His house for our fourth date?

[SanDiegoSunsets]

I've been on a couple of dates in the last 2 weeks. He seems really nice. He's been very sweet and gentlemanly so far. He's suggested a take away at his for our fourth date. I'd quite like to see where he lives, get to know him a bit better, but I have no intention of rushing into anything. Do I accept and tell him straight: no funny business; or arrange another meal out and leave the movie night for when we know each other a bit better?

I would not accept a date at a man's house (or invite him to mine) unless I was prepared to sleep with him on that occasion.

I am very cautious about my personal safety and I never put myself into any position where there could be any possible misunderstandings, assumptions, or implied consent.

I would also, the first time I was going to his house, make sure I knew his full name, place of work, FB profile, dating profile, etc and pass it on to a trusted friend.

Woooooah!

Let's back this up a bit eh?

How on earth is agreeing to meet someone anywhere tantamount to agreeing to having sex?

It's not.

Agreeing to have sex is agreeing to have sex.

Or not. Consent is everything.

There are steps we can take to protect ourselves, like not being too drunk to get home if we decide to, but ultimately we have the right to expect our consent being sought and obtained.

MOST blokes aren't likely to take the piss. By the 4th date you'll know a bit more about each other, and how comfortable you feel with each other.

Blokes know that having you at their house is half the battle. Of course it is not agreeing to have sex but it does show an element of willing in a man's mind.

I'd say no to the house date.

Somewhere someone invented this putting out by the 3rd date rule.

Even if I were up for a shagging, I don't think I would as I'd be worried that would be what is expected as in not actually going out anymore.

I asked DP round to mine on 4th date with intention of him staying over if it felt right which was agreed up front. I wouldn't have invited him if I wasn't thinking where it might end up so I if think carefully of its what you want to do. Of course you can always leave if it's not panning out as you hoped. I felt very comfortable with DP as we were in contact every day on phone for almost a month before hand too. It's personal choice and obviously only do what you are comfortable with.

If you do go, make sure a friend knows where you are and keeps in touch by text (for safety reasons)

Hissy I agree with everything you said. My history of sexually violence means I view things perhaps through a risk filter which is skewed. Meeting anyone on their territory puts you at a significantly higher risk of harm than at a neutral location or at your own house. After 3 dates you don't know someone and cannot completely judge their level of risk to you.

I would think his expectation is sex. If it's not yours I wouldn't go,

If he is expecting sex and persistent about it the best that could happen is a very awkward situation where you feel pressurised into doing something you're not comfortable with or you make your excuses and leave.

I'm going to ask my date now, see what his intentions/expectations were on our 3rd date, I can tell you on date 4, at mine, there were no expectations of him or me as far as I was concerned... Lots of talk, a bit of kissing, mostly getting to know each over still. At no point did I feel any expectation upon me, no pressure at all. I rather think he'd have been surprised if I had jumped him.

Each situation is different, if we have a history of abuse and regrettable choices and don't yet feel comfortable or confident enough to trust our instincts and judgement, then I'd suggest that we'd not agree to meet in such a private setting. I know when I was less confident about being able to handle relationships, I'd have been extremely worried about everything, as I was scared of everyone and everything. I know myself better now, am able to filter out those who aren't kosher and trust my instincts better.

As I say, remaining able to get OUT of a situation is as important as judging a situation in advance.

We have to be responsible for our own safety, but we can not tar everyone with the same brush forever. MOST men ARE NOT rapists/dangerous.

Mumsnet is great, but remember people post here with their troubles, not when things are perfect. It's easy to lose perspective.

Just to avoid doubt... When I say regrettable choices, I say that as someone who has made them herself... Not at all intending to judge, I'm in no position to do so.

I agree with you Hissy. I have gone to dinner at dates houses and there have been no expectations. I take care and if I felt the situation was not how I wanted it to be I would leave. To date the men I have met have been lovely.