Messy situation with exdp

[Canigetanythingright]

I need help as I don't have a clue what to do anymore.
I broke up with exdp a couple of years ago as he was cheating on me he is now living with the ow.
he's not the greatest dad infact far from it he always puts others and going out drinking with friends than spending time with them. We have no formal access in place he usually comes to see them at mine and when I ask if he can have them it turns into ww3 like they are an inconvenience to him and his new life.
Atm the dcs are really feeling it especially eldest ds who keeps saying he has no family because his daddy doesn't live with him as much as I try and reassure him that he has a family it's hard for him to understand.

We are constantly fighting and when we're not we are sleeping together which I know is wrong and I need to stop as its not only hurting me bit making it hard for me to move on because o do still care about him.
He now wants the ow in the kids lives but I am reluctant as I feel he doesn't want to see them unless she is involved and o didn't have children to hand them over to someone else.
He is coming round tomorrow to I suppose finally sort out arrangements for the dcs as we have had yet another row and I don't know what to say or do got the best anymore.

Please help.

I know it sounds as though I'm making excuses but I have done all of that. For eg I booked ticket to go and see the fireworks with the dcs he asked what I had planned so I told him that I'd already bought tickets and he went mad saying that I don't include him in anything they are doing. He just wants his cake and to eat it and I know myself that I have to stop allowing him family time when he is not really apart of out family anymore which was his choice.

Sorry, I'm a bit confused, where does he have the children then?

pick up dcs At mutual meeting point on a Sunday. I work weekends so that day is best for all of us If that works for you, that sounds good to me. What about him having them Saturday night too? I guess that particular night is unrealistic at this stage, but I think you need time to make friends, develop hobbies etc.

no more sleeping together Definitely, but I would just decide this in my head and not actually mention it to him.

set up a standing order for maintenance I think you should get legal advice on this one.

maybe collect dcs from school one day a week have dinner then bring them home Another good idea, but it has to be definite in your head. Don't mention it to him with "maybe" at the start of the sentence.

I booked ticket to go and see the fireworks with the dcs he asked what I had planned so I told him that I'd already bought tickets and he went mad saying that I don't include him in anything they are doing.

From now on you say, "We have plans". And that's it, no further detail.

it is worth claiming maintenance - and you won't pay fees unless they claim on your behalf. It is time you started standing up for yourself.

that's the thing he sees them he doesn't have them because he lives in a room they can't stay and he won't tell me where he lives so that also has to change.

Canigetanythingright As pp said you seriously need to detach and redefine your relationship. You are not together he has another partner. Until you get some definition and sanity in your relationship, stop trying to be a "family"

•pick up dcs At mutual meeting point on a Sunday.. I work weekends so that day is best for all of us As everyone above says, tell him he has a 10 minute window or your gone.

•no more sleeping together this is ludicrous, you are not bewitched. You are deciding to have sordid sex with him, so you make the decision to stop.

•set up a standing order for maintenance absolutely "formalise this side of your relationship.

•maybe collect dcs from school one day a week have dinner then bring them home If thats what you want go for it.

Sorry to be harsh but you need to seize control and keep it. Thats why its a good idea to write things down. Then when he misses, just point to your agremeent.

Why are you meeting him somewhere in between? So you have to drag the kids out to be disappointed?
No no no.

Unless you can't bear to have him collect (stay strong about not letting him in) then make him collect.
If that's not "fair" (it is: he chose to leave, and you do ALL the work with them) then offer to share drop offs at his. But no meeting points. That pisses you about, especially when he's not reliable.

Another good option is making the picks up from school. This means you don't see him. Also school can be told he is picking up, so ab outside party knows if he just doesn't show. You may find the arse can get himself out of bed when someone would see him look bad.