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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feeling jealous and irrational

21 replies

startrek90 · 03/11/2015 18:26

Background: Been married 3 years, 1ds 12months. Left Uk to move to my dh home country when we married. Found it really hard as I have no friends and I have just started to be able to speak the language.

Before we married my dh was in a long term relationship for 5 years. They split up a year before I even met dh and 2 years before we got together so I am definitely not the other woman.

Because they were together so long all my dh friends are in the same circle as his ex. It was awkward at first but gradually his friends got used to me. I was fine socialising with his ex and was never jealous.

Until Halloween. we were invited to a party but I stayed to look after ds but I said to dh to go. I thought it was a chance for dh to see his friends without wife and child cramping his style. Since then his ex and him are texting lots ( I have seen the texts she is complaining that her bf is being mean, asking dh why he went out with her etc) and it is bothering me. Especially as he has let slip that they hung out all evening talking and took a car ride together. He never mentioned it when I asked about his evening (wasn't interrogating just a casual question).

For some reason this is bothering me. He is texting her whilst sat with me, so not being sneaky.

Need a talking to me thinks. I have no idea how to deal with this. It is unlike me.

OP posts:

Original poster

startrek90 · 03/11/2015 18:27

That was long sorry!

OP posts:

Sweetsweetjane · 03/11/2015 23:22

Ah bless you. I'm not much help because I'm nearly asleep. But I feel for you. course that situation would make you feel insecure especially when she's asking him why he went out with her, sounds quite like she wants him to boost her ego but dodgy territory as asking him to trip down memory lane to their honeymoon stage. In a nutshell, either keep schtum but remain observant or face your fears by telling your partner how you feel.
Good luck x

Epilepsyhelp · 03/11/2015 23:29

Sounds like they're having a rather inappropriate reminisce together while telling themselves it's all above board. I don't think you're unreasonable to feel a bit put out, as that kind of thing can be dangerous if there are any residual feelings.

I would just ask him to be careful with the level of contact and think about how he'd feel if it was you, and go to the next party!

springydaffs · 03/11/2015 23:30

Irrational? It's not irrational to be bothered by this - it's completely inappropriate of them!

For goodness sake! How would he like it if you were hanging out with and regularly texting someone you were in a relationship with for 5 years? I'm guessing he wouldn't like it one bit.

Absolutely insist this stops right now. What does he think he's playing at?

ILiveAtTheBeach · 03/11/2015 23:36

You are not being irrational, I would throw a shitty fit if that was my DH. Why the fuck is she asking him why he dated her? It's to illicit compliments from him? She's not happy with her BF. She's spent a night cosying up to her old flame. They've swapped mobile numbers. They took a car ride - to where? And what for? What happened in the car? I'd threaten to take ds home and leave him in his country (even if I wasn't sure if I meant it yet). If he was my DH, he'd be melting from the flames of my wrath about now! Find your anger.

AnyFucker · 03/11/2015 23:42

You sound completely rational to me

I can't imagine my H ever behaving like this but if he did he would be receiving the divorce papers

Why would you and his child "cramp his style" out of interest ?

MatrixReloaded · 03/11/2015 23:43

I'd be furious. I'd want to know why they were in the car when they were meant to be at a party.

AnyFucker · 03/11/2015 23:44

I imagine you are subject of much gossip and rather a lot if pity right now amongst his "circle of friends"

For that alone, he would not be getting away with this

Original poster

startrek90 · 04/11/2015 00:07

AF by 'cramp his style' I mean all of his friends are unmarried and have no children. (we are mid twenties so still young) and so my dh doesn't go out as much and if he does it is usually with me. I know that is quite stifling to be with your wife EVERY time you hang with your mates. As I say his friends already find it awkward that I am there especially as his ex isn't what I call happy about me.

I don't know why they were in the car. He is being open with his phone and everything but this just makes me uncomfortable especially when I saw the questions she was asking him. I am not normally insecure. I don't know what to do. What is reasonable here?

OP posts:

PaddingtonStareBare · 04/11/2015 00:18

There was NO NEED to go for a car ride you can have a good reminisce anywhere at a party / pub anything in a group of friends.

They went because they wanted to be alone together - I would be having a hissy fit about that and find it very hard to trust him after that.

Wando · 04/11/2015 01:59

I would be very angry in your shoes. U are being rational.

MatrixReloaded · 04/11/2015 03:21

Why does he spend time with this ex who isn't happy about you ? Why do his friends find it awkward when your there ?

He needs to ditch this ex. It doesn't sound like she's ever really been out of the picture.

TooSassy · 04/11/2015 07:09

OP.

You are not irrational.
Fine they have mutual friends and move in the same circle but that doesn't mean they have to be in touch.

I used to have a friend who was this other woman you are talking about. It's a virtually identical situation (aside from the DS). She HATED the wife her ex had married. Was totally nice to her face but totally undermined her every opportunity she got. We are actually no longer friends because I called her out on it and said her behaviour was inappropriate given her ex was now married and that she had a boyfriend.

Here's my advice.
Put your foot down. Why do they need to text outside of bumping into one another at parties?
Invite some of his friends round (not her) for a drinks/ dinner thing and start building a relationship with them
Start making some friends of your own. I know it's hard but you have a DS. Start meeting other people in a similar situation to you and building a new social network.

Hope that helps. Tell him how you feel and ask him to stop OP. She has no good intentions towards you.

Fratelli · 04/11/2015 07:41

They're being totally inappropriate! You're not being irrational in the slightest. I would tell dh how you feel. There is no need to be in contact and tbh I think its disrespectful.

Why on earth would they need to be in the car together? What happened? I would be very hurt. After all you've sacrificed for him and this is how he treats you?

I would be showing him this thread!

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 04/11/2015 08:17

Sorry, there is so much here that is wrong.

Firstly, yes, we all need time with our friends away from partners. That's normal and fine. But it's not because you cramp his style. Or, at least, it shouldn't be.

Secondly, I agree, it sounds like they took an inappropriate, emotionally charged trip down memory lane.

Thirdly, never trust an ex who isn't happy about you.

Fourthly, yes I also think you will be the subject of gossip and pity if they are decent people. Gossip and giggles if not. Neither of those is good!

None of this is reasonable.

RiceCrispieTreats · 04/11/2015 10:03

You are not being irrational; they are being inappropriate.

The only way to fix this is if your husband can shift his own view and accept that he is acting inappropriately. The best way to do that is to have a conversation where you ask him to put himself in your shoes: how would he feel if you spent an evening with an ex, swapped numbers, and then started having conversations about what you loved about him back then?

hefzi · 04/11/2015 14:33

I don't think your husband has mischief on his mind: he wouldn't be so open about texting in front of you if he did. Her, however, I am not so sure of (being a woman, and being naturally suspicious of some of those of my sex...). However, it bothers you: so you should tell your husband that it makes you uncomfortable because it's inappropriate (and it is, even if he doesn't see it like that) and he will hopefully take the initiative to back away from her. If he doesn't, then you must articulate to him what he needs to do for you to be comfortable - it will be awkward if she's in the circle of friends too, but he needs to sort it out.

Pinkdaisy4 · 04/11/2015 21:44

They're being inappropriate and thoughtless . I'd be fuming!

BolshierAryaStark · 04/11/2015 22:35

Definitely not irrational, this is not acceptable & you need to tell him this.
Feel for you OP, in unfamiliar surroundings with a different language & away from your own friends. Your DH should have your back & be doing everything to make you at ease, not going for drives with his ex & constantly texting her.

DragonsCanHop · 04/11/2015 22:46

Another not irrational vote here.

You are in an unfamiliar country and doing your best, your DH should want to make you feel like his world!

Thinktwice · 05/11/2015 00:03

Not irrational. By texting with you present it is asking for permission to justify his behaviour. Get up from him and go away if he does that.

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