non mol order runs out in three weeks. what next?

[coffeeisnectar]

Split from ex 7 years ago due to dv. He has several convictions. The last one was nearly four years ago for threatening to kill me. He has never been jailed but community orders given.

I moved just after the last conviction (from Scotland to the south of England) and he followed us. I am engaged and living with my partner and my two dc, the youngest is his and he has no parental responsibility for her. She's 10.

Last year after months of him refusing to bring dd back on time, bringing her home very late, dd saying that her dad said he was going to kill me, oldest saying his room stinks of weed (he rents a room in a house - no overnight stays), him ringing me demanding I pick dd up if she plays up and he can't cope, him picking dd up and then sleeping all day leaving dd with the landlord and his dog as her only company, I had enough. He's been at my door with his hands up at my face making threats too so I obtained a non mol order.

At court he was offered contact in a contact centre. He refused and has not seen her for a year. She misses him. He lets her do what she wants and gives her PS5 to spend on sweets so she thinks he's brilliant.

We've moved since the order was made. Oldest wants it renewed as she's scared of him. (Both kids on the order). He hasn't made contact direct but his dad kept calling me saying he wanted to pass on messages. I eventually called the police and asked them to speak to ex and his dad and tell them to stop as I didn't want to know. It was also breaking the order.

Partner thinks not to renew it. He says we've moved and doesn't know where we live, doesn't know where dd goes to school and let things develop and if it gets nasty again to get another order.

It's just ill be the one getting the calls and the abuse. He's made no attempt to have contact through the legal system with dd and I think he takes the easy option. He will be offered a contact centre if asked but he will refuse and kick off. I'm so drained. 7 plus years of this and I'm reaching the point of just wanting to move right away, change our names and hope he drops dead or gets locked up.

So advice please. Sorry it's so long. Don't want to drip feed. I've probably forgotten other things but there's been so much over the years.

And he pays PS5 a week maintenance. He refuses to pay more as he says I'll spend it on myself.

PS5 *

I would apply to get it extended, just for peace of mind. From your OP, he made threats to kill you to your face and also via your children. Nope, no, non, zilch. Major overstepping of the mark and just because you've moved, it doesn't follow that he hasn't tracked where you are even from a distance. Sorry to scare but he's done it before and I wouldn't risk it. I don't know about this but would it be easier to renew and extend as opposed to having to replay again?

That was my thoughts. I'm waiting to get a call from my solicitor to see whether I've got a good enough case to go ahead. I'm not sure if I've left it too late to get them running on from each other.

I would also get it renewed, particularly as your eldest has expressed a wish for it to be due to him being scared of his dad..

Thank you. I'm open to everyone's thoughts but I'm glad to feel my thoughts of a renewal are validated by others. My oldest is a girl, she's 17 and has had him drive past her at times and she's rung me shaking and crying saying she's scared. I feel I need to do this but youngest wants to see her dad, I'm just trying to do the best for us and hate seeing dd crying for her dad when I know that seeing him again will start the whole process off again with her feeling she has to keep secrets etc.

This must be so hard trying to juggle your dc different needs, but I still stick with my original statement- get it renewed.

What's the point in waiting (and always worrying) about it starting to kick off again before starting the whole process again?

Solicitor has called and said the chances of it being renewed are slim as there have been no recent incidents. So it's now a case of wait and see. Fabulous :(

The order has prevented the incidents. It has been breached anyway and you have reported the breaches. Does your solicitor have a good understanding of domestic violence? I'm really sorry you are in this difficult situation.

Yes she works with women who come into womens aid. I think because there has been no direct contact, albeit that there was indirect which was specified as not allowed on the order, he wasn't ever arrested. The order came with an arrest order if he breached it. I do find the police here are a bit blase.about dv even if it's long after the relationship ended. In my old area they were so brilliant, visited me often, issued an alarm which was connected to the station etc. Now I seem to be seen as worrying over nothing. I have physical scars which prove otherwise never mind the mental ones.

My solicitor is very good but extremely busy. Last year when I first saw her she got an emergency hearing at the court on the day I saw her and got the papers served that night. I'd use the term "shit hot". Which is why I am thinking to follow her advice and not use a ton of money on something which may fail in case I need that money to do it again later. If that makes sense.

For a start you need to stop thinking about this as you stopping DD seeing her dad.

He was offered contact and didnt want to take it, that is down to him not you. You are not stopping him from seeing her, he is refusing as he isnt getting what he wants, which is a very different thing.

When the order is up he may start the abuse again which will mean that you can get another, or he may go to court for access (although given the costs involved he may not) and chances are he will be offered contact centre access again until he can prove he is not a risk.

Does your DD know why he was banned from non supervised contact? If not then now is the time to tell her exactly what happened.

She does. She's upset as sees it as her fault for telling me things her dad had said which he had told her not to tell me, such as the threats etc. He's also promised her he will take her to live abroad when she's 16 which partly she is happy about but mostly is worried about. She's very close to me and i have a good relationship with both my girls, they both talk to me about their worries although youngest bottles things up and feels conflicted.

She was too young to remember what living with him was like. She only remembers the fun times of buying sweets and basically being allowed to do what she wants.

I will not let him have unsupervised contact but he had the option of a contact centre and refused as he wouldn't pay for it. I doubt he would ever take it to court.

He's got his dad to call me again today, asking when he can see the kids. I said he can't unless it's supervised but he shouldn't be asking me this or passing on messages. Huge row erupted, I hung up, he called back again.

I've called the police.

You've done the right thing. Call the police every single time. As it is the non mol is still in place and he is breaking, so you have every right to insist that they deal with him.

I would also go back to your solicitor with this information.

Good luck, and dont let the police play it down

Well done for calling the police. I really hope they can help your family.

The guy I spoke to on the phone seems to think I should be able to get a new one now. Police probably won't come out til tomorrow or call me, whatever they intend to do.

What pissed me off so much was his dad, his "oh I don't want to get involved "I'm sure things aren't that bad" "oh, well I don't know what's happened" whenever I point out that his son is not fit to parent his child. Because I witnessed him being punched to the ground and having his head kicked in, by his own son. He's just blind to his faults, wants an easy life, his son wants his dad to do all the talking for him so he doesn't need to make an effort but I'm not putting up with their crap any more.

Just aaaaaargh!!!