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Relationships

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Original poster

Estranged DH and his attitude towards DD

24 replies

wobblywingbatgirl · 02/11/2015 10:14

Hi, I would appreciate some advice. Been seperated from my DH for 12 weeks after 24 years of marriage. We hadn't been getting on very well for a couple of years and yep, he left me for a woman at work and moved straight in with her three children (all under 12). Myself and DD (8) are doing OK really under the circumstances. She hasn't gone there and nor will she for a while as I don't believe the time is yet right.

Anyway, I digress but thats the background. My STBXH took her to Burger King after school a couple of weeks ago, and as I was putting her to bed, she was very upset saying that Daddy shouted and was irritable about her table manners. Now, she's not perfect (she's a child!) but her manners are absolutely fine. She then went out with him for the day on Sunday and when they came back, he moaned about her manners again and was soooo short and irritable with her "come on, I haven't got time for this", "do as your told", "you need to start listening" etc. He's always been harsh and strives for the "perfect child" but honestly, she's a darling. I was SO annoyed that I slammed the iron down - he said "whats the matter with you" but I kept quiet or he would have got arsy with me. I just did what I always did and said nothing.

But inside i'm FURIOUS - how DARE he speak to her like that during what little time they share together. I do realise that he's still her father and is also responsible for disciplining but I guess it just made me realise how much I don't miss the "be a good girl or daddy will be cross with us" routine.

If I'm honest, i guess I wonder how it will be when she does eventually go there - he won't have the reigns to disciline the other children, so will he take it out on DD? You know what its like - when we have children on play dates, we're always slightly harsher on our own as we can't tell others off - I'm so worried that he'll do that to our DD.

How do others handle p/t fathers and their discpiplining? Am I being overly sensitive/irrational? Thanks for reading

OP posts:

Devora · 02/11/2015 10:34

Having to reply on the run but just to say I started a thread about the same issue a couple of days ago. Will be back later to see how this thread goes! In the meantime, much sympathy...

TheoriginalLEM · 02/11/2015 10:38

He gave up the right to have any say in your DD's discipline when he left her. HE needs to shape up, because it is not healthy for your DD to be put through this. Tell him to sort his shit out or not see her.

ImperialBlether · 02/11/2015 10:41

That's not true, LEM, that he gave up the right to have any say in their daughter's discipline. He's still her father and has every right to tell her off if he needs to.

I'm not saying their daughter needed telling off there, but you can't take that right from him.

DoreenLethal · 02/11/2015 10:42

He gave up the right to have any say in your DD's discipline when he left her

Erm - the OP's STBXH did not leave the daughter [sorry OP] and of course a father can discipline their child. He is going about it the wrong way but this is a ridiculous comment.

TheoriginalLEM · 02/11/2015 10:43

I disagree totally, he is suddenly imposing some sort of strict discipline on his dd. Maybe the woman he left her for (and yes, he left his daughter too, not just his wife) treats her children this way and he feels the need to keep up. Fuck that - if he can't be decent to his child when he sees her then he can fuck off. No one has the right (parental responsibility or otherwise) to treat a child like this.

MarianneSolong · 02/11/2015 10:43

I wonder what it would be like if you did let your daughter go to see her father in the house he shares with his new partner and her children.

It could be that the presence of other children and a woman who is used to parenting and has realistic expectations of kids, might dilute the effect of her father's negative behaviour.

I can see that this might be a hard step to take. But it doesn't sound as if the current arrangements are working terribly well. And maybe if she does get to meet her father's new partner, plus her children - it will help you decide how to play things.

TheoriginalLEM · 02/11/2015 10:44

Is he with his DD or is he with his new family? ergo, he left her too.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 02/11/2015 10:45

Ridiculous comment.

Funinthesun15 · 02/11/2015 10:47

Is he with his DD or is he with his new family? ergo, he left her too.

So every family should stay together no matter what until all children are grown up!? So that no one 'is left behind'

LilaTheTiger · 02/11/2015 10:52

What you envision is very likely, and is exactly what happens to my DD who is now 14.

I hate her going to her dads, but she wants to go (apparently). She occasionally has had a break, and on the cost majority of contact weekends she organises a sleepover at a friends.

I try and equip her with resilience, and giver her praise and unconditional love.

I blame myself for having kids with a nasty abusive bastard.

Good luck OP

MTPumpkin · 02/11/2015 10:54

There is so many things wrong with that comment I have no idea where to start

TheoriginalLEM · 02/11/2015 10:57

Maybe start by thinking "i don't agree with this comment" and giving the OP advice rather than jumping on my comment. I'll ask for it to be pulled, even though i stand by it, so that people can get back to advising the OP.

wheelsonabus · 02/11/2015 11:02

How dare he indeed. Has noone told him it's bad manners to cheat and dump a family in the shit?!!!

Sadly the only way to deal with controlling twats like this is to have minimal contact. Don't allow him in your house anymore. Keep contact with him to her running down the driveway to get in his car/him handing her over on the doorstep.

Talk to your dd and explain his behaviour is unfair and rude and not her fault. She is lovely just as she is. Overtime he will become less interested in her. He is already showing signs of this being in a huff when he sees her, as if she is a burden rather than the joy a child is.

It's sad but you do have to warn her about what his triggers are just so she can have an easier life with him. I know it's more of the same pandering to him and walking on eggshells, but it might be necessary to avoid conflict when she's with him. Do it in a way that highlights they are his problems, but that she needs to be aware of how to react to him when he is behaving this way. You can't change him I'm afraid, only how your dd handles him.

DoreenLethal · 02/11/2015 11:05

Maybe start by thinking "i don't agree with this comment" and giving the OP advice rather than jumping on my comment

Because it is complete rubbish. HTH.

Original poster

wobblywingbatgirl · 02/11/2015 11:22

Thank you all for your comments - whether posters agree with each other or not! It is all helpful. Personally I do believe that although he left us, he had his reasons and I contributed to that relationship breaking down as well - whether knowingly or not, but we got where we are by both of us changing. However, I do believe he shouldn't have moved in with her right away and if he'd done the decent thing and lived on his own for a while, this would all be very different.

You're right in some ways - there is bitterness, hurt, anger, jealousy - all the usual emotions in this sit, but I really thought he'd be different with DD - less controliing, more appreciative of her. I know I'm being biased, but she really is an angel - everyone can't believe how good she is. I thought maybe being in a house with 3 girls he might be more appreciative of his own DD. Oh I don't know - I think I have to suck it and see, but I HATE the thought of having to tell her what to do/not to do just to "placate her father" - she's going to become scared of him if I'm not careful. And thats what happened to me. I dont want my DD growing up thinking its acceptable to be like that.

OP posts:

Original poster

wobblywingbatgirl · 02/11/2015 11:23

actually MarianneSolong, thats a really interesting perspective. It would be interesting if DD visits them and the OW defends her - I wonder whether he'd get sh*tty with her and tell her to butt out?!?!?!

OP posts:

financialwizard · 02/11/2015 11:50

I am just about to be in your position. I wish I had wise words.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 02/11/2015 13:14

LEM I agree with you.

OP, your ex left her too (to a lesser extent) when he left the family home. Sorry but if you put yourself in a position of being NRP, then you simply cannot expect to have the same degree of influence on your child or their behaviour and he's going to have to suck it up and deal with it.

Sadly, he is being a dick to your daughter and as her parent you need to pull him up on this.

Could you write him an email (so you can keep the responses) to explain that DD doesn't get to see him much and she's getting very upset because of his behaviour and can he tone it down so they can enjoy their time together? It's not an unreasonable request. Sorry but you should be prepared to deal with him being an arse to you if it means he's not being an arse to your DD.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 02/11/2015 13:18

He's probably not very happy right now. The exciting sneaking around has suddenly been replaced by the everyday. The place he's living is not really his home and that'll be a bit weird. It's also a shock to go from one to three children too! He's probably extra irritable and tired as he discovers the grass isn't greener.

The new woman is possibly funny with him when he sees your daughter because she feels insecure about him seeing you in any capacity. So when he sees your daughter she may be giving him the third degree when he's about to go out / is out (texts etc) / gets back.

This all adds up to him taking out his stress and irritation on your daughter. I hate to say it but your daughter is an inconvenience to him right now. She's a link with the past he wants to move on from and a cause of angst between him and the new woman. She also represents time away from this wonderful new lady.

Your poor daughter - he sounds awful. Even if she was acting up / had bad manners, so what? Firstly, she's 8! Secondly, perhaps she's reacting to her father's actions and deserves some understanding and sympathy!

Did he have a good relationship with her before you split up?

Original poster

wobblywingbatgirl · 02/11/2015 13:30

I thought they had a great relationship but only now, thinking back and reflecting, yes he absolutely adores her but actually never really DID that much with her - it was always me or if he did actually get off his are and take her somewhere, you'd think he'd given me the world and wanted praise for it! I do know he adores her, but MagicalMrsMistoffelees some of what you say rings true. I mean, we all think they go off to the OW and are living a wonderful new life, but maybe thats not the case - I certainly torture myself with visions of them skipping through the tulips holding hands, having great sx, talking etc but perhaps thats not the case?! And yes, I wonder whether he's gone from being the "controller" to "being controlled" and always watching his watch??? I guess I'll never know......

OP posts:

Isetan · 02/11/2015 16:26

How exactly do you know he adores her and for that matter, how does she? Constantly criticising someone is not universally recognised as a demonstration of admiration.

Your STBEXH is a dick and you're way to passive about the impact of his poor behaviour. You are your daughter's advocate and that means speaking up. As shitty as his behaviour is, the lessons she's learning from you about leaving poor behaviour unchallenged, are just as bad. You can't change him but you can and should speak up (so what if he gets arsey), before she accepts his poor behaviour as normal and in the future, goes looking for or is targeted by, critical manipulative arseholes like her Dad.

ruddygreattiger · 02/11/2015 16:45

Op, my dad had an affair and went straight to the ow when my mum found out, as far as I am concerned he left us BOTH and that is something I will never forget. At the time during our contact visits (when he could be bothered to turn up) he was snappy, short tempered and distracted and I did feel like a huge inconvenience for him.
After a couple of years I began to realise the idea of 'my wonderful dad' was a complete illusion and I wanted to spend less of my time with him, so I would say that- given time - your daughter will come to her own conclusions about him but in the meantime be the loving, warm and caring mum that you obviously are and definately tell him to get a fucking grip on his attitude towards his own daughter, he is supposed to be a grown-up after all

bjrce · 02/11/2015 18:32

Having a great life with ow and her three dc?
Are you fucking joking?. The whole excitement of their affair is now over, time for reality. He's descovering the grass isn't greener, but your problem is he is now taking it out on your dd.
You have absolutely got to defend her now. The next time he starts that abusive behaviour, go in with guns blazing. Tell him that his bullying behaviour will not be tolerated, tell him if he continues your dd will want nothing to do with him and he can go fuck back to where he can from.
He is not your problem any more. Tell him he is the only one who has a problem with her manners, therefore he must be the problem.
It sounds like its not all rosy in their garden but he is not to take it out on your child!
I'd say you are delighted to be did of him. Remember op this time so pass, he won't always have this level of control on your dd

Isetan · 03/11/2015 06:05

He was like this before the OW came onto the scene, so he and not she, is the common dominator. The difference now is, the rationalisations excuses you're suggesting for his behaviour.

The issue isn't why he behaves the way he does but that he does, speak up for your daughter because that's no one else is going to.

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