Does this mean he wants nothing to do with us?

[Lwatkins]

Ok, long story - i'll do my best to make it shorter!
Me and my ex boyfriend were together 9 months and things wern't working out - to say the least. He became v. moody and sorry for himself towards the end of the relationship. I decided at a late point that I wanted to come to university, so i did. As i was moving so far away i almost saw this as my one chance to break off the relationship, especially as things were getting bad between us anyway. (btw, i'm 19 and he's 21)
So i came to uni in september, everything was great - though the big change was quite hard for me. Then at the end of the first week being here, discovered i was pregnant! What else - i ask you?! Decided i couldn't go through with a termination and wanted to keep the baby. Told ex and he seemed really happy about it - at first!
We spoke, maybe a week later and he had come up with all sorts of notions within this time - we'll get back together, i'll move down and we'll get a place, we can play happy families etc. All these notions which, to be frank i shot to st within minutes, i had and still don't have any desire to get back together - EVER!
This must have really hurt him, he got v. angry and didn't here from him for weeks. I caved in and rang him, i ended up in tears cause i got shouted at constanly and hung up. This happened a couple of times and the last time we spoke was 4 weeks ago! The last time we spoke he was such a different person, i've never been made to feel so low and deflated. Feelings i don't need, especially when i'm pregnant.
People keep telling me to give him time, and to be nice. Well, he's had nearly 3 months to get used to the idea, and im always nice when i ring, or did ring. The thing that confuses me is that he says he wants to be involved, and then he acts like this. I feel totally abandoned by him. Am i just supposed to bend over everytime he thinks he can be a st and walk back into my life whenever he chooses?
Can i just add, that he still lives with his parents, has v. little qualifications, only works part time in a shop, never has any money etc. He has no dreams, no goals or plans, no intentions to do anything - the complete opposite of me. He'll be 22 next summer, i'll be 20 when bean arrives having just finished my first year at uni - woohoo!
I don't know what to do, any advice?

Nothing helpful to say really.

Just {hugs}

Will pop back later.

You say you dont want to get back with him, yet you want his support and involvement - I see where you are coming from, but dotn forget that this is man you are are dealing with and apart from no man ever understanding a woman when she is emotional:

a) he's young and doesnt seem to have much 'life experience' (living at home/part-time work etc)
b) probably doesnt realise the enormity of what has happened - ie baby is for life, and he will have financial and emotional ties to his child forever more
c) he probably does'nt understand how you can want him involved but do not want a relationship as you have before.

I would suggest you take a step back from the situation (as best you can - I know it wont be easy) so you can look at things a fresh. Put your feelings, concerns, thoughts in an open letter to him. Dont be judgemental, or blame or accuse - but do highlight your need for his support and role as a father etc. Invite his response as openly as you have been with him and try to work from thier.

If you feel it is possible ask his parents for support for both of you, was well as your own. You will need all the support you can get!

Good luck
X

have you talked to his parents ?

Maybe try talking to them and explain that whilst you think your relationship with their son had come to it's natural end, he will always be the father of your child, and they will always be it's grandparents. Tell them you want to preserve that relationship so that they get to be a part of your child's life. Tell them that their son seems to be taking the shock of the changed situation badly and acting a bit immaturely and won't talk to you as an adult. Ask for their help in maintaining the family bond between them and their family and your baby.

Have you worked out how you will manage with your course and a new baby ? Have you looked into the financial options ?

Sounds like you want the best of both worlds to me, and that you have hurt him pretty badly.

Stop thinking just about your needs and think about what this is doing to him.

Starmum, you misunderstand. This has very little to do with me, i only have my babies best interests at heart. And among these are wanting my baby to know it's dad.
Throken, yes uni is all covered, have my head screwed on right - most of the time! And am currently sorting out finances etc. Cant talk to his parents, his mothers more immature than him. They all hate me anyway beacuse i broke up with him in the first place.

I think it will be difficult for your ex-boyf not to feel somewhat used in this situation. I understand that is not what you are trying to do, but you will have to look at the position from his point of view. In reality this will be a big shock for him and whilst you have got it all sorted in your head, he will inevitably feel that he's not having any say in it. As for his mother, she's just protecting her son.
Basically what I'm trying to say is that you can control your side of things but not his. There will have to be huge comprises made on both sides to get any kind of working relationship going for the child's sake. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear (I have been a single parent).

I don't think I misunderstood - read your post and see how often you talk about 'I' and what you want from it.

Sorry to be harsh, but you seem to have decided pretty much how you want to your life to run, and you seem to be upset because he won't just agree to your terms on everything.

I agree with BethleCAM - you have to try harder to see things from his perspective.

post from a 21 yr old man could read as follows;

"was with a gorgeous girl for nearly a year and she was fantastic. I had some issues with the relationship, felt she looked down on me and my family a bit, but she was still with me so I thought we were working it out. Then out of the blue she decides she is going miles away to uni and uses this as an exuse to dump me. I was totally gutted as I thought we had a real future together and I loved her to bits.

I was just getting used to being on my own again when totally unexpectedly she phoned and told me she was pregnant. I was completely shocked but also a part of me was kind of really happy, because how could she carry my baby and be it's mum without there being a good chance for us to be together? She can't hate me that much I thought! Also, I thought it's our job to be together to bring this child up, if she takes the choice to have it.....I'm getting used to the idea of this huge change...and I'm full of ideas for how we could run things together, but she shoots all my ideas down in flames as if I am a murderer and she wants nothing to do with me or my family. Lots of times I don't get in touch as the feelings are too agonising, I've got no control over the decisions being made and no chance of influencing her or negotiating with her either. I get so upset when we speak that it's easier not to speak to her sometimes."

Sorry, I know this is a total flight of fantasy but you do need to consider things from his point of view BIG TIME. Yes, it's a huge thing for you but at the very least you have the power of the decision making at the moment (as you rightly should, because it's your body).

But I think you need to flip your thinking round to really wondering what HE wants to happen. Because if you get an understanding of this, then you have a better chance of operating happily when baby arrives.

There is NO situation more miserable for a family than one where the parents can't communicate regarding the child. And as you already know it will be a very important part of your child's life, having an involved dad, if you let it be.

Read a magazine article tonight that kind of hit me hard. It said that fathers can often feel left out and uninvolved in a womans pregnancy because they're not the ones experiencing it. Took this into account as i had never thought of this and rang him. Was the first civilised conversation we had in months! Got on really well, only spoke for 15 mins but was really nice. We both backed down and said our sorry's! Talked about baby's progress and names etc.
What a difference 4 weeks can make! He's got a new job and has a course lined up, and is getting his own place soon etc. He said he realised that it's time to stop acting like peter pan and grow up and get his life sorted. We've agreed to meet up over xmas and i feel really proud of him - which i told him over and over again. (Which he liked to hear - lots!)
He's ringin me tommorrow night for a proper chat! Things finally on the look up!

I'm very pleased for you, well done to both of you

I just wanted to say congratulations on your pregnancy - and for going it alone and at university.

when I was at university there were a few single mothers who had their children there with them (including one 24 yr old professor with a PHD!!) and I really admired them - they worked harder than anyone and their children were happy.

Good luck. I can't imagine it will always be a smooth ride with the father of your baby, but you sound like you're keeping trying for the sake of the child and the father.

It sounds to me like you getting pregnant may be the making of him. Its given him a focus in his life and a reason to improve himself. Sometimes men need a kick up the arse to get themselves going.
I understand you may not get back together but its good that you are now talking and getting on well.
I've been a single parent and believe me its not easy, you are going to need all the support you can get, especially juggling a baby and a uni course and if he's prepared to stick around and help you, you should bite his hand off imo.
There are plenty of men out there who run a mile when their gf gets pg. At least he is prepared to stick by you and have a relationship with his baby.
Hope everything works out well for you both.

He didn't ring, sigh. (Lots of tears!)