My husband is just so distant...I'm so unhappy

[Louisa111]

My husband gradually over the past year has got more and more distant with me. Last year he got promoted which meant very long hours and it's been tough!! What's been even tougher is his 'friendship' with a work colleauge that sometimes I do suspect is something more.

But the thing that really upsets me is his behaviour towards me, I know he's always tired but he never asks about my day, if I didn't tell him what our toddler daughter had been doing he wouldn't ask.., the list goes on. If I bring it up all I get us I'm tired!!

We haven't been sexual for a while , lately it's me making the move big him so I've just given up. I'm so unhappy I found cry, I just don't know where this is heading.

I feel he's just stopped caring about me. He says he loves me, he's not having an affair he just really busy. I'm busy too trying to hold my job, a lively toddler , the house together but I haven't shut off completely... Just need some advice really???

So sorry you are going through all this. Your marriage is indeed in trouble.
Words are cheap OP and I would myself have trouble to believe him. People are not always busy 24/7/365; why is he not making time for you and his family unit?. Who is his primary loyalty to now?.

Have you talked about the lack of sex within your relationship and the fact you feel he has stopped caring about you?.

What does he say, if anything now, about the friendship with the work colleague?. What made you initially suspicious that it could be something more than just a platonic friendship?. Is all his emotional energy and caring side really now going towards her rather than you?.

Is he secretive with his phone?.

Louisa, I've posted on some of your previous threads. So sorry to hear your relationship hasn't improved. I think you should consider counselling. If your H won't go, then I would separate. From what you write, he shows no consideration for you or your child. He sounds very self involved. I hope you can find some happiness soon.

I know this sounds petty, but if he's not treating you as a wife, stop being his wife. No washing, cooking or errands for him. That will get his attention and force him to address his behaviour. That's if you want to try to fix things of course. You're allowed to walk away if you want to of course.

I'm frightened to walk away, although I do work he pays most of the household bills, I just wouldn't manage.
Things are ok on and off Lucy but these past few weeks have been awful. We haven't spoken all week . As for the phone Atilia , last year it went everywhere with him, in his pocket , in the bathroom etc and I confronted it then to be told I'm
Paranoid , there's no affair eye etc!! Although he's not hiding phone anymore his code has changed. I asked to use his phone a few weeks back and it was changed, his response was ' I did it a while ago' . He gave me the code but I was so stressed I didn't memorise properly. I've since tried to get into it but no luck. I have my suspicions they chat on messenger , he prob has it set up
So he doesn't get the notifications come up on main screen. I'm so confused about everything. I'm friends with her too on fb ( yes I know!! Long story! ) and messenger tells you when a person us last active, there is always similarities when they are online... For example his fb would be in active for 3 hours, so would hers... The minute he's home they will both be active the same time. At bedtime they will both stop being active at roughly the same time. I know this sounds crazy but YES I am checking up on these things. I just need answers

The more I question affair he says he isn't, the more I push him what's wrong , why are you distant etc.... All I get is I'm tired, stop nagging me!!!

It doesn't sound crazy. Sorry

Sorry this is your current situation. Rewind a year & I was in your position. Unfortunately my suspicions were confirmed when a affair with a co worker was revealed. I sincerely hope this is not the case with your marriage, it's the most painful experience of my life. My questioning & accusations were always met with denial (in a hostile manner) & I questioned my own sanity. All the signs were there. Ridiculous working hours, dreadful moods, distancing me, astronomical phone bills, missing condoms, guarded with phone, and sadly snail trails on his boxer shorts when I was doing the laundry. Looking back I don't know if there was anything else I could've done to get him to tell the truth- maybe phone his boss as all his colleagues knew. I hope for you that he honestly is just very tired & isn't up to anything, but dh had now told me he kept me at arms length on days he'd been with her ( hence his lack of interest in sex with me). I wish you well & as I've already said I hope he isn't being unfaithful, the consequences have been awful.

So sorry about what happened to you littlehomebird how did you finally find out??

I hope with my husband it's just tiredness but gut feeling tells me something is really wrong

I looked at itemised phone bills- the truth was staring me in the face. Even when I presented him with them (months & months worth) he still denied it. It took me 31 hours with no sleep to get him to confess. It's been truly horrific. He was asked to resign 24 hours after his confession. I don't know how you could get to the truth but it was sleep deprivation which finally worked for me. He was so tired he eventually gave up lying.

"I'm frightened to walk away, although I do work he pays most of the household bills, I just wouldn't manage".

Yes you would manage. You think however, that you cannot.

I think he checked out of this both physically and mentally at least a year ago and at the very least the trust is not there. No trust - no relationship.

You are unhappy and have been so for a long time. He is seemingly not at all bothered about this and accuses you of nagging. You do not actually need proof or permission to leave.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships?.

Would you really want to continue showing your child a really poor example of how a marriage is conducted particularly if you were to remain within this long term?. You really want to show her that yes, this is how men treat women within relationships?. She is learning from the two of you here as her parents, what is she learning?.

Does he talk openly about his colleague? My dh did. I was fed up hearing her mentioned all the time. I asked him repeatedly to distance himself from her & he stopped speaking about her. I gave him the benefit of the doubt & hoped he had taken my advice but no- when he stopped talking about her this is when the relationship became sexual.

How awful for you littkehomebird I hope you are happier now.

Yes he used to talk about her then it all went quiet. She got posted somewhere else and I got told they don't speak anymore. Fast forward to march this year and I found out it was a lie.
I should've gone bonkers then but I didn't, he convinced me nothing was going on, they were just work friends. I guess I've never moved forward from that lie.
We have had a chat this weekend and he assures me he's just really really tired. He doesn't realise he is doing it and 100% wants to be with me.
I made it clear that I don't feel loved and hate him being distant and he just said sorry.
I do feel like we are going round and round in circles though sadly

Louisa I hope you don't mind but I showed this thread to dh. Sadly he recognised your husbands behaviour as how he was behaving. Even if there has been no affair -whether emotional or physical- he must acknowledge that his behaviour towards you is totally unacceptable. He must cut all contact with this ow immediately if he values you & wants your marriage to work. I drove myself crazy and worried myself to the point of illness. I've lost over 2 stone & sometimes I shake. If he does not start to treat you as he should this will happen to you too. 5 months on I still wonder if I will recover completely. You must be his priority & that's the bottom line.

I had anxiety years ago and got through it, I'm having to go back to the doctors this week tongi on some meds as I am in a bad place. I have been the past year.
It's so hard, I'm torn between believing him and the fact he's tired to thinking that I'm sure there's much more going in than meets the eye. I just don't know what to do anymore but I do know one thing, I need to get myself stronger and be in a stronger place to cope with whatever I need to cope with.
It's almost like I'm
Waiting for the bombshell, the inevitable but it may never come!! I think they will always be in some sort of contact through work but what I need to know if he is messaging her while he's at home with me it's totally unexceptable.

I hope you and dh are working through it and you are ok xx

Rewind a year and I was exactly in your shoes. My STBXH was having an affair with his junior work colleague.
I tried so hard, held on so hard, thought it was a phase, didn't think I would survive a break up.
I found all the evidence on Facebook. He even had sex with her on Christmas Day after me and the kids were asleep.

It's been a very hard road but I don't have that sense on failure or confusion anymore, I KNOW he is a cunt rather than just wondering if he was

The wondering and suspiciousness is a horrible place to be. knowing is worse at first but better eventually. Your self-esteem just can't take that constant rejection.
I feel sick thinking about how I felt this time last year. I just think poor me. That fucker. The anger is better than that weak, debilitating sadness that makes you feel so bad.

Big hugs, I hope you get things sorted. You WILL be okay.

I agree with the post above. My dh said to me "I need more than you" & " you need to emotionally detach yourself from me". Those words have stuck with me & will never leave me. He now can't believe he even said them but admits he did. The constant rejection has diminished any self esteem I had. But- as you don't have anything concrete there still is hope that there's nothing going on. I completely understand why the not knowing is driving you mad. I wish I could advise you better but please know you're not alone & I'll help you if I can.

Have you heard about the 5 love languages? It's a book by Gary Chapman. He is a relationship counselor and his books are hugely popular. I have read the book myself and they are very good! My fiance and I would argue constantly to a point where i'd walk out or we'd be on the point of breaking up. But after reading this book, we understand eachother more and things have gotten muh better. Try reading this book and trying the advice inside... and get your husband to read it too. Hopefully it'll make some difference at least. I know your problem is MUCH more than arguements...It also talks about cheating partners etc.... but no harm in trying I guess.