Was this assault?

[wickedlazy]

Didn't know where else to post, so settled on relationships. The sex topic seemed wrong.

I was at a party at a friends house last night. Her dp and I were left alone in the living room. I was dancing, he started to dance with me, then suddenly put his hand between my legs, and started vigorously rubbing my crotch. I pushed him away, then he put his arm around my waist (from behind) and did it again. I got him off me, went to find dp and told him I wanted to go home. Dp wanted to confront him last night, but he paased out within minutes of doing this.

I felt really violated at the time, but just feel confused today. Did he assault me? Told friend whose party it was today, but she didn't believe me. Then he asked to speak to me, and apologised for what he did, blamed being so drunk. Don't know what will happen between them since he admitted doing it. Not happy that she didn't believe me, but understand why.

Bollocks Timely, and charities such as rape crisis absolutely support the right of victims to not report.

timelytess

You've not got a clue love and way to go to blame all victims for the actions of the abusers and rapists.

You make me so fucking angry because you've not got the first idea of what the maelstrom of emotions are when you've been a victim. Hell, the OP even had to clarify if she was a victim, that's common.

I hope you never fall prey to an abuser but I'm sure all of us who have been can tell you you're black and white views don't come close to showing any sort of understanding.

To say victims are responsible for any further incidents makes you the scum of the earth.

tess you may want to rethink that entrenched view that women have some sort of responsibility to report their attacker

I am sure you were not implying that if they don't, then it may be partly their fault if he offends again for not getting him punished (because we currently have such fantastic stats for sexual abusers getting what is coming to them, don't we)

OP I hope you're ok, what's happened is awful.

You have to do what you feel is right. People will all have their own opinions on this, but only you truly know how you want to handle it and what's best for you.

It does however sound like you have great support in your DP/DH - xx

"for evil to succeed all that is required is for good men to do nothing"

Good women too. Perhaps the stats for convicting sexual abusers would be better if more were reported. While its no ones fault but the abusers if (when) he does it again it would be human nature for the op to feel guilty if he does. There is of course a good chance he has done it before.

Someone at a works BBQ, a manager, groped my breasts. It was in front of others about 20 years ago. I still get that cringey feeling you describe if I think of it. I wish to fuck I'd at least reported the filthy creep to HR. I'm angry with myself that I didn't.

Ps sorry this has happened to you. Your pal really has a keeper there, eh?

I will only urge women to report their sexual abusers when the conviction rate/proportional punishment gets somewhere near reasonable.

We have a long way to go in that respect.

We can suggest it. But apply pressure to comply...nope, out of order.

Op I'm glad your dp is supportive. I'm also glad that at least this abusive man did admit what had happened.

Don't feel pressurised to report if you don't feel up to it. Definitely reduce contact with your friend and I'm sure neither you nor your dp will ever want to be near him again.

We call flashbacks that include physical sensation "body memories". As a pp said if they continue do see your gp. In fact it would not be a bad idea to see your gp anyway and get this recorded, which would give you the option to report at a later time if you do decide to go down that road.

Please be really kind to yourself at the moment, don't try to tell yourself to "just get over it" but instead honour and validate your own feelings of fear, shock and betrayal, because they are very valid feelings

timely it won't necessarily be used in another case even if she does report it. The police were involved in a sexual crime by my partner at the time against me. Because I didn't want to make a statement I was told that it would be recorded as a crime on their system BUT it would not go on his criminal record and couldn't be used against him in any way in other cases.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you OP. I'd block them on facebook if you can, I think it'll just make you feel worse in the long run.

Thank you all for advice and kind words. Have been trying to distract myself today and not dwell on what happened.

Really angry at dp though. I had left something quite expensive at her house, was prepared to just leave it, but dp talked me into letting him pick it up this evening. Asked him not to say anything, just get the damn thing. Reluctantly brought myself to text her to check she would be in.

Recieved a text from her. Dp started on her, told her I was really annoyed and upset, etc and that I was worried she and the others didn't believe me/were minimising. But she did believe me, and as he apologised surely it's fine now?

Fuming at him. I know she will tell her dp all this. I wanted to just cut contact and move on, feel far worse now knowing he knows how much it's got to me! And no idea what to reply to her. I feel like I'm the one that has to justify myself now. Rang him and asked what he said, and he denied saying anything, until I told him I knew fine rightly, she had just text. Asked him did he feel better after his little conversation with her, because it has just made everything seem much worse for me. Asked him why he couldn't just say "oh thank you for minding x" and leave. Apparently he didn't want to be ignorant oh and she asked was I still annoyed. No I'm just fucking fine and dandy. Sure he said sorry so it's okay!

I know you are angry at him. But I feel some sympathy.

I wonder about your "friend", though. She and her partner are in the wrong. Her for not believing you and for minimising it now. And apology and that's fine???

And now for complaining about your DP to you?
Be angry at who you should.

Echoing Lweji. What your DP did was perhaps clumsy and embarrassing to you, but it sounds like it came from a good place - a desire to stand up for you. I think your "friend" deserves your anger more. She's already trying to sweep it all under the carpet.

I'm angry at her for minimising, angry at her dp for doing what he did to me.

I know it's not dp's fault but feel like he has stirred everything up by having this conversation with her, and disrespected my wishes. I just wanted to leave the damn thing there and leave it at that. Not to have her texting me about what her dp did, (she has just text again) with her minimising attitude because my dp "didn't want to seem ignorant".

Feel really stressed out and confused. More so now than this morning. Just had a good cry there which made me feel a bit better, going to try to go to bed early. Terrified I will dream about it though. Usually I'm prone to relive stressfull events in dreams. Can't take a sleeping tablet as afraid of sleeping through my alarm in the morning (school run).

Have you text her back?

I think I'd use that anger and tell her all my feelings about it.
Bottling it up and leaving it there is not healthy.

What would you want to tell her?

There's no reason why either of them should be allowed to keep the 'quite expensive' item you left at their home and, given the circumstances, it would have been a big ask of anyone who cares about you to retrieve it with only a 'thanks for minding it'.

Please don't take it out on your dp for letting her know that he wasn't in ignorance of what her dp had done and, to my mind, what he said has in no way revealed he extent to which you've been affected by the incident.

I personally wouldn't deign bother to reply to her text, but if you do I would suggest something on the lines of 'What's done can't be undone and I'm not going to find it easy to forgive or forget what x did to me'.

If you have difficulty getting off to sleep, take half of a sleeping tablet and you won't sleep through the alarm.

Those putting pressure on OP to report are out of order. It's really not that simple. As in this case most sexual assaults occur with no evidence and no witnesses available. That's PART of the reason its so difficult to get a conviction. (Along with misogyny and patriarchal control, denial and minimising and victim blaming of course)

OP I also totally understand why you're angry at your partner but agree put the blame where it lies the asshole who assaulted you and secondarily his denying minimising idiot wife/p!

Focus on looking after yourself and have you been to gp?

Can do wake you if you take a sleeping pill?

Oh I hope my earlier post wasn't read as pressure, far from it. I didn't report myself and I'd never pressurise anyone to do anything they didn't want to.

My point was, and I didn't explicitly say, I wish in that instance I had my 40 odd year old head on my 20 something shoulders.

I wasn't referring to you flustercuck. I'm also a survivor who didn't/hasn't reported. 2 incidents were strangers I could not identify.

It's not a case of whether WE should report or not. The dirty fucks shouldn't feel it is ok to abuse.

i was not too sure whether i wd report or not until you said his wife said she did not beleive you and that there was a snide remark on her fb. Also she changed the subject and ignored her h's admission , so i think she is sticking to the denial and that leaves her attacking you as a liar too. She seems to be committed to this path , so what are the possible repercussions for your reputation and the fallout in the place where you live? For those reasons + it was sexual assault and this is not the only time he has done it and he will do it again-perhaps to you as he and his wife are going to discredit you to everyone you know - so who will beleive you another time if you let this assault pass ?

I'm taking what you're all saying on board. Amarmai I have no idea if he has done this before. Not to my knowledge at least. I think if he had been previously accused and she had heard about it, she would have been more likely to believe me straight away. Maybe. I don't think they will discredit me, I think it just won't be mentioned again iyswim? We don't have any other friends in common or run in the same social circles, which is a relief.

They wouldn't try to discredit me would they? Tell people I'm nuts in case I do tell people irl? She wouldn't put anything on facebook would she? Feel all panicked now!

For those reasons + it was sexual assault and this is not the only time he has done it and he will do it again-perhaps to you as he and his wife are going to discredit you to everyone you know

And you know this for a fact, do you amarmai? If not, you are not only making allegations of repeated criminal wrongdoing against a man you do not know, you are also scaremongering.

so who will beleive you another time if you let this assault pass Regardless of whether the OP let's this assault "pass", in the unlikely event that there's "another time" there's no reason whatsoever why anyone would disbelieve her.

Btw, it's i before e except after c.

Hope you're not too panicked to go back to sleep, OP - matters such as this always seem worse in the middle of the night, but I can't imagine that either of them would seek to publicise this incident on fb or any other social media site.

There's a glaringly aberrant apostrophe in my response (above) most probably caused by the fact that I feel a tad annoyed that the OP woke up in the middle of the night to a particularly disconcerting post which may have prevented her from going back to sleep.

OP the main theme here is you only need report if, and only if, you actually want to. Forget what anybody else is saying. The good thing about this issue of whether or not to report is that you cannot be wrong, because whatever YOU want and decide is RIGHT. End of.

As for nobody believing you if it happened again: bollocks. I've been sexually assaulted multiple, multiple times and I'm believed.

And while I don't know these people, I second the post below that they're going to try to sweep it under the carpet rather than do anything at all that would broadcast it.

As for your partner talking to her I understand why that makes you angry - I'd be livid! While he probably didn't intend anything bad by it, he took an experience of someone taking away your control by sexually assaulting you, and took away your control by taking about it when you'd asked him not to. It's an awful feeling, regardless of his intentions.

Depending on how you're doing, keep in mind that this is something you can discuss with your GP.