Head is saying one thing, heart another

[Sociallyawks]

Long story, DP and I and my DB and SIL were TTC at the same time, we had many discussions about how lovely it will be to have babies close in age to grow up together. All was rosey. Fast forward a couple of months to when I fell pregnant and all hell broke loose. Constant abusive phone calls morning, noon and night, some of the stuff that was said to me really upset me and still hurts now. SIL even announced my pregnancy to the world when I was 4 weeks pregnant. The abuse carried on up until I was about 8 months when they called me at work calling me every name under the sun and I eventually snapped and told them never to contact me again and we have not spoken since. I suffered with AND and PND as a result of all this.

At the time I asked if they were having any fertility issues which would explain how upset SIL was with me but her response was "no, I just wanted to be the one to have a baby first and we have done things the right way by getting married first, unlike you"

They have now announced that they are pregnant and I don't know how to react, obviously I am happy for them but I'm finding it difficult to show it after what they put me through and neither of them have even acknowledged DC since he was born 3 months ago.

Do you think sending a card, keeping my congratulations short but sweet and then keep my distance from them is the way to go?

I'm hoping time will heal this but at the moment my feelings are still very hurt by their behaviour.

Please take it easy on me.

You have my sympathy, their behaviour is selfish and pointless, but because they are family it's going to be hard to make this go away. Only thing I can suggest is give them time to see sense.

No don't acknowledge them. That's the most pathetic thing EVER. People with these attitudes and tempers don't see sense. You poor thing.

I think the most I could do is say 'congrats, let's hope nobody is as much as a cunt to you like you were to me' and carry on NC.

But the grown up thing to do is just stay as you are, I couldn't be the bigger person here and extend an olive branch.. I just couldn't.

They're off their heads. Ignore them completely. Did they buy you a card? Congratulate you?

gamer That is what I feel like saying but she is quite precious and it wouldn't be worth the hassle and drama. I did extend an olive branch a couple of times and we did start to get somewhere until then it all got thrown back in my face then I gave up trying as I always came out feeling very hurt.

imperiel DB said congratulations and was initially happy and excited for us, then he went really off with me and eventually became abusive.

Arfar I had to block SILs phone number for my own sanity. DB could contact me though and they both know where I live.

I think I'm not going to bother with a card and carry on being NC. It's a shame.

I've just re-read this and realised it's your own brother, not your brother in law. What the hell is up with him? Has he always been like that?

We have always been really close and stuck by each other through thick and thin. Never had a fall out.

SIL rules over him with an iron fist. He goes along with whatever she says/does because she would make his life a nightmare if he didn't.

So this shouting over the phone when you were at work - he was doing it, too? What were they shouting?

Yes he was. Repeatedly calling me a c*nt. Nice.

They sound absolutely mad. It doesn't even sound as though they were waiting a long time to conceive - it was just that you did it first. Absolutely bonkers - avoid at all costs.

I don't really understand, what did they want from you?

I would stay well away from them - there will be something else in the future. They sound utterly crazy and toxic. Grown adults abusing someone because they think they are entitled to have a child before you? Adults who behave like 6 year old rarely change.

The thing is that when you return to an abuser they take it as a signal to carry on the abuse again.

DHs sister has unfortunately gone a bit weird since she got together with the man who is now her husband. We had a huge falling out- not over the same thing as you, but the same in that it wasn't our fault- and were NC for a while. For various reasons we are now obstensibly in touch but what this means really is that we attend some of the same family events and largely keep out of each other's way. DH and his sister have no contact outside of their parents now. Unfortunately her husband is a wanker and if she is prepared to let him rule her like he does, IMO she's a weak and pathetic person.

So my advice really is be as nice as you have to be to keep peace for parents etc but do no more than that.

Why on earth would you have anything to do with them, ever again? And why didn't your DP knock him out. My DH would have gone over there and floored him, first time of any abuse towards me!