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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he being selfish, or am I just overreacting???

4 replies

bcsnowpea · 07/12/2006 09:33

DH works 40 hours a week, while I'm a SAHM of a four week old baby. Most nights, if DH finishes work at 7, he'll spend the night with us. My DS tends to be wide awake from about 7 until 12.30 or so, which is made up for with a 6 hour sleep (yay!).
This evening, DH went out with some of his mates after work. Fine, no problem there. He rang saying he'd be home around 10.30/11.00, and he'd make dinner then. We're night owls who don't have a regular dinner time, so this was a fine arrangement by me. HOWEVER, when DH arrived home, he was late and had quite a bit to drink, so he sat around for a little bit looking ill, then passed out on the couch.
The thing that really bugs me about this is that he's not working until 2.00pm tomorrow, but now I'm pretty sure he'll spend the morning sleeping off his hangover. My DS is currently screaming his head off in the other room because he's been awake since 8.00pm (it's now 1.30am), he's tired, but too tired to sleep. He's in the other room because I've been feeding, changing, and soothing him for the last 5.5 hours and I need a break. I've had him all day. I appreciate my DHs right to see mates, I don't want to forbid him from going out every now and again, and I also appreciate the amount he works for me and DS, BUT I also feel that it's selfish of him to get totally pissed and cease to function for the next twelve hours, when we need him at home as well.
On top of that, he drove home. This irritates me because of all the things he could do right now, the worst would be dying. I wish he wouldn't drive when he's drunk or stoned, but I'm also not sure if bringing this up would lead to an awkward conversation that DOESN'T lead to a cessation of his behaviour.
Now I'm just ranting. I'm tired. I'm at the end of what has felt like a very long tether and I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest. Thanks to anyone who listened (read). I appreciate it.

OP posts:
ThrockenAroundTheChristmasTree · 07/12/2006 09:36

you need to find a way to let him know that drinking himslef to oblivion is no longer an option. Fine go out and have fun - but not to the extent that you no longer function.

hope the baby and you get some sleep soon.

themulledSNOWMANneredjanitor · 07/12/2006 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foxinsocks · 07/12/2006 09:45

wellllllll, I don't see the problem with him going out (tbh). If he was doing it every night, then it would be a problem but if it is every now and then, I don't think it's the end of the world.

Think the drink driving is a major thing and if he can't be trusted not to drink and drive, I would seriously think about telling him you don't think he should take the car out (and he can take a taxi, public transport whatever). I would definitely confront him about this.

I can see how you're feeling - it's bloody hard when babies are that small and you're knackered and you DESPERATELY look forward to your dh coming home to give you a break - have you got any family or friends nearby? Can you arrange an evening out and leave him to deal with the baby?

tribpot · 07/12/2006 09:47

Hope you're feeling better today and ds got some sleep.

You need to sit your dh down and ask if it would be reasonable if you stopped functioning for basically 24 hours in order to go out and get lashed. It's time to grow up and be a parent. In fairness to most blokes, life carries on for them much more 'normally' after a baby, i.e. they go out to work every day as they did before, and I think it can take a while for the realisation to hit. You need to address this with him for your own sanity.

As to the drink driving - this is utterly unacceptable in my view. The worst thing he could do right now isn't to die, it's to kill other people as well as die. That type of irresponsible behaviour needs to be addressed as well, does he want to leave you a widow or visiting him in prison, knowing some other mother of a small baby is a widow? You imply this wasn't a one-off but something he has done before.

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