Practical advice for a confused and shaky person...

[YouLostMeThere]

I think I might need to get a solicitor, but haven't got a clue how? I know that sounds drippy, but the prospect terrifies me because of what it means, but I would really appreciate some advice. Feeling so shaken and messed up in the head at the moment. I don't even know if I'll need the solicitor, but I need to know how to do it just for my peace of mind. And how do I pay for it??! Oh god, what a mess.

Fucksake! Genned up

It isn't very mumsnetty to say 'Sweetheart, it's time to really look after yourself as though you were the person you loved most in the whole world, going through this' is it? But if you were my friend IRL, that's what I'd be saying to you at the moment. Come on... give yourself a break. You know you don't deserve this treatment, and you know it's not healthy for your children. Take all the help you can get.

You can get through this, out the other side, and have a much happier life. I know this, because I did. It took me ages to stop falling into the same patterns of bad relationships, but I got there eventually! If I can, so can you. PM me any time if you want a bit of moral support or a pep talk.

Oh, and I do remember that it feels really hard and really scary to be where you are and to take those first steps to make a change. You might well have times when you think 'it's fine. I don't need to make a massive scary life change, he's been ok for a bit, maybe it'll all be ok now', because we all really want to think the best of our partners and believe we can make it work. Also it's easy to feel scared that this is the best you'll ever have, you can't do any better, nobody else will ever want you, you can't cope on your own... these thoughts and fears will ease up once you're back in control of your life and start getting your confidence back. It sounds as though you're taking the first shaky steps towards a better life for you and your kids, so, good for you. You're being really bloody brave.

Awww, thanks Irritable that made me well up! Good advice about treating myself as the person I loved most in the whole world. I suppose in a way this is what is driving me on - I'm not prepared to let him screw up our kids by venting his anger on me or them. Thanks.

It can be hard to really let yourself see what is happening sometimes, even to your children, when leaving and facing all the fallout seems overwhelming and complicated. It's quite normal to still have loving feelings towards your partner which can make you feel you don't want to leave despite everything. It's normal to justify staying by saying 'he's never actually hit me (yet)' or it's 'only' psychological abuse. If you find yourself thinking those things, it's time to go. Despite all of this, leaving is still the best thing to do in these situations. It does get easier, you can get your life back under your control and have a happy settled future :) Stay strong!