What's wrong with me? Am I overreacting? Feel hurt

[Kiwiblue02]

I've been a complete mess recently. I need a smack in the face.

My partner and i have been together about 2 years now, living together with my daughter who's 2. Long story short, he always had this friend i was always uncomfortable with. He told me they dated for a week, didn't work and were just friends. I found out from his friends that actually... They have a weird dependant friendship where they were on/off on/off pretend it never happened til the next time. Will they wont they finally be official but never came to it. But for years. He admitted it to be true. I've never met her either and I always wanted to. Always an excuse not to be able to. She's a best friend but kept separate from everyone else. Always insisted platonic now, he doesn't wanna be with her but she's very important to him.

just last week, I found he had screenshotted pics of her on his phone of her, edited them to remove her friends and zoomed in on her. All posey, sexy photos. He also arranged to meet her soon and didn't tell me. I felt sick, seeing all these photos. When I confronted him about it... He put his hands up and cut ties immediately. His suggestion.

I should be happy he made that step and I am relieved. But last night (day after he cut ties) I got drunk (my little girl was at her mums) and upset about it all and said some horrible things such as I wish I never met you, which isn't true. Embaressed him as we were out with his friends. I feel terrible. But I think I'm still hurt from those photos. What's wrong with me?

I'm worried that even though he's blocked her on all communication, he did it without even telling her. Just blocked her and that's it, no explanation to her. She might contact him anyway though I don't know how if he's blocked her from it.

Don't take this at face value. They may have another method of communication and the blocking has been done to keep you sweet.

He's dropped her "just like that" ?

I don't believe him.

And if it were true, what sort of person does that to a friend ?

If there was nothing to 'worry about' he would have listened to your concerns and then made an effort to introduce you and have you get to know her. Although that's no guarantee! (Have you read binder's thread yet?)

He said that he will do anything to make me happy which is why he can cut ties like that... Though I'm slightly dubious. When I originally expressed real concerns and after all this fiasco and finding out he arranged to meet her without telling me he just said "well I wasn't gonna stop seeing her" and now she's gone just like that. I really wanna have faith and I think I do but just scared.

Yeah I have read binders post... And it sounds horrific and slightly similar, except I never met her and she's gone through a hell of a lot more than I have.

Today was the day he was supposed to meet her for drinks after work... I'm just praying that it's all okay and he doesn't unblock her and meet her. He works late sometimes, so just hoping he doesn't this eve. Probably irrational but it's almost like I want this day out the way.
God I feel pathetic.

Also I wanted to say thank you all for the replies and sorry for rambling on.

The thing is, you won't know if he's met her or not or whether he just changes the day of their arrangement.

I'm sorry but I just dont think he has cut all contact. Imo he will promise anything to get out of the shit but I think he will just make more discreet arrangements. The promise to give her up was too 'easy'.

He took screenshots of the 'sexy' photos and removed everyone else from them because he fancies her and sounds like he always has done.

He plays it all down to you because you found out. You found them and that's the ONLY reason he has blocked her.

Most probably it will just go further hidden and under stones now.

He is not to be trusted and IMO there is much more to it.

When I originally expressed real concerns and after all this fiasco and finding out he arranged to meet her without telling me he just said "well I wasn't gonna stop seeing her"

Oh I missed that part. So he has form for lying to you so that he gets to have his cake and eat it too.

There is definitely nothing wrong with you: you don't trust a man who has PROVED to you that he is untrustworthy and will break his word to you.

He is a liar and chooses to deceive you.

You aren't either of the above.

That doesn't mean you are over reacting.

He doesn't want you to meet her because you would be able to see what is going on between them, just like binder knew the OW was acting weird.
His friends have told you what they're like. Listen to them.
There is only one reason he would screenshot sexy pics of her on his phone. Deep down you know this. You just don't want to admit it.

OP that's awful! My dsis has had a few problems with her husband re him being dishonest. They have an agreement now where if she asks him why he's done something and he answers with 'I don't know' then she walks out the door never to return again. He should have the respect for you not to fob you off when he is the one majorly in the wrong. I think you should ask him everything you want to know and tell him 'I don't know' won't cut it. If he can't give you straight answer then you're out.

I feel really awful for you. In a way it's worse that they're just her normal fb photos as it makes it seem like there's more going on than just sexual attraction. You deserve answers though.

Just to clarify they haven't slept together while we have been together

Well, he would say that wouldn't he?

Come on OP. Don't waste any more years of your life - he has a thing for her and it's not going to just end because you want it to.

This is so hard.

I think it's only hard because you so want to believe him. The problem is that he hasn't been honest with you and has told you conflicting things. So the problem really isn't 'her', it's trust. Can you, do you, trust him? Because if you don't, then you are setting yourself up for misery regardless of the true nature of his relationship with this woman. Lack of trust is the death knell for any relationship.

Please don't be a mug, honesty he's been blatantly carrying on something on the side for years. Do you really, really think after having this 'friendship' for years he's going to stop in an instant.

And you shouldn't be happy that he cut ties when you asked him, he did it because you wanted it not him.

You have also not met her, did you think that is ok all along?

He obviously fancies her so wants the real reason for them not being together? Is she married? In any event, why would you want to be second best?

Oh @kiwi, I really feel for you. What an awful situation. What really struck me as completely improbable from your story is that he'd be willing to cut her out of his life within minutes of you getting upset at him. You probably know that this just isn't a thing that happens, right? I mean, would you ever do that with anybody - especially with someone who's only meant to be "a friend"? It doesn't make sense. It's so clear, from an outsider's perspective, that he wants an easy life and therefore will tell you what you need to hear. This isn't going to end well. I don't go for LTB usually because I do think there are several shades of grey in relationships, but it seems to me like you've just been given a very good reason to rethink your devotion to that man.