Advice on way forward

[maryp99]

Hi

This is my first time posting on Mumsnet. But I don't feel I can talk to anyone in real life about this as feel disloyal to my husband. I suspect some people will think me shallow but here goes... We've been married ten years and together four years before that and have two children together. My husband can be quite a difficult man to live with but he also has a lot of good qualities and is basically a good man. We have been through difficult times together and come out the other side. The thing I am currently struggling with is our sex life, or lack of it. We've never had an amazing sex life but I don't think either of us has a very high sex drive and pre-children I think we were both ok with how things were. When the children were really little I was too tired to be bothered about it. Now they are a little older and I'm not tired all the time it is starting to bother me. I'm only 40 and the idea that this is it forever is getting me down. It's not that we never have sex but we can go months without and the truth of the matter is (and I feel awful admitting this) I just don't fancy him at all. He is very very overweight (I'm not at all overweight and never have been). As I say maybe people will think I'm shallow but I don't see how I can change the fact I find his body a turn-off. I don't want to leave him and I don't want to have an affair but the idea at the age of 40 that this is it gets me down. I want to find him desirable. I would really like him to lose weight and am willing to support him in this but I don't see how he will manage it without professional help. He comfort eats and a lot of it is done in secret (I find wrappers hidden in draws and food on supermarket receipts which never made it home).

I feel awful admitting how I feel about him and am expecting people to say I should just accept him how he is but any constructive advice would be appreciated.

I think you've got to be open and tell him how you feel. Even if he loses weight it's likely to take some time before you fancy him again but if you don't make it clear how important it is to you then I fear this will not end well.

Well, he has an eating disorder. I was going to say you could start by addressing that - but, frankly, people don't like to be confronted about their addictions.

But maybe you need to address the whole thing, what you've said here. What have you got to lose?

There's OA btw. Also a good book called Why Can't I Stop Eating. He needs to see his gp and get not only the disordered eating addressed but also his disorders approach to sex.

Big excavations needed I think in order to go forward. You're only 40, you can't accept this is it.

Personally I think you don't fancy him as you don't fancy him as a person, not fancying his body is more important because of that.

You describe him as being difficult but with a good heart but there's little warmth in your OP and no declarations of love.

Contrast that with me and my DH. Him being very overweight could be on my mind re our sex life as he is obese. However when I talk about my DH its about his qualities and I smile and feel warm when I think about him because I love him to bits and think he's the more st attractive personality on earth! Way down the line comes his weight and a fancy him as my partner.

If you don't have that excitement and feeling of how lucky you are to be with him then of course you're going to place more importance on his size.