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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is she wonderful...or smothering?

12 replies

mum2mum99 · 04/11/2015 14:00

My marriage ended violently. I had therapy. I met a new partner who, for a change was not abusive, it seemed and would do everything for me. It was amazing at first. I wasn't coping very well with the legacy of my marriage. I had therapy and understood a few things about my relationship patterns. I found out that she is a rescuer. She organises everything in the minute details. I am now at a stage where I had enough of being saved I want to be able to cope on my own and get over my depression unattended. I feel a bit claustrophobic in this and not sure how to breach approach this with her. She always put others first and does not cultivate her own hobbies or look after herself. She lives her life through me it seems. I want a balanced relationship where we are both equal and not sure if she understands. I am not sure she can change. Not sure if we should carry on...

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 04/11/2015 14:04

From the description you have put I think it is unlikely you can change her. People like this like to help others solve their problems so they don't have to deal with their own.

You can try talking to her but I don't think you will get very far.

Original poster
mum2mum99 · 04/11/2015 14:10

Lemon, I tried having a talk the other day but she did not seem to get it. I am not sure what to how to explain it tbh.

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 04/11/2015 14:20

I think the fact that she doesn't get it shows that it is just the way she is and that she won't change. I think you need to accept the way she is and enjoy your relationship, or you have to move on.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/11/2015 14:23

People do not fundamentally alter and she has taken to try and save you. Acting as either a rescuer or a saviour in a relationship does not work.

I would make plans to leave this relationship, talking to her is a pointless exercise.

Joysmum · 04/11/2015 14:34

This was me going back 18 months. It suited all my family and DH though and the transition to developing to meet my own needs and interests is as much of a challenge for them as it is for me Wink

Obviously I totally disagree with attila or anyone else that believes rescuers can't change, don't make good partners for some types and aren't worth the effort...my family and DH would agree too. It worked for them and the change away from that is actually rocks big to boat and requiring a lot of adjustment from everyone else. Smile

Joysmum · 04/11/2015 14:35

*actually rocking the boat

Original poster
mum2mum99 · 04/11/2015 15:04

She has doubled in size since I met her and all she does is help family out. Sad to say but I do not find her as attractive as I once did. if I want to have a spontaneous meeting with a friend it is a problem as things are organised weeks in advance. I feel so selfish when I say that.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 04/11/2015 15:33

I think the truth is, that it is however it makes you feel - you obviously feel smothered - I would too.

I had a similar situation (although it was friendship rather than partnership) and I began to feel that my life was no longer my own - everything was being dictated and organised, and I wasn't 'allowed' to say no because it would cause hurt feelings. I began to feel very much like a project that needed rescuing, and ultimately I felt bullied. When I started to stand up for myself and say no, the friendship cooled rapidly (and I felt a great sense of relief)It was all too intense for me.

It is sad that your partner is almost living vicariously through others, and if your relationship is to be saved then she does need to develop her own interests (maybe some sort of volunteering where she can help others would fulfill her needs) I do think you need to talk frankly with her about it and say you are feeling smothered, because it won't change or go away unless you do, - but you can do it in a loving way, that shows you appreciate her caring nature, but you need your own space and some spontaneity in y our life.

Good luck Smile

pocketsaviour · 04/11/2015 15:39

You could try buying her a copy of CoDependent No More. On phone so can't link but just search Amazon.

It is possible for rescuers to change, but only if they recognise they have a problem and seek to change themselves.

springydaffs · 04/11/2015 16:56

If you want to stop feeling guilty, codependents use their projects to avoid their own stuff. So you are, technically, being used. Not in the usual sense, but used nonetheless.

Ach, we're all fucked somewhere or other Flowers

Joysmum · 04/11/2015 17:00

springydaffs has it spot on Smile

Original poster
mum2mum99 · 04/11/2015 22:06

I could just put my feet up and let her do all the handy work. I seems she wants to and think I don't do it a good as her...

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