Online dating and the paying question...

[coalfire]

Newish to online dating.
I’ve been fairly selective and on five dates so far.
I have a question about paying.

i’m fifty years old, and I’ve gone on my OL dates with men my own age, all professional and two from a country with a strong dating culture.
i would ALWAYS expect to pay my share of the bill and if the men offered I would always refuse. i supported my last boyfriend as he had a low paying job, so I have no expectation that i will be financially looked after by a man (and no man has ever financially supported me).

however, there is a part of me that is disappointed that the men aren’t even offering to pay.

this includes three men who have asked me on second dates and one who went dutch despite ordering at least twice as much food and drink as me, and despite being a very successful lawyer.

It feels very significant. as in: if they were really interested they would offer.

but i’m curious at how disappointed I feel by their not offering.

I wonder if my middle class educated feminist vibe puts them off?

still it feels ungallant. in the reverse situation i would offer to pay (even if I would be pleased when they refused).

curious to hear about others experiences.

I have no experience - I'm a similar age but longterm married. But I would like to say that "going dutch" doesn't mean splitting the bill 50/50, it means paying for what you yourself order, so you were "done over" on that one.

I'd also like to say that while I understand your miffedness at men not offering to pay, consider it from their pov. They, like you, will have a lot of "first dates" that go nowhere further, so paying for every first date would quickly become a very expensive hobby!

Each party should pay their own dating costs, there's really no other way round it.

You could try all first meet ups just go for a coffee

Both decide if you want to meet up for a date

if you meet up for date you could tell them its pay half each before the date

The immense ordering and then splitting would severely turn me off.

I've on occasions, after offering let them pay. Sometimes it feels like the right thing to do. If I had no intention of seeing them again I wouldn't let them pay though or would be reluctant to.

I think much can be gleaned from the first date etiquette. Bill grappling can is embarrassing and uncomfortable at best. I personally think it's good to stick to coffee for a first meet and second maybe lunch. If they are stingy it will soon show,

I met a guy online a year or so ago. On the first date he said he had met lots of women and all they wanted was his money or his body.

He turned out to be a tightarse who couldn't get it up.

He told me when it was my turn to get the next drinks (I would have anyway,) and he would pay for his share of a meal with loose change that he had accumulated because he refused to tip taxi drivers, waiters etc.

I think some men are meeting up with so many women they are not prepared to pay each time. Plus the ones I have met are post-divorce and like to plead poverty.

Hmm. It's nice when someone offers to pay (and I tend too whenever I'm out with anyone, including friends), but I do think it's the way of O

This is one of those classic no-win situations for modern men. The contradiction in your post Op is quite interesting.

i would ALWAYS expect to pay my share of the bill and if the men offered I would always refuse then however, there is a part of me that is disappointed that the men aren’t even offering to pay

If it is a genuine meeting of two equals, why would you be disappointed that the men aren’t even offering to pay ? It shouldn't cross your mind that the man would offer to pay for the privelegdge of your time, if your are equals.

Back to the no-win situation. What about the poor guy wondering if it is an insult to your equality to offer to pay or will he be seen as cheap if he doesn't.

So do you ever offer to pay for them?

I would offer to pay for someone if I had ordered far more than them (so for e.g. the man I went out with who ordered masses more than me - and then wanted to split it. In his shoes, I would have just taken the whole bill and said, it's not really fair to split let me pay). I often pay for people myself.
I would offer to pay for someone I had not met online, if I knew they had no money.
I supported my last boyfriend as he had little money and have only ever split expenses with all the others, so I don't come from a background of entitlement.

But I agree it's a contradiction, which is partly why I'm posting. I wonder if it's my age? Having been brought up to pay for myself, but also close to the generation above - my father's generation -who as a matter of etiquette would always offer to pay.

I think what makes it hard, is that the bill thing is freighted. It's taken as an indication of interest. I'm pretty sure if I was a man, I'd offer to pay IF I was interested in a woman. But I'd probably also hope that she'd refuse. It would be a show of chivalry and independence on both our parts.

If someone did pay for me the first time, I'd definitely pay for them the second time. So it's not about expecting to be paid for. It's something to do with the gesture.

if you knew me, you'd be very surprised I am writing this, as i am quite forthrightly feminist in most areas.

but we all have contradictions.

i can definitely see that it would be hard for men, particularly when faced with a woman like me who would come across as someone who didn't want to be paid for!

The most comfortable two dates were indeed the low key sandwich and coffee where we took it in turns, quite naturally, to pay for each other.

I always pay my way. The one that ordered loads though,I would have spilt the bill accordingly. Wasn't ever going to him again

The short time I did OD, all the men offered to pay. Maybe they felt obliged, I don't know. All seemed happy with us both paying our own way though, puts everyone on an equal footing.

My sister went on a first date. The first thing he did was moan about the £2 parking charge. She nearly damaged her throat, she couldn't get the hot coffee down fast enough.

I did OD a long-time ago and would always expect to split the bill and wouldn't expect them to offer even. Apart from exchanging a couple of messages, it's the first time you've met your dates so you're effectively expecting a stranger to offer (albeit one that you may have spent a couple of hours over dinner with) to pay for you.

I'm v much in the MN minority. All of my first dates (tindering, many, many first dates) have insisted on paying, some have been expensive dinners, always at their instigation. I have always offered to go dutch, but if they insist, I haven't pushed the point and have always accepted their generosity with grace.

My personal feeling is that if the guy is the one who suggests dinner for the first date, if he wanted to go dutch, it would put me off. I'm not a feminist, clearly, and I make no apologies for this, this is what make me comfortable and how I prefer to live my life, I like men who open doors for me, etc.

I always insist that I will pay next time. For example with the guy I'm currently dating we've had two dates, first date drinks in bar then dinner at expensive restaurant, he insisted on paying, I offered to pay half, he said he wanted to pay and to 'pls let me'. There were no expectations, we had a kiss and I hailed a taxi home. Second date we went to another expensive restaurant, when the bill came despite me saying that I would pay the bill this time, because it was well over £200, he insisted on going dutch, I accepted. He is very well paid, so I accepted his kind gesture, as he had booked the v expensive restaurant in the first place (he also paid for drinks first at another bar).

He said that he appreciates that I want to pay my way as he had not experienced that before, he said all his other dates hadn't even offered, and that the fact that I offered goes a long way with him and makes him want to pay, if that makes sense. I guess a lot of guys get sick of women who are clearly out for a free dinner in a 'fancy' restaurant, which isn't my agenda at all, I can buy my own dinners, for me it's entirely that he wants to be 'old fashioned' and gallant and chivalrous and that suits me as that's what I want from a guy, too.