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Relationships

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Original poster

why is my childless friend so bloody selfish?

24 replies

santasweetdreamer · 07/12/2006 07:21

A few monthe ago on here I posted that I was really hurt as my "best/oldest" friend had made no fuss of my 40th birthday, sent me a card 6 days late and a pressie a month late. TBH I wasn't bothered about getting a present but she said on the actual day, "I've got you a card, it's lying about here somewhere" and i just thought, don't make an effort to post it on time then, so it arrived 6 days late. I was just hurt at her lack of thought to me, we've been friend since primary 1 and I thought I meant a bit more to her.

Anyway it's her 40th in a few weeks and she's making it clear she expects everyone to make a big fuss of her. She's been going on and on everytime I speak to her. She keeps saying "well I'm only 40 once". I just murmer in agreement, she seems to have no idea how she is and I know would be totally shocked if someone told her.

I know others without kids (or a relationship) at 40 who aren't so bloody self centered, but clearly my "friend" isn't one of them.

OP posts:

lulumama · 07/12/2006 07:23

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Original poster

santasweetdreamer · 07/12/2006 07:28

no agree no point in telling her.

maybe she would be like this even if she had kids, she just seems to be getting more caughtup in herself the older she gets.

just really gets on my nerves these days!

OP posts:

chenin · 07/12/2006 07:42

I wouldn't be able to resist saying something! Next time she says 'well, I'm only 40 once'... why can't you say...'yes, it was the same for me when I was 40 and you never even sent me a card on my birthday!
If you say it with a pleasant expression, you are making your point but not starting a row?!

Twiglett · 07/12/2006 07:46

I'd tell her ... I really would .. next time she says 'well I'm only 40 once' I'd say with a smile 'yes so was I and you didn't even send me a card' (in a kind of 'oh aren't you a one' sort of way)

hoxohoxohoxo · 07/12/2006 08:38

what are you getting out of this relationship other than hurt and grief? no point holding onto a friendship because it's been going a lomg time. There has to be some give and take, on both sides otherwise it isn't a friendship.

I had to give up on a long term 'friendship' with someone I had been friend with since primary school, about 2 years ago. I think I had chnaged with the birth of our kids - my priorities chnaged and I suddenly realised that prior to this most of my energy was going on her and keeping teh friendship alive. Same thing as you: I would make sure I did something for her birthday, etc and yet she would not do teh same in return. When I amde it clear to her that my kids were coming before her she got quite petulant and like a spoilt child, so we stopped seeing each other.

Good luck

katzg · 07/12/2006 08:48

my mum once made a very good point about primary school friends when i was moaning about not having any left. Primary school friends are nearly always friends because you live close by each other so your geographical friends, friends because there's noone else really, as we get older we make friends with people we have things in common with, shared interests and these geographical friends generally fall by the way side.

What i'm trying to say is imagine if you met this women for the first time now, is she someone you would actually chose to have as a friend?

colditz · 07/12/2006 08:50

she sounds like a right nob, tbh!

Mala · 07/12/2006 09:53

Do you think it may be because she doesn't have children the bond has weakened between the two of you? I know a couple of my friends have distanced themselves from me as they haven't been able to have children, even though they want to. Not everyone reacts that way, but some people do out of self-preservation. I don't know if that is the case with your friend-she may feel that you have your family and don't need her as much. Could you have a chat with her letting her know that you feel that you are growing apart and she doesn't show much interest in your life? If after this she still isn't interested, then there's not much else you can do. Sometimes we need different things from our friends at different stages of our life and you may or may not rekindle your friendship later on.

Original poster

santasweetdreamer · 07/12/2006 13:22

TBH she's a very huffy, moody person and I know she'd fly into a mood if i so much as mentioned my card was late.

She's done a lot to me saying "I'd never do that" then she regularly does the opposite.

Since the card carry on I feel less close to her, if I don't speak to her for a while I don't miss her. She's not the sort of friend you'd call up if you were feeling down, she's make you feel worse.

Suppose I carry on the frienship as she's someone who knew me before kids and I don't find it easy making friends TBH.

OP posts:

nutcracker · 07/12/2006 13:25

Oh I have one of these friends and am steering well clear from now on as she thinks my kids are spoilt (which they are not) and that I sit at home and get paid for doing NOTHING (i am on single parent benefits at the mo).

hoxohoxohoxo · 07/12/2006 13:55

sweetsanta: to state teh obvious - this girl is NOT a friend.
Do yourself a big favour and explain that you have grown apart, you wish her the best and let go.
Then put all the energy you ahve so far been investing in tippytoeing around her into getting out and finding new friends. Go to day time meets, kids clubs wtc where you will find lots of women in EXACTLY the same position as you, who know enough of your position (how hard it is to raise kids, how difficult it is to make the effort to get out of the house etc) to be supportive and understanding.

Don't waste any more energy/ heartbreak/ emotional turmoil on this woman. YOU are worth more than that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2006 13:59

santasweetdreamer,

This woman is a vampire friend - i.e someone who sucks you dry.

Its no point continuing with this so called friendship because this is not friendship at all.

snowydelight · 07/12/2006 14:07

Send a card so it arrives on the day. If you want to get her a present make it something small that can be posted inside the card. Job done, no more fuss, and you can hold your head high knowing that you were adult enough not to get into "tit for tat" stuff. Then think about what you are getting out of this friendship and decide if it's worth the effort or not. My take on friendship over 40 is that I already have three children, I don't need childish friends.

WanderingTroll · 07/12/2006 14:31

She may well love you dearly but she is jealous - she is childless (and single?) and you have succeeded where she hasn't.

She doesn't have the blessing of kids and wants to make herself feel better about it by making sure she gets spoiled on her birthday.

Just a wayward theory.

Suggest you distance yourself from her. You may want to sling in a tactless comment to encourage her to distance herself!

DingDongDraculaOnHigh · 07/12/2006 14:38

how about saying

I will make as much fuss of you on your bday as you made of me on mine

dara · 07/12/2006 14:40

I agree she's envious, and turning 40 is probably making the whole being single and childless thing harder. I still think it would be fair to smile and say, 'so was I and I didn't even get a card on the day!' in a jolly, joking way though.

sleepfinder · 07/12/2006 14:41

to be really honest, it sounds to me like you're being a little bit childish here - don't bear grudges,rise above it.

If she has little else to celebrate other than marking her 40th birthday... let her.

TwinklingTinselAndTenaLady · 07/12/2006 14:41

Ahh, Santa believe me kids or no kids I am surrounded by women like this, in the family too.

You sound like a sensitive giving soul to me who cant abide bad manners. I tend to withdraw from such likes and find friends or acquaintences a little more to your palate.

SHHHHsantaiscoming · 07/12/2006 14:55

I would send a card to her..BUT make sure its just as late as yours was and make sure its a "belated" card..Ooooppss...sorry I forgot etc.

Make an issue out of it.

Maybe I am childish BUT i also have a friend like this. Our visits and communication is getting less and less. Sad thing is she was my chief bridesmaid and didn't even remember dh & I's 1st wedding anniversary.Not fair imo.

Its her 30th the end of this month..........

Rookietherednosedreindeer · 07/12/2006 15:01

I'd post the card on time - she won't understand if it is late and it will just cause aggro, then I would gradually withdraw from the relationship, if she is as self centered as she sounds she probably won't even notice.

LemonTart · 07/12/2006 15:07

It isn?t the number of friends we have that counts...
I know it can be hard making friends (I can be very shy and not very sociable!) but there is no point hanging onto friendships that are negative/stressful/one way/make us feel worse about ourselves. Sounds like it is time to let go and enjoy your time with people who make you feel good and respect your needs too.
If she is genuinely very selfish and demanding, not just a bit forgetful, I would ditch her regardless of how long you have known each other. My mum has known her "best friends" for decades and all she does is make her feel fat and old!! Not worth it. Now rather than later is my advice

Original poster

santasweetdreamer · 07/12/2006 17:58

good advice!

I think the friendship will just die out gradually, can't see things ever changing!

guess thats how it goes sometimes.......

OP posts:

wartywarthog · 07/12/2006 20:24

i had a friend EXACTLY like this! we were friends since we were 4 so were friends out of duty really. she was a nasty piece of work though. eventually put my foot down and told her to bog off. much happier now! don't regret it for a second.

Original poster

santasweetdreamer · 07/12/2006 21:17

can see it coming to that too!

OP posts:

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