Compromise and being realistic. Please help

[misslemonsfilingcabinet]

Please bear with me, it's nothing compared with some of the problems here but it is hurting me. I have been in a long distance relationship for nearly 3 years (about 4 hours away) seeing a kind and good man. I'm mid-late thirties and had been single or in a run of awful flings/dates that really destroyed my self confidence from my late twenties. We were introduced by a friend. We have build something special with lots of common interests but, and here is what hurts so much, I don't really fancy him. I enjoy being with him, cuddling etc but kissing and sex are harder to deal with. I have kept trying and it's ok. It's a small price to pay for someone who loves me and is so good to me. We share values and want children.

Recently my head was turned by a colleague. I am attracted to him very much but wouldn't act on it. He is single but after a long messy relationship. I then heard he had slept his way around a lot and I feel a fool.

So this is selfish and it's horrible. I have talked to my other half over the years, he knows I struggle with the attraction but that I care for him and want us to work. He wants to be with me and amazingly (to me) can cope with me. He offers everything; I trust him, I care about him, I think we would be good parents and I have never so secure in someone. On a good day I think, I've had my time for passion, in a few years these feelings fade anyway and we'll still have our solid base. On a bad day I feel irritated and hate the person I am because something is missing.

It's my last realistic chance for children.

Work colleague has just confirmed to me, depressingly, there are few good guys (single) out there...reality check..

There are so many "I" s in that OP. It's about him too of course and I feel it'd be unfair to him, he doesn't. He believes we have so much more than just sex. For context I should say, we see each other a few times a month and then it is all day all night for weekends etc. Few longer spells together too

Sorry so long. Please advise/share your experiences but trust me when I say, I have only been hurt by the few single guys I've met in my thirties and I think you can't have everything in life

I could have written that post word for word! I never properly fancied x (as of last week) dp. But he was and is a wonderful man and we get on like a house on fire. We too were long distance for several years. Our relationship actually improved when we moved in together as we get on so well. But sex was always an effort. We bought a house, got engaged, all the while I still had massive doubts. Then we had dd. I had a complete breakdown when she was 4 months old as it hit me I should have split up with him years ago (we were together 12 years). We muddled through that but things came to a head again this month and we are now splitting. We are still each other's best friends in the world and living together for the time being. It's been a roller coaster we both have low self esteem which I think is a big part of how we got here. For me the doubt became crippling, but I have equal fears that I might regret splitting... However it does feel like a weight has been lifted that a decision has been made. I would also say there are worse things than having a child with a wonderful man. I see so many horrible husbands and rubbish fathers around the place, I feel so guilty for splitting with dp. But I now realise sex and attraction are a big deal. It sucks.

Qum, thank you. That really resonates

Hmm leaving aside fairness to you and him of this type of relationship, every week with him is a week you're not looking for someone who is the whole package. you emphasise wanting kids so those weeks, months add up. When I say the whole package I meant a better overall balance not 10/10 in every category. A relationship is about sex as friendship. So rather than looking for amazing friend but not at all attracted you could think I'd like a good pal, good laugh, shared goals but want to have sex with him. There is no limit on the number of amazing platonic friends you can have whilst in good sexual relationship x

*sex as well as friendships etc

Fairly frequently on here, there are threads by women who are living in sexless marriages where most of it is OK, but... They are really struggling and unhappy and feel they cannot leave because of the dc.

If you reckon you would make good co-parents and friends, why not go for that, rather than thinking about living together or marriage. It's unconventional, but would work far better than trying to force feelings you don't have.

I think this man sounds fab but that the relationship might meet a need on both sides (because he is strangely happy to sacrifice being wanted, sexually) that should be met by something else - or that reminds both of you of the security and love brought, for example, by a parent, whatever - something else, not an adult equal relationship. It sounds co-dependent and unrealistic, particularly as it is sustained at a distance. You can find something better, more equal, grown up, more self-sustaining, OP, if you just let go of this one, and stop listening to your biological clock ticking. It will hurt but won't be wrong IMO.