family always asking for money

[lucyB456]

Hi all,

Sorry in advance for the long post.

I'm from a single parent family with a younger sister (25). I'm in my mid-30's and pregnant with my first baby (30 weeks). I've always been the fall-back option for my mum and sister - the sensible one, sort of, or at least the only one they could ask for anything - favours, money usually but also to organise things, listen to problems.

My mother has no family or friends and relies on me emotionally. My sister undertook a pretty risky and very expensive career move a few months ago. I warned her at the time that she should be careful with her money because her outgoings were more than what she had coming in. Similarly with my mum - my whole adult life I've advised her not to spend every spare penny she gets and to save something for emergencies, but she can't and laughs at me when I warn her. Then, as predicted, when things go wrong, I'll get a phone call.

When I got pregnant, things were tough financially for my partner and me. I had decided a few months before I got pregnant to go back to college to do a PhD. My partner works in a steady job with good potential but his wage is quite low. I had saved money to see me through my studies so between that and my partners wages we get by, but only just manage. We were turned down for a mortgage so have to pay very high rent when we moved from our flat (which was unsuitable for a baby) into something larger. I went back to work (part-time, temp work) to help tide us over, which I'll have to give up in a few weeks.

So when I got pregnant I spoke to my family and said I could no longer be the fall-back person for money or moral support. I have had a tough pregnancy (terrible morning sickness, SPD, frequent bouts of colds and flu) and felt I couldn't shoulder extra burden. They said they understand, but nothing really changed.

Anyway, this week my sister asks me for £1000 to fund something related to her career. I'll have no guarantee of ever seeing this money again yet I know she has no other way of getting the money. I was annoyed with her for asking in the first place. I have a baby on the way, things are expensive. Yet now both her and my mother are angry with me. They think I'm cheap and say that I'll get the money back. They say I can take a loan or ask my partner and keep pleading with me.

I'd like to get out of this role and distance myself from my family but I'm all they have. My sister has had issues with depression in the past, as has my mother, and I always feel guilty if I'm not there for them. Its got serious, with my sister talking about suicide a few years ago, so my mother is always very concerned for her well-being, hence probably why she's angry with me for not giving her the money.

Any advice much appreciated. Its an ongoing issue I just can't seem to shake.

So I said no to the money and now neither my sister nor my mum is speaking to me. I tried to explain to my sister that it is difficult being the only "fall back" person and that I'm trying to be responsible and think of my long-term finances (new baby, PhD, paying rent, etc). She replied with how devastated and shocked at my selfishness and that I'm obviously putting my new family before her and our mother and that "thanks" because she now knows she's truly alone in the world. She says "life throws curve balls" and one day I'll be the one needing money and help.

My mother is annoyed because she says 1000 isn't much money and I would have got it back before the baby is born so she doesn't know what my problem is. She thinks I'm causing a rift in the family for no real reason and "just wants us all to get along". Her attitude is that my sister has problems with depression and anxiety and that I'm making things worse. She says she's always paid me back before (to be fair, in recent years she has usually paid me back in dribs and drabs for small loans but this is much bigger and more of a drain on me).

Anyway, cest la vie! I simply have too much on at the moment to deal with it any more, even though its upsetting.

I suppose what I'm asking is: is it unreasonable that your family just give you a break when you're pregnant, stressed, busy, under pressure and exhausted? Surely now I deserve just to be left in peace and quiet! At first I was worried that none of my family live nearby (none within a 4 hour drive anyway) and that I would have no support when the baby arrives. Now I'm wondering if they would be more of a burden anyway...

I'm sorry they've reacted like this but from what you have posted already, it's not surprising.
Leave them to it for now and concentrate on yourself.
Stay strong and don't give in to their emotional blackmail!

Your sister sounds like a really self-centred cow. I would have said to your mum that if she thinks it isn't "that much money" then she can lend the money to her.

As for your sister - tell her yes I am putting the needs of a little baby who will depend on me for everything, ahead of you, a functioning adult who should be self sufficient at this stage.

Only to be expected, I'm afraid; they were never going to take it well, and the comments were just so predictable. Nor does your mother "just want everyone to get on" as claimed; what they want is to go right on using you

Of course you deserve peace and quiet; I'd say that hopefully their sulking will provide it, except that they're probably rehearsing their next approach, no doubt involving a MH crisis, potential homelessness and more

Hold on in there - having made a stand you really can't afford to back down now, and they'll get with the new reality in the end

Lucy, you sound like a sweetheart and they both sound as if they are abusing you and your good nature.

You were SO right to say no. You should be proud of yourself as I am sure it wasn't (and still isn't) easy.

They are living in a dreamworld to say you would get the cash back before baby comes - all evidence to the contrary!

If your mother thinks the amount is 'not that much' then she should provide it. The other big clue they both seem to be missing is that if your sister really is suicidal then she won't be in any fit state to work or invest the money properly anyway.

Don't give in to any emotional blackmail. Just keep your baby in mind all the time and focus on staying calm and happy for him/her.

Why should you get a loan for them?

They are cheeky, cheeky cheeky and are 100% using emotional blackmail.

Stay strong you are doing the right thing.

You don't have it anymore. Your sole purpose in life is not to bale out your mum and sister. They are taking advantage of you.

You need to be strong and put your baby first.

Even if you are the one needing money in the future, you'll never be able to go to them because they never have any, do they? For someone who has (I would assume) never had a grand in savings, your mum has a fine idea of how 'little' money it is - I know very few people for whom that isn't a substantial sum to lend.

Yes, you are putting your new family before them. You are about to be the mother of a child - you should be putting its welfare first.

I think Puzzled is right, they will escalate this conflict next to try and get what they want - they have nothing to lose (because they aren't at all interested in your wellbeing). You need to brace yourself.

Very sorry you are going through this. Stay strong.

Thinking ahead, it's not even as if asking for a large loan to be repaid would be any good, if you'd been unwise enough to offer it. Almost certainly they'd throw hysterics and say that was "selfish" and "unfeeling" too

No matter what stories they come up with, I really can't over-emphasize the importance of sticking to what you've said; go back on it now and it would simply never end

Your sister's comments sound like an argument constructed by a toddler! .

Stay strong OP.

Only people who have never had to really work hard to put together/save ONE THOUSAND POUNDS would think it's "a little money".

By NOT helping them you might be introducing them to the crucial point in their lives where they take responsibility for things themselves. This would boost their self esteem, make any successes their's and no one else's. Give them the confidence to actually plan their future properly and feel the reward for their own achievements.

Otherwise, by giving them money, you are enabling their present situation.

So you might not be being 'cruel' by refusing you could be doing a big favour in the long run ( for you too).

You are right. They are wrong. Stick to your guns.

Good fences make good neighbours, OP. Don't feel guilty because you haven't hurt anyone. Your sister's circumstances are not of your making so don't accept any blame for this. Anyway, why is it OK for you, heavily pregnant and unwell, to drag yourself to work so you can look after your family while others get to sit back and blame you for the way they run their lives? I just can't get my head around that.

Well they clearly live in cloud cuckoo land. I'm so annoyed on your behalf, OP. What selfish idiots they are. If it's such a small amount to lend, your Mum can subsidise your Dsis the odd grand, can't she? Except she can't really, as she's got nothing to give. But she's happy to comment and slag you off. It sounds like you have made the absolute best of everything life has to offer, despite not having much financially, and have got on with life just splendidly without them. Good for you! Their nasty comments are their last ditch attempt to try and make you feel guilty. Well, don't! And if they say anything else, you can come back with the fact you'd never lend to someone so rude/undeserving. Job done. Good luck with the new baby and your studies.

Text back 'I'm disappointed that you're not thinking of your niece/nephew or me. I've had an awful pregnancy so far and It's unfair to demand cash and stress me out'

The other option is to lie. Just tell them you don't have any cash and have been refused loans. Suggest that they borrow the money elsewhere

They sound jealous to me.

I have been here too and understand tge dynamics well. Luckily it was finally accepted that I didn't lend money anymore.

However I am still expected to pay lots of stuff for the family when we visit/get together and if I don't I am stingy and mean.

My sibling is nearly fourty now and my parents still go without to buy him stuff as he is wreckless with money and work.

They are being very selfish and it sounds like your sister is very jealous. You are doing the right thing to cut them off financially.

You may notice not one person here thinks you should lend her the money. As already said it's not normal to ask your family for money once you get past the teenage years. I thought you were going to say 50 or something but 1000!!! I would never dream of asking my family for that and they are all comfortable and would give it but l wouldn't dream of asking. Stand strong. You are breaking a habit here. It will be painful but worth it. You are doing nothing wrong and them not speaking to you is total manipulation. Ignore them keep smiling and enjoy your pregnancy. You are a good sister. Too good.