Want to separate but dh accuses me of causing a broken home

[guildingthelily]

My husband and I have not been on good terms for over a year now. We moved abroad from London 16 months ago and it has not done any good for our relationship.

In a nutshell, here are the reasons I want to separate:

• there is no love and affection
• gets very very drunk every weekend, so much so he cannot function or participate in family life the next day
• he refuses to learn to drive, so I do all the driving and pay for all car costs
• he has no interests other than drinking and watching fishing programmes on telly
• he cannot discuss any relationship matters without being very defensive and telling me my behaviour is unacceptable (I do none of the above!)
• he organises nothing (not holidays, childcare, bill payments, kids birthdays, Christmas etc)
• he never tidies up anything!
• he is totally apathetic in terms of his career
• I should not admit this but he is slim with an enormous beer belly that I find unattractive and worry what this means health-wise. Although if all the above points were the opposite, I probably wouldn't mind the beer belly TBH...
• he has no respect for me
• never pays me any compliments
• calls me vile names in his sleep

I want to try a separation to clear my head and work out if I am happier without him. I feel like I deserve more. However when I try to discuss it with him, he never wants to. It's always 'not now'.. But will not agree to a time when he wants to.

He refuses to leave. I can afford to finance me and the kids without him (I do anyway). If he left he would not be able to finance him. He would also not be fit to look after them on the weekends when he has a hangover. I also pay for a live out nanny/maid which means living by myself without DH would be very doable.

How do I discuss a separation with him? I really do not want to live with him anymore. Together for 9 years, 2 under 5's, living in SEA.

Surely he'll lose his job if you kick him out? Why should the school rehouse him if his job is really just part of your expat teacher package?

Are you aware of the legal situation for you there?

Malaysia doesnt appear to be party to the parts of the Hague convention that would be applicable in the event of abduction, child protection, international cooperation in recovering maintenance. So I dont know what that means for you in terms of your legal rights over the children although the law seems to be very similar to the UK, certainly in terms of divorce.

Are you employed by a UK company? They may be able to help you with legal advice. Would you want to stay there or return to the UK?

uk.practicallaw.com/1-570-7827?q=&qp=&qo=&qe=#a369850

Sorry I misread that re London.

What is the legal system like where you are?.

Even though they are very young they all too clearly see how you are around their Dad and how you react to him. They know and see far more than you perhaps care to realise and certainly will become more aware as they get older.

It is indeed better for two parents to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable. He is an alcoholic in denial and he will likely never change his ways.

You could also just apply for a job in another country and leave him behind.

broken home? Tell him its not the 1950s anymore and the home would be a lot less broken if he wasnt in it

Kids are not oblivious, I can assure you. With every day that goes by with that sot under the same roof they are being emotionally damaged.

Unlike many women you have the financial and legal means to boot him out posthaste. Take advantage of that and move on before more of your life, and theirs, is wasted. You are not going to change or cure him no matter how you might wish it. And even if you could -- would the end result really be worth the godawful years-long slog that would be? Far better to start enjoying life now.

Before you do anything at all, even telling him that you are leaving him, seek legal advice and get your ducks in a row. I have no idea how things work in Malaysia, but it won't be the same as if you were to split with your children's father in the UK.

Ignore his blah, blah, blah, he will say anything to prevent his cozy set-up from changing, so you will have to get your ducks in a row before you tell, not ask, him to leave.

Given the extent of his drinking, how long do you think he would be able to get away with keeping his job and will it impact yours?

Broken home - it's 2015 and most marriages end in divorce so most people are not living the nuclear family life anymore.......look, you need to get rid of him, he's toxic, in more ways than one.