? It sounds as though the access arrangements are not.
Regarding the home. Once the divorce is through he may pay for it, he may retain equity in it. But he will not have the right to come and go as he pleases. He only has that right until the divorce is issued.

Do you have a good lawyer OP? If he unsettles and flusters you, it is lovely to break that dynamic with the help of someone who doesn't get flustered (a good lawyer). It also helps when that person can see through the bluster and quickly uncover the bully that lies beneath.

You can do this OP.

Please don't let this man continue to have control over you OP. You must for your own sake set some ground rules and stick to them no matter how angry he gets.

I didn't initially. Due to the needs of one of my DC my ex used to come here for access. It ended after he went through all my things and told me he'd burnt my passport to try to stop me going for a weekend away. He hadn't but I didn't find that out until weeks later. He used to regularly phone and say he was leaving the kids as he'd had enough, meaning I had to leave anything I was doing and go home. It got to the point where there was no point in me going out as I knew I'd have to go home usually within an hour or two. Which was exactly what he wanted. I also mistakenly let him come here for Christmas the first year because my son asked if we could all spend the day together. It was dire. He sulked, tried to guilt trip me and generally made everyone miserable the whole day. It was awful so please bear that in mind. Your children may be disappointed initially but they'll get over it. They really will.

After the passport incident I resolved that he'd never cross my doorstep again. Decided I'd rather not have any respite than have to put up with the rubbish he was dealing out.

We're eight years down the line now and if he decides he wants the kids, I drop them off at his Mum's and he sees them there (his choosing). Life got much easier once I'd established ground rules and he couldn't control me any more. He got angry at first and ramped other things up for a while, but when he realised I wasn't budging he accepted it.

I hope you manage to find a way that works for you OP. Good luck

Thank you.

I absolutely mean that. You are reinforcing what I know, but I need support, an I am very grateful for your kind and wise words.

Life is extremely busy and I don't have time to sit and think, let alone talk it through. I am truly grateful.

Holy cow. Don't let him be with you on Christmas Day. No way.

He had to make his own arrangements.

Yes the dcs love him. But they will have to learn it's changed now.

What do YOU want for your Christmas for example? Do you want him there? If not, say so.

If your dcs want to see him, he can sort his own stuff out with them.

Good you've lifted a huge, dead weight of your shoulders. It's time to start making fresh new traditions for you and your children. He's your ex now and you simply tell him that he and his parents will not be coming round Christmas Day and he needs to make his own arrangements. Stay strong and set a positive example to your children.

Your relationship with him is finished. His relationship with his children is a completely separate thing and it is his responsibility to organise it and carry it out. Your responsibility ends at making the children available when he organises contact and comes to get them.

He does not get to come in your house. He does not get to bring his parents. He basically does not get to have his existing family stay in suspended animation for him to walk in and out as it suits him while going home to his OW. He wants his cake and to eat it: two women facilitating him doing what he wants when he wants it.

I was a child in a household like this and my DF (in many ways a lovely man) wanted exactly this. He couldn't understand why my mother wanted a divorce. He wanted her to maintain his house and his kids and the exact life he'd walked away from to live with new exciting partner, but wanted to be able to walk back in and live a few hours of his old life when he wanted, for as long as he wanted. He needed a serious reality check and for my DM to make clear that he had walked away from that life and it was over now.

My parents tried the 'coming home for Christmas for the kids' sake' for a few years. It was terribly confusing for me and sibs. We wanted it - actually we wanted to go back in time to before they split up, we wanted 'normal' back. Of course we did, we were grieving for the loss of that stability. But to have him back for a few hours was a painful return to that stability except it was different and tense and there was the huge grief of him leaving again. It was awful and it delayed all of us coming to terms with the separation, and they were a block of really horrible Christmasses for everyone. It would have been much better had we right from the first year started the new traditions and routine of a separated Christmas, it would have been painful but less confusing and we'd have moved on faster.

Sometimes in divorce situations the best thing to say to kids is yes, I know you're very sad. Yes I hear you wish very much this wasn't happening, this is really hard for you. It's ok to be sad. And talk about ways of handling those feelings together rather than try to fix the cause. Comfort, reassurance, being with them through those feelings is enough. It's sad for everyone in a family when the family breaks up and it's normal to be sad for a while. Your Ex needs to get a handle on that too, he is going to have to face the loss of what he's walked away from and realise that his relationship with his kids is his responsibility. Not yours.

Hi op

As has always been said on here many a time

He cannot bamboozle you when "NO" is a complete sentence rinse and repeat

If your divorce is finalised, then presumably the house you live in is now yours - correct? He may have paid for it initially (with joint marital funds presumably), but if you and the DC are still living there it sounds like you were awarded it as part of the divorce settlement. If that is correct then he has no further say in it and he cannot cross the threshold without your say-so.

To that end I would, if you haven't done so already, change the locks. Do not allow him inside any more. Its YOUR home now and he has forfeited the right to enter it by divorcing you. Hold your ground. And FGS don't have him over at Christmas. If he wants to play happy families with his kids and his parent he can bloody well do it at his own place. You need to get tough OP. He sounds like an abusive arse, but you're 99% rid of him, so congratulations. Just hold your ground and he'll eventually get the message that you're no longer under his control

We've always alternated it, for eg. if they stay at ExH Christmas Eve, then they will be with me by say 11am Christmas Day and have lunch here. Then back to ExH for Boxing Day morning and have Boxing day lunch there (another roast). I'm amazed that his GF would be ok with him sleeping at yours on Christmas Eve? If you were really wicked you could play some head fuckery with her about that