I had a sudden realisation the other day that throughout my childhood I was emotionally abused. I feel wrong for saying that but after looking at pages and pages of sites stating signs of emotional abuse, and signs of a narcissistic mother it all began to make sense. Yet part of me still doesn’t want to believe it because my mums not a horrible person, but she just isn’t and never was there for me emotionally, nor was my dad. When speaking to my hv I realised I can’t recall any memories at all before high school. I was always the ‘shy’ child. I used to go to my mum with any problems and sad feelings I had and was told to stop being so over sensitive, stop over reacting, grow up. I still continued to go to her with my problems even though deep down I knew she wouldn’t listen to me, I just hoped this time she would. The times I felt brave enough to defend myself she would make sure everyone knew I had upset her and turn my family against me until I apologised to her and even then she continued to give me the silent treatment for as long as she felt like it.
After a while I stopped going to her when I was upset and instead became withdrawn, I sat in my room, sometimes just sat thinking, sometimes crying, sometimes talking to people online. I didn’t particularly want to be by myself in my room but didn’t want to be brushed off again and leave feeling worse, but my parents didn’t understand, they started calling me weird all the time, to me, to each other, to my sisters, to my aunty. They were constantly calling me a hermit, a wierdo, 'cuckoo' and I felt so alone, I couldn’t understand why I was constantly rejected them, I did think it was just my mum at first but when my dad began to join in, it made me feel like it was me with the problem and I was all the things I was being called. I was unable to maintain friendships and became clingy in my relationships.
Sometimes it would get too much and I would break down, cry my eyes out in front of my mum and get angry when she continued to blame me for how I was feeling, she would call me mental, I remember hearing my dad come up the stairs and pray he was coming to help me, he didn’t, he accused me of being on drugs, telling my mum look at her pupils look, at one point he told my mum to ring the police and get me sectioned. I screamed at them I’m not on drugs I’ve never touched drugs in my life, I’m not mental I’m upset but they didn’t listen. I was in such a state I remember screaming at them to get out and leave me alone. I was tired of being told it was me all the time, I should have realised then that I was being abused but I didn’t.
When I did move out, I thought it would all stop and I thought it did but now I’ve realised it is still continuing, I wanted to apply for a particular university course but they convinced me to apply for a different course because the one I wanted to do had fewer places, they told me I wasn’t the right personality for the course I wanted to do, and that I should apply for the one they suggested because I would be more likely to get on. The sad thing is I followed their advice, I believed I wouldn’t get one of the places on the course I really wanted to do so I just didn’t apply for it. I regret that to this day because I will never be able to do that course now as I won’t get the funding. I have become a shell of a person, with no confidence or self-esteem, and no friends.
I am so lucky to have met dh who I lived with since I moved out, he has he has changed my life, and we now have our dd together. It wasn’t until I recently decided I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to be anxious about people thinking I’m weird, or stay in the house unless dp takes us out, I want friends, I want to be confident, and I want to find my identity, my real identity, not the one I was given through constant name calling. So I spoke to my hv, she is a lovely woman and for some reason I just feel like I can just open up to her, so I told her my concerns about wanting to be confident enough to take dd to classes, and meet other people, but just had overwhelming anxiety about doing things without dp. I talked to her about my childhood but felt guilty like I could have just forgotten and maybe it wasn’t like that when I was a younger child, and I don’t want to paint my parents as monsters just because I can’t remember being praised. So the jist of what she advised me is to stop worrying about other people, accept I can’t change my mum and focus on what I want.
So this is where it begins, recovering from years of emotional abuse, beginning to accept that that’s what it was, learning to accept I will never have the close relationship I craved with my parents, and thinking about what I want for me, for my dp who they hate, and my dd who they love. I have my own family now and they are the most important thing to me in the world. I refuse to let them convince me I am a bad mum, yes they have stooped that low and tried to put me down about the way I bring up my daughter just because I don’t agree with what they want, I always defend my right as dds mum to decide what is best for her, it isn’t easy but she has less control of me because she wants to see my dd and therefore has to get on with me, but instead of apologising for telling me I’m wrong or not putting dd first, she says I’m difficult, stubborn and I misunderstood. I have the confidence to say you’re wrong I am a good mum, and I will always put dd first, I look forward to having that confidence in all parts of my life one day.
For now, how do I stop these guilty feelings that occur every time I talk about it? How do I move to a purely functional relationship for dds sake so she knows her grandparents? How do I genuinely accept that I will never have that close relationship myself with my parents? I wish my mum would get help with her issues but she can’t see there’s anything wrong. I would love to hear from anyone else who may have been in a similar situation, may be in the same position, or may have successfully moved on from it all?